Neighbor upset we asked someone else about their move

amother

Orange

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 2:35 pm

Just curious of what others think about the situation and any ideas how to resolve.

I live in a smaller OOT community where all the families at our shul know each other. I knew that one of these families (let's call them the Smith family) was planning to move from the home they were currently renting. They had been looking for a while to rent or buy another home. We're not close friends with the Smith family, but have been on friendly terms for many years. We've been guests at each other houses in the past for Shabbat and always friendly when we see each other at Kiddush or shul events. Occasionally our kids play together at shul.

The other day Mrs Smith changed her address on a social neighbor website called "Nextdoor" to a street very close to me. (For those of you not familiar, "Nextdoor" is a social website like Facebook. It's meant to connect neighbors together and is very useful for letting neighbors know about local crime issues, lost pets, local events, selling stuff...etc.). Since Mrs Smith had changed her address to my part of the neighborhood, on the newsfeed for Nextdoor it said "Welcome Mrs Smith to The XYZ Neighborhood".

My husband happened to see the address change on Nextdoor. Now, we had not heard any official notice from the Smith family they had found a place and were moving yet. We are very good friends with a family (let's' call this them the Goldbergs) who happens to live next door to Mrs Smith. During a conversation online with Mrs Goldberg, my husband innocently remarked during their conversation, "Oh, I just saw on Nextdoor that the Smith family is listed on Main street now over in my side of the neighborhood. Have you heard any news about them moving?"

Well, apparently when my husband made the remark online to Mrs Goldberg, they had a guest over named Mrs Green. I have met Mrs Green a few times, but don't know her personally. My understanding is that Mrs Green is a close friend of Mrs Smith.

Well, apparently Mrs Goldberg had not heard about the move yet either and made a remark to Mrs Green about it. Mrs Green had not heard about the move either. My understanding is then Mrs Green quickly contacted Mrs Smith about them moving.

Shortly after this, my husband gets an aggressive and rude text message (with some not polite language) from Mrs Smith. The text message said somethings along the lines of "It wasn't your business to talk to Mrs Goldberg. I was planning to tell her at a later date about the move. This was private information. Instead of asking other people for a confirmation and blabbering about my move, why not ask me directly. What you did was wrong and I expect an apology!!"

My husband was completely surprised at getting such an aggressive message. All he did was ask an innocent question based on information on a public website. Mrs Smith is the one who changed her address online. Once you do that, in my opinion, it's no longer private information.

Not sure what to do now, if anything. My husband never meant to offend anyone and we don't want to be on bad terms with our neighbors or other shul members. But this response from Mrs Smith was just way over the top. I think Mrs Smith is the one who needs to apologize, esp with the way her text was sent to my husband with some impolite language that I will not repeat here.

ra_mom

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 2:39 pm

Your husband didn't do anything wrong.
The Smith's might have their own reasons for not wanting to make their announcement yet, but alas, they already did so on the Web.
Try to just put this behind you and not have ill feelings back to them.
Welcome them to the neighborhood with something homemade when they move in.

samantha87

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 2:46 pm

I totally agree with you. Fwiw, I find that people often don't realize how information they put online gets shared. Mrs. Smith probably thought the new address would let her "lurk" without it being blasted to the whole neighborhood. Not at all your husband's fault, but that may be where she is coming from.

sourstix

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 2:46 pm

Wow are they this irrational all of he time?

amother

Orange

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 3:29 pm

sourstix wrote:

Wow are they this irrational all of he time?

All I know is that Mrs Smith has a reputation in our community of not always being the easiest person to get along with. Before this incident, I have never personally had any issues with her.

Maybe there is something going on in her personal life we don't know about and she unfortunately took it out on my husband. Whatever the issue, her response back was not apporipiate. I just hope after she has a chance to cool down, there can be some resolution and both of us can move on. My husband and I do not want to be on bad terms with the Smiths, esp now that they are going to be nearby neighbors.

sourstix

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 3:48 pm

So just for the sake of peace call her and apologize. You never really know what goes on in people's life. But hopefully you can be cordial and at a distance so you don't get in with each other she sounds difficult to deal with. Maybe send her something to show you care.

IMHopinion

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 3:51 pm

I'm usually careful with respecting other's privacy.
But once your info goes online=for all of the world to know.

greenfire

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 4:01 pm

it sounds like a bunch of yenting went on ... Chatterbox

but once they let the cat out of the bag - there is no secret violated

yo'ma

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 6:57 pm

I agree that her reaction was over the top, but like others said, let's be d'lz. Besides what her reaction was, it's a reminder how we shouldn't talk about other people even if it's "out there".

seeker

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 7:26 pm

Doesn't sound like you did anything inappropriate but my general policy is that if someone is offended, I apologize and try to make peace because the right and wrong business doesn't really matter. You can explain that you thought it was public info because you saw it online, and then apologize for thinking wrong, over the phone so she doesn't see your eyes rolling.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Jul 31 2016, 10:22 pm

I would apologize for inadvertently offending her, and tell her that she should watch her language in the future. There are ways to express yourself when you are upset without using foul language. You didn't have to be at the receiving end of her rant.

amother

Ecru

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 12:30 am

I was in her shoes actually, re moving, and I had particular reasons for not telling others (mostly bc ppl are nosy). I told one singular person, who by profession (w/o giving details) should have had more discretion, but they told 1 other family w/o our permission. When that family contacted us about it I felt very violated. I did make sure they knew that the other person was very wrong to give any information about us, especially bc this other person's job involved having discretion. The other family was actually very respectful about not forwarding the information and b'h we were able to tell everyone on our terms and when it was the right time for us.

My point is, in this situation, it is an awful feeling of violation of privacy and powerlessness when others are talking about you, and it's not on your terms, ie, with your permission, from your decision to share info, etc. It's very uncomfortable bc you hear how ppl talk of others, and wonder how they can be talking about you... Sad

On the flip side, b'h having the opportunity to give everyone the information when we were ready, it was the complete contrary: Comfortable and empowering, taking some stress off, to know that the information people receive is coming directly from you, on your terms. It was such a comfort to have that opportunity.

It's a shame Mrs. Smith will not. I feel for her.

I could never condone freaking out on someone in a vulgar way. Just that I could see where they're coming from.

DrMom

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 1:04 am

Your husband should apologize to Mrs. Smith:

Quote:

Welcome to the neighborhood, Mrs. Smith. I understand that you were upset that I mentioned your recent move to our neighborhood to Mrs. Goldberg. I apologize if this upset you in any way.

BTW, perhaps you are not aware that this information is posted all over the neighborhood due to your signing up on NextDoor. If you are concerned about your privacy in these matters, you may want to delete your account.

watergirl

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 7:14 am

amother wrote:

She posted her move on social media. Did you also do that? If not, then you werent in her shoes.
Rule #1 about the world wide web - dont write ANYTHING ANYWHERE that you dont mind becoming public knowledge. And that includes imamother btw. How many times are people complaining here that they've been outed because they got a bit too comfortable and posted too much information, and now how many women are only posting anon here because they can't use their usernames anymore??

kollel wife

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 9:46 am

It's possible Mr. Smith posted on the social media and Mrs. Smith was unaware - or they forgot they posted this information or they didn't realize it would spread to where it did. Or a friend or family member posted it without their knowledge - using their account.

In either case, apologize and mention that you didn't realize it was confidential as you saw it online. That they may want to remove this on-line posting.

MamaBear

Mon, Aug 01 2016, 10:13 am

Likely, this person is moving for some personal reason, right? It could have to do with a financial problem, divorce, who knows. Clearly, they're upset about something.

When I signed up for NextDoor, I had no idea it would broadcast my move to everyone. I just wanted access to the local online bulletin board, not an announcement saying "Welcome...."

Anyhow, this person is upset that their move was made public before the right time. Surely there is a good (private) reason. Even if they're just crazy, well you should still feel bad that they're not mentally sound. So don't get angry, get apologetic and then let it go.