Daughter sings and listens to secular music day and night

amother

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 12:48 pm

No one else in the family does.

She (14) has no interest in Jewish music.

What should we do? Although I don't have boys in the house right now, so there's no Kol Isha, it grates on my nerves. My husband got used to it, and generally he tolerates everything. I'm at home more. People, a therapist included, have told us to ignore it, but that was months ago and nothing changed.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation in the past?

amother

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 12:52 pm

I was the same way, but I did it behind my parents' backs.

I think that maybe you should try explaining to her how you feel. If it doesn't work, then let it go. If you ban the music, she will listen to it anyway, especially once she's older and you have no more control over her. Maybe she will get back into Jewish music, but I don't think she will ever let go of secular ones.

What you could ban is songs with dirty lyrics. Maybe try interesting her in the country genre, which generally has much nicer and "eideler" songs.

shoshb

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 2:31 pm

Do you have other issues with this child? Is this part of a disturbing pattern, or just a bad habit? In a world where you have to pick your battles, is this one you HAVE TO fight?

red sea

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 3:32 pm

Then she should know you dont approve and has to listen only on a headset or low enough that noone else can hear.Thers really nothing else to do.

Mrs.Norris

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 5:47 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Ban dirty lyrics and tell her to put it less loud

how do you propose for anyone to do that? The mother can hardly get all her daughters cds and bleep out the swear words LOL

Personally I don't think it's a major problem, the novelty will wear off soon enough and if you tell her off she'll just hide it from you, wouldn't you rather you know what your daughter does?
If the problem is that she has it loud/sings it just tell her to turn the volume down and not to sing the songs around the house.

As for country music ... how do you expect a 14 year old to like that stuff?

sleepyhead

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 5:53 pm

To OP, Sorry I don't have a suggestion, but I couldn't help wondering, am I the only one that never learned that a girl's voice is assur to her brothers? Or are you referring to others when you say 'no boys in the house right now'?

chocolate moose

Sun, Aug 19 2007, 7:02 pm

amother wrote:

No one else in the family does. Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation in the past?

Yeah, been there . . . I'd answer under Amother, but what's the point? I suppose everyone would know who I was anyone . . .

First we confiscated the radio and the tapes, lettinghim choose the Jewish music he wanted. Didn't work.

Then there was sneaking around, listening to the worst music there is.

DH's family is musical so we "compramised. He wanted to learn to play an instrument we also worked hard to expose him to the better music out there, not rap and garbage.

It's still goyische, plain and simple. And I'm not proud of it.

BUT I'm happier than he has a musical understanding, at least....and is not continuing the rebellion....not about that, at least.

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 9:17 am

Mrs.Norris wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Ban dirty lyrics and tell her to put it less loud

how do you propose for anyone to do that? The mother can hardly get all her daughters cds and bleep out the swear words LOL

As for country music ... how do you expect a 14 year old to like that stuff?

you don't buy dirty cds. As for country, I disagree. Some teens love it.

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 9:20 am

sleepyhead wrote:

To some rabbis, kol isha is live, not cd, or even just one on one love song, because nowadays listening to a regular song is nothing special to most men (according to a psak from a YU rabbi I read online).

Nicole

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 9:43 am

When I went through a stage like that, my mom's condition was that if I listened to it, it was headphones only so that the rest of the family didn't have to hear. This way, I understood that she didn't approve, but she wasn't overstifling me. Eventually, I grew out of it and saw the bad of such music. Now it's Jewish only.

tweety99

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 9:47 am

Nicole wrote:

same here. now its only jewish bh.

Mrs.Norris

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 5:28 pm

Ruchel wrote:

you don't buy dirty cds. As for country, I disagree. Some teens love it.

people download now rather than buy, or listen to radio and how are you going to stop your child buying a cd with dirty lyrics? Most non Jewish music of the pop/rnb genre has dirty lyrics.

Tefila

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 5:42 pm

Quote:

but I couldn't help wondering, am I the only one that never learned that a girl's voice is assur to her brothers?

As far as I am aware a brother may hear his sister and mother sing.

As far as the music if all else has failed even with the tharepist involved then just imo come to a compromise with her.
That She is permitted to do it(she will anyways remember). But it has to be done in her room not all over the house. It is your house and she has to respect your policys.

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 6:19 pm

Mrs.Norris wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

you don't buy dirty cds. As for country, I disagree. Some teens love it.

people download now rather than buy, or listen to radio and how are you going to stop your child buying a cd with dirty lyrics? Most non Jewish music of the pop/rnb genre has dirty lyrics.

you can de-activate the download function on the comp. Or you can delete the offending mp3 or confiscate the cd. I still think talking would be better but if a teen doesn't understand anything you have to be strict.

amother

Mon, Aug 20 2007, 8:40 pm

I listened to non jewish music before I got married and my mother took away my cds and I would find them and take them back and then she would just crack them. but that didnt stop me, I mean the radio is just as good. so watever you do she will still listen to it. its better to let her know that u dont appove and she should only listen on headphones. and at some point she will realize on her own that its not good.

amother

Tue, Aug 21 2007, 6:07 am

Ignore it. Insist on headphones or lowering the volume if you have to listen to it too.

It's one of the best(or possibly the best) form of frum teenage rebellion--it could be so much worse (any secular person would laugh that this your biggest problem).

If you try to be mean about it, she will just work harder to disobey you. Forget about locking her out on the computer--she's a teenager and will get around it.

mummiedearest

Tue, Aug 21 2007, 1:04 pm

ask her to give you a copy of some of the lyrics she's listening to. go over the lyrics with her and explain what you find objectionable. a lot of kids hear the lyrics without listening to them. tell her what the problem is, and then tell her that she can listen to it as long as it's quiet and that it's her decision. she may be listening to clean music, I can't tell from the original post. as for not listening to jewish music, I usually don't either. there's not much original in it. get some good music by baalei tshuva, they usually are much more skilled musically. and don't make her listen to it, play it for yourself and let her hear it occasionally. she may grow to like it.