I lose control with 3.5 yr during tantrum help

amother

Red

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 3:08 am

My 3.5 yr daughter has these inconsolable, wild screaming crying tantrums, that can last for half an hour, and drain me of every drop of energy. I try really hard to stay calm, speak in a soothing tone, offer solutions. But there is no getting through to her. It goes on, the tension in me builds and builds while I remain calm, untiI I suddenly snap, with no warning. Yesterday I snapped by suddenly screaming in a scary way, "SHUT UP"! Which led her to cry in a different way, like she was scared and hurt. Later (not right after this occured), I tried to console her again by saying, oh did mommy yell at you? She wouldnt respond, just kept carrying on with her ****** tantrum. Today I snapped by wiping her tushy too hard. I need to release the tension in me, and I hate that it ends up being released on her. I dont know what to do, I feel helpless. If were not in a rush to leave the house, ite one thing. But this morning we were in a hurry to leave, I needed to brush her teeth and put her on the toilet, so I couldnt just let her scream it out until she got it out of her system. I need coping mechanisms!
Im also in my 38th week of pregnancy... and she only behaves like this when shes tired.

chani8

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 4:43 am

You had me convinced to be concerned with your behavior until I got to the last sentence. "38th week of pregnancy... and she only behaves like this when she is tired."

You are doing fine!! You are ok. You are under a lot of stress. You can control yourself. You just need some coping skills to deal with the stress you are under.

In our home we deal with traumatized children who can scream for hours at a time. Some of the adults here walk away from the screamer, and some put their fingers in their ears. It's rarely ever helpful to actually hold the child while they're melting down. That works best only to stop a violent child. Often the melting down child just needs a dark place to chill out.

You say your child does this mostly when tired, so clearly a solution is to make sure she's getting enough sleep. She should be going to bed around 630pm so that she wakes up with plenty of time to get ready in the morning.

But parenting advice aside, I personally find that singing calms me down. "I dont like that you're screaming. I dont like that you're falling apart. I wish that you would stop crying. Please dont cry anymore." I just made that up. Right now. You can make up a silly song, too. Sing to yourself. It really helps.

Also, smiling helps to lower stress. When or if your child looks up at you during her tantrum, make sure to offer her a reassuring smile. "It's ok. You're tired. Mommy loves you." And smile. Singing and smiling change the tone in the home and alleviate stress. Try it. Sounds cheesy but works.

imasinger

Wed, Aug 03 2016, 5:58 am

I agree with Chani. Great advice.

You can also try not to plan any outside appointments or commitments for times when she is most likely to tantrum.

One thing I was struck by was your saying, "I need to release the tension in me.".

I suspect that the tantrum serves a similar function for her.

Sometimes, we get lucky and can help a child get the tension out before they start on the slippery slope. Some extra physical activity, or taking 5 extra minutes for one more book and snuggle (to stave off the 30 for a meltdown). Giving tons of positive attention and praise during the likely fragile times.

And sometimes, none of that works, and we need a "mommy time out" in a different room for a couple of minutes.