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Since when does doing a Chessed come with pay?
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Beingreal




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:12 pm
Now I'm really irked and need to vent because I'm finding that nowadays when someone needs a o, or someone to help them with a Mitzvah, it's for pay! Now, you are probably confused, so I will give you an example. I don't drive and where I live we have carpools and walk pools, no buses. I'm also expecting and walking to school is 20 minutes plus an uphill. I've posted on the community posts to ask if anyone can take my son for me in the mornings...(the afternoons I work there and it's all downhill so that is easy)...but everyone wants pay or that I take a turn to drive...can anyone understand that I don't drive and it's hard for me to even ask?
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:17 pm
Not everone has the emotional stamina to do chasadim. Using a similar example, I know someone would want me to bring her child to the bus stop. Whats the big deal im going anyway? On the other hand my child stands next to me quietly while hers is a bundle of energy and may make slight trouble. So yes I would do it if I got paid but wouldnt be able to do it as a chesed.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:18 pm
A one time thing is a chesed. Every day? That's a commitment and a JOB. I do "chesed" work that I would never volunteer to do for free. These people are giving you their time of day every. Single. Day. The least you can do is offer a few bucks.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:22 pm
Carpools by definition usually include each parent taking a turn to drive. If I couldn't drive, I would never expect anyone to drive my child every day for free. Unless you meant as a fill-in favor? And yes, I've often given people rides for free and taken rides from people without paying. But to make arrangements to drive someone every day is definitely a true chesed as it is hard, especially if you are on a strict schedule.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:22 pm
Taking a child for car pool is a big thing.. Most people are stressed enough to manage getting their own kids to school on time , especially if it's a young child. Helping someone out for a week or two after birth is more like the type of thing something would do for chessed. If you are stuck every day with the same issue, then you need to figure out a more long term solution.
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:40 pm
I second what above posters wrote.
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Beingreal




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:45 pm
Op here, thanks for clarifying...I'm just frustrated.
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 6:49 pm
Beingreal wrote:
Op here, thanks for clarifying...I'm just frustrated.

Yes, it's frustrating and annoying albeit a very understandable reality. Think of it as any other service job. B'shaa tova!
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real israeli




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 8:00 pm
Beingreal wrote:
Now I'm really irked and need to vent because I'm finding that nowadays when someone needs a o, or someone to help them with a Mitzvah, it's for pay! Now, you are probably confused, so I will give you an example. I don't drive and where I live we have carpools and walk pools, no buses. I'm also expecting and walking to school is 20 minutes plus an uphill. I've posted on the community posts to ask if anyone can take my son for me in the mornings...(the afternoons I work there and it's all downhill so that is easy)...but everyone wants pay or that I take a turn to drive...can anyone understand that I don't drive and it's hard for me to even ask?


You write that the afternoons are not a problem. Maybe offer to bring someone's kid home in exchange for them taking your kid to school for you. I am part of a carpool. There is one woman who is still at work dismissal time. So she does mornings. Others to whom it makes no difference do the afternoons.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 8:57 pm
Beingreal wrote:
Now I'm really irked and need to vent because I'm finding that nowadays when someone needs a o, or someone to help them with a Mitzvah, it's for pay! Now, you are probably confused, so I will give you an example. I don't drive and where I live we have carpools and walk pools, no buses. I'm also expecting and walking to school is 20 minutes plus an uphill. I've posted on the community posts to ask if anyone can take my son for me in the mornings...(the afternoons I work there and it's all downhill so that is easy)...but everyone wants pay or that I take a turn to drive...can anyone understand that I don't drive and it's hard for me to even ask?


I feel your pain and grief...
I experience the same lack of support :-(
It's so painful. Truly very painful to live in a world where there is so little chesed of the sort you are in need of.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 10:22 pm
I once took another child in car pool for a year as a chessed. (The parents had health, emotional issues, a whole mess.) It was a huge commitment. Think an extra half an hour a day in the car every day. Is that fair to ask?

Driving is part of living in the suburbs. It takes a lot of time and energy to carpool. As others have said, it's one thing if you ask for one-time help but when it's every day in a non emergency situation, you're taking advantage. Is there a reason you don't drive? How do you manage other errands?

Can I assume that you are in the southern hemisphere if your child is in school now? If so, the child has been in school for months. What have you done up to now?

It's a chessed when women from the neighborhood pitch in to make meals for someone who is sick or postpartum. If I don't feel like making supper because it's a pain in the neck, I don't post to the community list asking for people to cook for me. I make something very simple or buy food. Why is carpool, taking responsibility for someone else's child, different?

I know I'm being tough on you. I just think it's unfair to besmirch the community when you have unreasonable expectations.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 03 2016, 10:47 pm
OP just based on the title, I was thinking, yes something done for pay can still be a chessed.

For one thing, because there's often a lot of room between "full price" and "free." Eg a therapist who offers their time to a certain client at 100 shekel/hour instead of the usual 300/hour.

For another, because sometimes it's a chessed just for a person to make themselves available, for free or for pay. Like, if my neighbor has no interest in working as a babysitter, but agrees to babysit for pay one night when I can't find anyone else - she's doing me a chessed.

I think the offers you're getting count as chessed. These women had no interest in working as a carpool service, but they're willing to take the job in order to help you. That's a chessed, even if it's not a free chessed.

And then, like previous posters said, you have to realize that you're asking for a lot. Doing it for money is already a chessed. If you need it to be free, you need to explain why.

Like, if someone walks into a store and asks for free food, the first answer will probably be "no." Because if the store owner gave things away for free to anyone who asked, he'd end up with nothing. Only if they explain why they need it for free ("I'm a single mom of 20 kids with no money... ") the store owner might say "yes." The women you're asking for this favor are like the store owner - they need their time and energy for themselves and their own families, they can't just give it away without getting a good reason, or they'd have nothing left.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 3:49 am
I've been in the situation twice where people have carpooled my kids for a long time (as opposed to an occasional emergency). The first time was because I didn't have a license. The second time was because I was on bed rest and had a driving restriction. The first time I paid. There's a reason why people carpool- the whole concept exists because most people can't drive both ways every day, so they rotate with a few others. When someone goes out of rotation, they usually make up for it by driving some other time that they wouldn't. Carpool isn't just some nice get together, it's a carefully calibrated arrangement (which is why it can get surprisingly contentious. I believe it's Fox who's been known to say carpool is the biggest factor in sinas chinam). The point of carpool is to have everyone pull their weight, so if you can't contribute to the driving, you need to contribute in some other way (such as money). When I wasn't driving because I didn't have a license, that was my problem and I had the power to change the situation, which I eventually did by getting the license.
When I was on bed rest, different story. For 3 months, other mothers in the school made sure my kids got there and back. They did not ask for pay and wouldn't accept it when I offered (though I made sure to send them all nice gifts). They were there for me during what was a family crisis that no one could have predicted or controlled. I am forever grateful for that. Even though I was willing to pay, I understand why they didn't accept payment and were happy to just do it in this situation.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 3:57 am
Unless your dr has told you that it is dangerous for you to make that walk to school, then its not a chessed. Exercise is actually beneficial for most of us, even when pregnant.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 10:11 am
Keep in mind, too, that your child takes up a space in the car. It's not like they're going anyway so why can't they take your child too....but they also have to give up that space in the carpool, that could have been given to another child whose mother does drive, to you.

Where is your husband in this? Does he drive? Can he take your child in the mornings, or do one morning a week so you can join a carpool and be taken care of for all the other days?
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 10:22 am
DS went with a friend for a while last year.I was having a hard time managing in the mornings. They literally were driving past my apartment if she took him or not. It was in no way changing her direction or adding time to her morning. I still offered to pay. I think its the nicest thing. I think I paid her $10 a week. It was worth it for my sanity alone.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 10:24 am
Beingreal, I remember your other thread where you wrote that you have vision issues and therefore cannot drive. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be so tough to be dealing with this while you are pregnant! Do the women in your child's school know why you cannot drive?
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Talya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 10:42 am
mha3484 wrote:
DS went with a friend for a while last year.I was having a hard time managing in the mornings. They literally were driving past my apartment if she took him or not. It was in no way changing her direction or adding time to her morning. I still offered to pay. I think its the nicest thing. I think I paid her $10 a week. It was worth it for my sanity alone.

Just want to point out that driving past anyway doesn't necessarily make it easier. It's still rushing out the extra minute or two earlier, waiting for your child if they aren't ready that particular second and it may mean giving up the only private time mom has with her own child. It's good that you paid. I can see why they'd resent or otherwise not want to do the favor. And it's still a HUGE favor. I'm guessing a taxi would have been a LOT more than $10 a week!
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california2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 12:05 pm
It's a lot easier to note the chessed others are NOT doing, than get out and do your own. You may simply feel like this is the time in your life when you need to be on the receiving end. Well, do you have plans for transitioning to the "giving" end? The others moms driving to school must also have similar age kids, so they aren't that far off your time in life, if at all. Some must be facing challenges less visible than pregnancy, but no less all consuming. I hear a lot about the lack of support in our communities, but seldom from people who have "paid into" the system for years and suddenly when they need help, find none available. Those who have helped others with no expectation of return on investment often find those investments pay unexpectedly well indeed. If you had taken other people's children to school for the year before you were pregnant, you'd probably find those parents would be more than willing to try to help you now. And I'm sure there's a reason why YOU couldn't help last year - just as there's a reason why other moms can't help you now.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 04 2016, 12:17 pm
I was neurotic to be honest about waiting outside in the morning. She would text me when she left her house and we went and waited outside. I appreciated it so much that I worked hard to make sure that I wasn't a burden. I had a major joint pain resurgence last winter so I needed the help. For me its moot anyway because when I started feeling better I went back to taking him myself. I was just pointing out that paying any amount is considered appropriate as long as its agreed upon by both people.
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