HUSBAND AT BEDTIME

amother

Brown

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 7:01 pm

who is asking dh to come home from work for bedtime???

I think the question was if the dh is home is he obligated to help out?

The answer is that if dh sees that dw is having a hard time and is not offering his assistance then he is really just being cruel and selfish. Of course it's nice to help someone who needs help! If he is not home how can he help?

creditcards

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 7:08 pm

Who said if he is not home he is still at work?
Some women don't want their husbands to work so late at night, and they are entitled. There is a limit to how many hours a husband needs to work. It's something that's a discussion between husband and wife. There is no room for other opinions here besides for husband and wife.

amother wrote:

flowerpower

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 7:43 pm

I know many men that are home to help with bedtime. When you have all ages or a couple of littles, it can make the night go smoother. My dh though comes home way way after everyone is long asleep. I personally feel that it's easier to do it on my own.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 7:54 pm

My dh is home during bedtime but wont help at all even though he is a SAHD. I work full time and then get home to take care of kids, do housework.... My dh won't help just like another poster wrote. I feel very resentful that I have to do everything after a full day at work, so I can understand if the dh who worked all day would want to "chill" and let the SAHM wife do all the bedtime responsibilities herself!!
However, the dh is a parent too!! So, I don't think you should feel guilty at all asking your dh for help. If you need help, then the dh should help as they are his kids too. As long as dh has some time to unwind...

creditcards

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:00 pm

I personally feel its an easier job to work all day than to be with the kids all day. I miss the time that I used to work full time before I had kids. Was so much easier. (I still love my kids they are so sweet, but it's so draining to take care of them sometimes). I always tell my husband I would trade positions with him any time.

Maya wrote:

It's okay to ask for help at bedtime occasionally if things get very overwhelming at times, but my opinion is that if you are a SAHM, you should be able to figure it out so that your husband - who works all day to provide enough so that you CAN be a SAHM - doesn't have to do the daily childcare in addition to the breadwinning.

I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I hold it very strongly. I know men who work tiring jobs all day, then come home and they need to bathe and supervise and help put the kids into bed, because the wife is sooo tired from whatever she did in the house all day. Well, guess what, everyone is tired at the end of the day. But he did his job, and you do yours.
Try to find ways to make it work, like one poster mentioned that the older kids can watch something for a few minutes while she puts the baby to sleep, etc.

(Disclaimer: If the wife works, even part time, that's a totally different story, as is if a couple agrees to different roles in the home. My post is exclusively about a SAHM demanding her full time working husband help out with daily time consuming childcare chores)

momtra

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:08 pm

My kids are old enough now that bedtime is not such a struggle, but when I had a few kids under the age of 5, I made bedtime later so that my husband would be home to help - may not work for every mom or their kids, but it worked for us. ( I always worked full time, but I think I would have done it even if I was SAHM)

cozyblanket

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 8:50 pm

I work part time and my DH works full time. Sometimes he isn't home at bedtime, but usually he is and he knows he has to help. It is just too much for me - even now in the summer when I am off of work, I need help during bedtime. My opinion is Of course you can ask! You definately have to respect his need for some down time when he gets home from a long day of hard work... but he is these children's father and needs to spend some time with them! We should all be able to have open communication about what is hard for us. For you, bedtime is hard. For him, going straight to bedtime as soon as he gets home is hard. So you need to work out a system that works for both of you. I hope you get to have a respectful conversation about everyone's needs. That may include a strength and weakness evaluation for each of you - one of you is better at brushing teeth where another is more apt to read books or clean the dinner table. If he doesn't like a particular part of bedtime, don't ask him to do that part. Much hatzlacha!

5mom

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 9:23 pm

I'm with Maya on this.

Just because bedtime is hard doesn't mean you can make your husband come home from work. He doesn't make you come into the office to help him with his job, does he?

If he's home anyway, or just hanging out at work to avoid helping you, then it would be reasonable to expect his help. But when he's doing his job, you do yours. Even the hard stuff.

Work out whatever strategies you need to simplify things. And hang in there - it gets easier.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 9:28 pm

My husband is a rebbe/teacher so he's home from 5 until 8, when he leaves for tutoring. My question to all of you is how do you manage dinner and homework singlehandedly in such a short time frame without losing your cool?

My kids and I all get home at five. They need to be in bed by 7:30, they have to unwind, do English and hebrew hw, eat, brush their teeth and change to pj's, plus showering in alternate nights....and the preschooler, toddler, and baby also need attention! Any tips?!

5mom

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

First, you are amazing for getting it all done when you get home at the same time as your kids.

I got home before my kids, so I had some time to decompress, but I handled the rush entirely on my own.

Feel free to ignore this schedule, but if I were you, I would prepare cut veggies in the morning. When the kids come home, settle them in with snacks. Big kids do homework in the kitchen while one parent prepares dinner and the other parent gets the little ones bathed and into PJs. Supper for everyone, read a book at the table if you like. Then showers and chilling for the big kids while little ones get put to sleep. Big kids go to sleep, and after that, clean up supper. Whew!

amother

Cerise

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 10:47 pm

amother wrote:

Yes. Your dh should work with you for at least some of that time.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Aug 09 2016, 11:37 pm

If dh is home anyway at bed time of course he should do his part ! It's not "help" , they're his kids too.
If he's not home then I wouldn't ask him to come home from work just for that , though of course if he could do that - that's amazing.

I'm a SAHM and I work just as hard as DH . Some days I work harder . Other days he does. I understand that he needs down time but I do too!
I think it also makes a difference how many kids you have and what their schedule is like .
My kids are all home by 1 pm. They don't nap , the baby is tiny still. It's a lot of work and not much time to breath.
Dh usually isn't home for bed time but when he is - I don't have to ask him to help, it's obvious.

lfab

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:48 am

My husband teaches in a local boy's high school so he usually gets home right before bedtime (about 6:45). Right after he gets home he usually reads 1 or 2 books to the kids while I finish cleaning up from their supper and reheating/prepping our supper. Then we put them to bed together. I work until 3:15 and pick my kids up on my way home so I have no down time between work and kids. I usually get home from picking everyone up at around 4:15. Then we do homework, dinner, baths, etc. If my husband was at work during bedtime I would do it on my own and would never ask him to leave work early to help out. But if he's home then yeah, he should be expected to help out (even if only to hold the baby while you put the others to bed). If he needs downtime he can wait 10 minutes (or however long bedtime takes) to get it.

mha3484

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 8:36 am

I work full time and my husband does a combo of work (safrus) and child care. He usually asks me if I care what time he makes an appointment to remove or put back someones mezuzos. I ask if he can go after bed time but if he cant he cant. I can get the kids fed, dressed etc but it really hurts my back to put my toddler in the crib so I appreciate it very much if he can be home. My older child will come home at 4 this coming year so I think its nice if DH can read him a book or say shema etc since they will have less time together. Last year he came home at 2.

HonesttoGod

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 9:24 am

We both work full time.
If he comes home on time he helps me with bed time. The kids prefer him to get them in pjs and to sit in their room whilst they go to sleep so he does that if he is home.
He often doesn't come home until they are in bed so I start it and when he gets home he takes over sitting in their room until they're asleep.

lovingmother

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 10:36 am

When I used to work full time I would come home at 5:45, after picking up the kids, I would make dinner, and I would put them to bed. So if a mother can do that after a full day of work, so can a father. Also, depending on the father's job, and how many kids they have, being a SAHM can be much more taxing. The work itself might be easier, but it's more tiring. Some jobs allow for water breaks, or sitting time, so not every husband comes home harried!!
In our family DH isn't usually home at bedtime, but if he is I will definitely ask him to watch baby or talk to one kid, while I put the others to bed. He hardly sees his kids and he enjoys spending time with them, so I really don't see the problem with a husband helping at bedtime. If he was too exhausted or had a bad day at work, I'm sure OP, or any wife would understand if he would say "I would like to help you today has been an exceptionally draining day and I won't have the proper patience to do bedtime."

amother

Ecru

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 10:40 am

This thread is making me feel good about myself. I'm in school part time, and work part time and am b'h able to handle bedtime every single night, without my husband around( usually gets home at around 10). Bh, it usually goes smoothly, with the occasional chaotic evening. When there is a structured routine, the kids know what to expect and it gets easier