Would you tell dd that she isn't as talented as she thinks?

Amarante

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:07 pm

I wanted to add that I just googled teaching child social skills and there is quite a lot of stuff ranging from Internet articles to books. Perhaps if you read there might be ways that you can help build these skills and/or they might point you to the appropriate professional type of help.

I definitely don't think everyone should be a cookie cutter Miss Sociality but I think that it is a useful skill to at least recognize how to play the social game as necessary rather than have to wonder why one's efforts aren't producing the result one wants. Ten is a good age I think to learn because she is old enough to have self awareness but hasn't yet been potentially traumatized by the exacting standards of adolescents.

amother

Red

Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:26 pm

Thank you. I will look into that. Hopefully I will find something that can help me help her.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 7:59 am

OP, my DD has perfect pitch, a beautiful singing voice, and is a talented artist.

She also has social skills problems, and thinks that swearing a lot makes her look "cool". She also refuses to bentch or daven AT ALL. I can barely get her to make a bracha, and I always have to prompt her - and then she rushes through it and skips half the words.

I would trade in a heartbeat.

When you feel embarrassed, remember that Hashem does not care how you sound when you daven, He only cares about what your neshama is saying.

sourstix

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 8:22 am

Ff what saying is totally true but remember that she needs to build her self esteem. And as a mother that's her job. I think there are beautiful responses here. Hatzlacha op.

lili

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 9:14 am

I haven't read the replies so someone might have said it already..but why don't you send her to art lessons or some other outlet? it could make a world of a difference to a child like that.

CPenzias

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 11:39 am

Her teacher sounds like a b1tch. She should daven quietly?! Ugh!

dancingqueen

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 11:42 am

CPenzias wrote:

Her teacher sounds like a b1tch. She should daven quietly?! Ugh!

I agree, sounds like the dds singing was annoying the teacher. I get it as a musical person, but I think as an elementary school teacher you have to suck it up, otherwise that child could be turned off to davening for life.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 12:02 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

So true. One teacher ruined singing for me and since then I don't join in kumzitz etc. she heard us practicing for an elementary school play (5th grade?) and announced loudly that someone was off key. Then said very loudly "X sing to yourself (and mouth the words)". Ruined me socially as kids made fun of me for a while on this. I get it was her play with her name on it but why do it if you destroy a kid in the process? Exploding anger

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 1:35 pm

I posted earlier on this thread- I agree with you all, completely inappropriate for the teacher to tell her she has a bad voice. OTOH, if the teacher thinks other girls are picking on her because of this (again- bothering other girls, not the teacher), I can see why she'd want to discuss it with OP. I would never tell a kid their voice is terrible- suggesting voice lessons can be presented as taking up something she enjoys (singing) as a more serious hobby.

Don't underestimate the evil groups of girls this age can do. Ages 10-13 left me with longterm emotional scars I wouldn't wish on any kid. The less ammunition her classmates have, the better.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 5:45 pm

I was like your daughter when I was little. I eventually worked out what I'm good at and what I'm bad at, and my social skills improved. It was a rough journey, but people don't think I'm weird anymore (which still surprises me, but it means I'm not awkward like I used to be).

My parents never told me when I wasn't good at something. Ever. And I am so glad. Even though there were things I didn't realize I was bad at, I also realized there were many things I was bad at, and my self esteem wasn't great, and I wasn't motivated to try new things. And I was like that without a single person telling me that I was bad at things. Imagine how bad I would have felt if someone had told me. And the kids in my class teased me no matter what - if the the girls in her class are going to be mean because your daughter is awkward or weird, they will be mean regardless of whether she's singing off-key at the top of her lungs or not - they will always find something if they want to. So don't worry about how they are going to behave - it's actually not based on your daughters actions at all. And your daughter will hopefully find other friends that appreciate her for who she is on the inside and/or can ignore her awkwardness.

As a parent, the best thing you can do is encourage her to become better in the areas she's interested in. Many people suggested getting her singing lessons and art lessons. My parents had me do tons of these kinds of lessons when I was young - I must have tried two dozen things. The goal of these classes isn't to make her a great singer or a great artist, that will probably never happen. But that's okay, because the goal is to teach your daughter that she can improve herself through hard work and motivate herself when she has goals. This will build her confidence and self-esteem in general, and will allow her to apply that confidence and self-esteem in other areas of her life (like with friends). It really helped me. It also helped me see naturally where the limit of my abilities was on my own in a really non-threatening and non-disappointing way, because at some point you hit a plateau where you've improved but it slows down and you realize that the amount of work you have to put in to improve more may not be worth it. I never thought "I can't do it" or "I'm terrible at it". Just, "What I would have to do to be better is so enormous that I'd rather stop here and be satisfied with how much I've improved". And to my parents credit, every time I expressed interest in something, they found me classes or lessons. I really know how good (or bad) I am at everything from art to music to science to robotics to fashion design to cheerleading to acting to stand up comedy (still cringing from that one) to videography to show production to reading books to dancing and a whole bunch of other things.

I'm sure it hard that you find your daughter embarrassing, but you're not alone in that! My mother told me recently that she found me embarrassing when I was young (but I never realized, so she hid it well). And just wait a year or two, when your daughter becomes a pre-teen and she'll be just as embarrassed by you and you'll be even. It's okay to feel embarrassed by her, just don't let it get in the way of her and you living your lives. She'll most likely get better as she gets older.

With time, I learned what I am really good at and what I'm not good at. And what is worth pursuing and what isn't worth pursuing. And how to be more aware of myself and others around me. I'm really a fairly normal adult - I have good friends and a good job in a field that I'm good at, and a family. Your daughter can become one too. It's not an easy road, but I think that overcoming my shortcomings and outside adversity made me a better, stronger, and ultimately more self-aware person than I could have been otherwise.

Good luck!

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 11 2016, 8:02 pm

Wow, brunette amother, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I will read it again carefully and try to do as well as your mother did. I am so glad to hear that you overcame your social difficulties, and am hopeful that my dd might do the same.

I would love to send her for lessons, but they are so expensive. We'll have to see if we can work it out somehow.