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My complaining son is driving me-- and everyone else crazy!



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amother
Jade


 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 6:56 pm
Please excuse the long megillah....

My son is 8 years old. His day camp finished for the summer. I am off this month, so I have time to take him on small trips, etc....

He basically sits at home all day and whines he has nothing to do. As you can imagine, it's driving me crazy.

There are a few issues here:

1) he is whining
2) he has options, but he just doesn't want to make the effort.
3) It's a kind of "my way or the highway" attitude

let me clarify: we have plenty to do in this house: plenty of kids books. playing cards, games, and age-appropriate art supplies. We live in a safe neighborhood with little traffic-- he can go bike riding by himself or ride his scooter. Most of his classmates are around for this week. So from an objective point of view, it's not as if we live 25 miles from friends without any transportation....

Let me give you an example:

This morning, he came and said: "Can we go to the Childrens Museum?"
Me: "Sure."
Him: "Can we take the subway there?"
Me: "Not sure it will work out. It might be better for me to drive. I will let you know."
Then he got angry, and said, "Forget it then!"

Then, of course, he spent the whole day complaining "what should I do?"

Everytime one of us comes up with an idea....if it's not exactly what he has in mind he rejects it.....then spends the rest of the day complaining.


Here is another example, last shabbos afternoon.
Him: "What should I do?"
Me: "Want to walk to a friends house?"
Him: "no one is around."
me: "Really? what about Shua?"
Him: "he's not home for shabbos?"
Me: "Really? Okay, what about Tzvi?"
Him: "It's not a good time for him."

So really, later that day, I saw Shua-- his family was home for shabbos, but my kid didn't feel like making the effort. Furthermore, I saw Tzvi's mom....she said that Tzvi was hanging out at home all afternoon and had no plans. Really, it seems that my kid is being lazy and just doesn't feel like making the effort to make plans for himself.

These are just two examples. The other big one is that his day camp finished....but there is a Chabad camp in our city that is very well run. He refuses to go there, even though there are other kids from our school that go there. He keeps saying, "no. it's not my camp."

Now, really, in an ideal world, I would just ignore him and let him whine/kvetch. The problem is that his attitude is really negatively others in the house, especially me and his sister (2 years older).

I've tried explaining to him that Mommy is not responsible for entertaining him, and if he doesn't want to go to camp, he needs to make his own fun. But the message is NOT sinking in! I think I need to change my delivery tactics!

thanks for reading!!!
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:28 pm
Sorry but this is typical for that age.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:42 pm
You can try getting him to make a plan the day before. That might help him get going.

Think of it as inertia rather than laziness. Your job may be to add a little gas.

Can you offer reward or praise for every couple of hours that he doesn't complain or whine?
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 7:43 pm
Two of my children were extremely whiny when they were younger. With the oldest I did 123 Magic. With the other one I used supernanny methods. It took work and time but it worked. (They may have been a bit younger than 8 though when I tried it .Maybe ages 5-7)

I would sit down with him and come up with a list of things he would like to do over the summer. Explain that when he is bored he can pick from that list but he CANNOT whine. If he does he will got to time out, etc... whichever method you prefer.

I would also plan some trips ahead of time so he has something to look forward to and he isn't always saying can we go here today...
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 9:26 pm
Hugs, this sounds annoying.

I wonder if he's whining because he's overwhelmed at having to choose his own activities. Some kids at that age just don't have the ability to make their own plans because they can't visualize something that hasn't happened yet.

If so, it's your job to tell him that today we are doing xyz, on Shabbos you are playing with friend A, etc. Without the pressure to plan, he may be a lot less whiny. He could be whining as an expression of stress. It's easier to whine than to institute a plan.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 9:49 pm
I sympathize do; I do really. But all I can hear is the voice of my mother telling me to bang my head against the wall if I was bored. She was kidding of course and I didn't take her seriously. πŸ˜€ On the other hand, my sibs, cousins and all were pretty self reliant in terms of planning our own activities when we didn't have camp aside of course for the kinds of outings that required parents to take us like amusement parks but even then we became fairly self reliant in terms of public transportation.

Actually the banging head against wall was said in Yiddish if course. Anyone know the translation πŸ˜€

Whining has nothing to do with your skills as the cruise social director. I think it's related to August ennui as I dint remember that kind of feeling except the dog days of summer. πŸ™€
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shirachadasha




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 11:16 pm
Muster all of your mothering empathy, invite him for a private conversation and ask him if something is bothering him.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Wed, Aug 10 2016, 11:45 pm
Amarante wrote:
I sympathize do; I do really. But all I can hear is the voice of my mother telling me to bang my head against the wall if I was bored. She was kidding of course and I didn't take her seriously. πŸ˜€ On the other hand, my sibs, cousins and all were pretty self reliant in terms of planning our own activities when we didn't have camp aside of course for the kinds of outings that required parents to take us like amusement parks but even then we became fairly self reliant in terms of public transportation.

Actually the banging head against wall was said in Yiddish if course. Anyone know the translation πŸ˜€

Whining has nothing to do with your skills as the cruise social director. I think it's related to August ennui as I dint remember that kind of feeling except the dog days of summer. πŸ™€

"Gai shlog dein kup en vant!"
Sigh...How I miss those years.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 12:48 am
Make two lists. One should be of fun activities that he can do on his own and one should be of chores. If he whines that he's bored then you can tell him to pick something from the activity list. If he persists on complaining then assign him a chore to do. I always tell my 8 year old daughter that if she's bored she can go clean her room. Suddenly she finds something else to do.

Don't give him so much say in planned activities outside the house. If you want, you can give him a couple of choices that work for you. Don't let him dictate your schedule or mode of transportation.

Schedule play dates for him. Ask him for a short list of boys he would like to hang out with and make the arrangements with the mothers.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 5:36 am
amother wrote:
Make two lists. One should be of fun activities that he can do on his own and one should be of chores. If he whines that he's bored then you can tell him to pick something from the activity list. If he persists on complaining then assign him a chore to do. I always tell my 8 year old daughter that if she's bored she can go clean her room. Suddenly she finds something else to do.

Don't give him so much say in planned activities outside the house. If you want, you can give him a couple of choices that work for you. Don't let him dictate your schedule or mode of transportation.

Schedule play dates for him. Ask him for a short list of boys he would like to hang out with and make the arrangements with the mothers.


I love this. You shouldn't be amother for such great advice!

I use "Parenting With Love and Logic". It's an amazing book, I recommend it for everyone.

I give DD two, sometimes three suggestions. When she shoots them all down, I just say "You have options" and then walk away. Rinse, repeat. Eventually she realized that "You have options" is the final word, and after that, it's up to her to figure out her own entertainment. That cut down 90% of the whining right there! She's super picky, so it works really great when she whines about dinner or snack offerings, too.

Problem solving is an acquired skill, and it takes practice. Tell him that you believe that he is capable of figuring it out, and stay strong!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 6:06 am
5mom wrote:
Hugs, this sounds annoying.

I wonder if he's whining because he's overwhelmed at having to choose his own activities. Some kids at that age just don't have the ability to make their own plans because they can't visualize something that hasn't happened yet.

If so, it's your job to tell him that today we are doing xyz, on Shabbos you are playing with friend A, etc. Without the pressure to plan, he may be a lot less whiny. He could be whining as an expression of stress. It's easier to whine than to institute a plan.


Why is going to the Chabad camp even a choice.
I would,naΓ―f the camp allows, sign him up for 1 week.
Make a deal with him, if after 1 week he doesn't like it, then he can stay home.
As far as the whining. Is he your only child.
Sometimes this works, sometimes not.
Whine back at him, so he sees how annoying it sounds.
Whining " Mom I'm bored"
Whining back " sorry I can't help you, you didn't want to..."
Whining " why are you whining to me"
Whining back " to help you realize that it's annoying"
Some times it helps
Maybe even record him whining.
And when he's in an attentive mood, play it back.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2016, 3:08 pm
plan, plan, plan.
stick it on the fridge so he can anticipate what comes next.
very important that he be involved in the planing so he is emotionally invested.
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