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Guests & shabbos tisha b'av



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Is it rude to ask to be guests erev shabbos tisha b'av
yes  
 47%  [ 48 ]
no  
 41%  [ 42 ]
other  
 11%  [ 12 ]
Total Votes : 102



amother
Mustard


 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 7:15 pm
Trying to figure out opinions. Do you have guests on a shabbos like this where it falls into tisha b'av?

Is it rude to ask someone to stay by them? What if they feel this is a chessed and don't know how to say "no".

My opinion is not to ask.

Here's my actual situation. DS calls me to tell me he is on his way to elsewhere for shabbos. They were last minute plans that he made. Asked a friend if he could come. Friend said yes.

I am floored that he didn't take it into consideration that it's a taanis. The hostess, his friend's wife, now has to worry about a guest. She already has to worry about her kids, possible pregnancy (something a single guy wouldn't take into account), preparing food not only for shabbos but before the fast as well as after the fast.

Personally, I am not a good faster. My brain would be too fogged to even think about extra things.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I told him this is why there is a huge divorce rate, because men do not consider the feelings of other people and especially their wives.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 7:32 pm
I wouldn't mind. I cook extra anyway.

It probably varies.

I hope DS's friend asked his wife and listened between the lines to be sure it was really OK. But that's their business.

It's a good mother who teaches her DS to be sensitive, as you are doing. And in general, it's better to ask for hospitality earlier in the week, something I'm trying to impress on my own DS.

But I'd call this situation maybe slightly lacking in awareness, rather than downright rude.

Hope you and he have a good Shabbos and an easy and meaningful fast.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 12 2016, 8:18 pm
I think you are overreacting. Why are you assuming the wife is not ok with it? Maybe she likes having guests. Maybe she's already having guests and one extra person is not a big deal. Maybe she's not even fasting at all. If his friend said " my wife said no, but you can still come" then I would be concerned, but Since I assume that didn't happen I think you are Making too many assumptions.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sat, Aug 13 2016, 11:43 pm
I don't think it's a big deal really, and if someone asked me to come in and would say no problem but wouldn't particularly invite.
That being said my baby's shalom zachor was this week and I ended up with 20 extra for shabbos bh.
We all split cooking and it was fine.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Sat, Aug 13 2016, 11:53 pm
I have a difficult time fasting. I also have a difficult time saying NO when I'm asked to have company, even though I know I would not be up to it right before a fast like tisha b'av. Why put someone in an uncomfortable situation?
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Seas




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 8:08 pm
We had guests for both meals. No biggie.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 8:09 pm
amother wrote:
I don't think it's a big deal really, and if someone asked me to come in and would say no problem but wouldn't particularly invite.
That being said my baby's shalom zachor was this week and I ended up with 20 extra for shabbos bh.
We all split cooking and it was fine.


Mazel tov!!
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 9:31 pm
We did get asked to host guests for Shabbat Tisha b'Av. We're good friends and I don't think they were aiming to be inconsiderate, but the timing was bad even aside from Tisha B'Av (I just got back from a business trip). I wasn't afraid to say no.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2016, 11:51 pm
I don't understand the question.

Did your son intend to stay over the fast day? The logistics of getting back to shul right after Shabbat might be more complicated than usual, but other than that I don't see a problem, assuming the guest was going home afterwards.

Even if he were staying (which might seem a little awkward unless they are very good friends), he would be in shul part of the day, and maybe could help look after the children in between. It's not like you do any entertaining of guests on Tisha B'Av - no meals or conversation or other guests. He could read a book in the afternoon and keep to himself.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't prepare a feast for after a fast. It's hard to eat a lot after fasting, so we just take a sandwich or something light. That wouldn't factor into it.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 6:27 am
The problem I have is the last minute part.
How last minute, Friday after 2 pm.
I don't mind to have guests even Erev Yom Kippur is fine as long as they let me know at least in the morning.
The problem I have is someone asked last minute to come for Seuda Shelishit. Then, they didn't show up. It ended up they decided to go to a different part of town and slept shabbos at a friend's house.
Not really a big deal, except for the fact that
1. I don't usually do Seuda Shelishit at home, always in Shul.
2. I would have used paper plates to make clean up easier.
3. It was just DH and I so I did prepare extra, too much leftovers.
At least call and let us know you made other arrangements
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m in Israel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 6:37 am
Am I the only one who thinks it is rude to invite yourself to someone's house on an Erev Shabbos (barring real emergencies) irregardless of whether it is erev Tisha B'Av? When I was in seminary many years ago the staff encouraged us to make our Shabbos plans by Tuesday night. I think that is a bit extreme, but I certainly feel that unless there are extenuating circumstances inviting oneself over to someone for Shabbos should happen by Wednesday evening -- or at the latest Thursday morning.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 7:29 pm
Part of the issue was that it was OOT and therefore he had to stay through tisha b'av. In his mind he was saving driving time for a further drive after the fast. IMHO I didn't think it called for last minute plans.

Also they are all young. I am unsure young couples know how to treat other young singles and vice versa.
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:21 pm
There are some people with open homes who really don't mind guests and host people all the time. Hopefully that was the case.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:22 pm
amother wrote:
Also they are all young. I am unsure young couples know how to treat other young singles and vice versa.


I remember being single when some of my friends were married, and some not. Friendships change a little when one friend marries, but not that much. As you say - they are young. Good friends often have a "standing invitation" to each other's homes. Singles are often found on their married friends' couches or air mattresses. You might want to ask your son to double-check with his friend that everything is ok, but don't assume it isn't.
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amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Aug 15 2016, 9:23 pm
amother wrote:
I don't think it's a big deal really, and if someone asked me to come in and would say no problem but wouldn't particularly invite.
That being said my baby's shalom zachor was this week and I ended up with 20 extra for shabbos bh.
We all split cooking and it was fine.


I never heard of anyone cooking for their own shalom zachor. Did you cook before and have food in the freezer? Did your dh cook? Even if all the food was taken care of, I would find it bothersome to have so many people in my house right after I had a baby.

Mazel tov and hope you get some rest!
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m in Israel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 16 2016, 4:44 am
amother wrote:
There are some people with open homes who really don't mind guests and host people all the time. Hopefully that was the case.


I agree. But that doesn't make it any less rude on the part of the asker. IOW there is the side of the host -- many hosts truly don't mind, and I disagree that there is any reason to assume (as OP implied) that there are any issues between the hosting couple. The husband may know that his wife is perfectly happy to have company, even at the last minute.

OTOH, as a GUEST, yes, I do think it is inappropriate to invite oneself at the last minute to someone else for Shabbos. In this particular case the hosts may not have minded -- but as a general practice, it is just not so nice.
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little_mage




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 16 2016, 9:48 am
m in Israel wrote:
Am I the only one who thinks it is rude to invite yourself to someone's house on an Erev Shabbos (barring real emergencies) irregardless of whether it is erev Tisha B'Av? When I was in seminary many years ago the staff encouraged us to make our Shabbos plans by Tuesday night. I think that is a bit extreme, but I certainly feel that unless there are extenuating circumstances inviting oneself over to someone for Shabbos should happen by Wednesday evening -- or at the latest Thursday morning.


My thoughts exactly.
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