Please tell me I'm going to survive

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 10:51 am

Everything is a fight. Everything is a challenge. Everything is a problem.
Please tell me we are going to make it through these years intact.
(Nothing dangerous b"H but pushing every boundary we've tried to set in our home.)

greenfire

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:03 am

sounds like you have a teenager ... yes ~ most parents survive

amother

Mauve

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:14 am

It will be rough. Very rough. Odds indicate that you will survive. A sense of humor helps.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:47 am

amother wrote:

It will be rough. Very rough. Odds indicate that you will survive. A sense of humor helps.

I'm really, really trying.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:49 am

greenfire wrote:

sounds like you have a teenager ... yes ~ most parents survive

Intact?

imasinger

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:03 pm

amother wrote:

Intact?

Everything, you want?

Did you survive the early years intact?

Hang in there. I'm with you. We can pull our hair out together.

BrachaC

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:10 pm

Having entered our second round- first is 16 and second is 13- I will say that it is easier the second time around. We have much more perspective. Much more ability to laugh it off. Make sure to make time for your relationship with your spouse. You need to have an anchor and someone to laugh with!

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:12 pm

imasinger wrote:

Everything, you want?

Did you survive the early years intact?

Hang in there. I'm with you. We can pull our hair out together.

The early years were a breeze compared to this. They were so sweet then.
It's just such a scary, scary world today.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:28 pm

My DD is only 13, but so far we've been doing really well using the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic". DD is extremely logic driven, so this fits her well. It's worth a try.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:29 pm

grrrr.......have my little girly now......when we discussed what we want have (before we knew) I wanted a boy for that reason.......

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:50 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

My DD is only 13, but so far we've been doing really well using the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic". DD is extremely logic driven, so this fits her well. It's worth a try.

Thank you, I will check it out. Though mine is not so logic-driven; she flares up instantly, gets very emotional and won't listen to reason.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 12:50 pm

amother wrote:

grrrr.......have my little girly now......when we discussed what we want have (before we knew) I wanted a boy for that reason.......

I keep telling myself that one day we will laugh about this. I just wish I was there already.

jeweled

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:16 pm

What is she doing?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:19 pm

amother wrote:

I keep telling myself that one day we will laugh about this. I just wish I was there already.

don't blame ya! my sil is only 8 and my mil is saying that already and I considered myself a good teenage wudnt not wanna be my mother.........its a pretty tough job to raise teenagers......

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:26 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you, I will check it out. Though mine is not so logic-driven; she flares up instantly, gets very emotional and won't listen to reason.

The trick is to stay calm while she's being emotional, and to catch her in a calm mood to discuss logical solutions to her problems. DD loves it, because she feels like I'm treating her like an adult.

When DD is being emotional, I mirror her feelings back to her, and empathize. "I realize that you are very upset about XYZ. It seems very upsetting to you that you can't have...." etc.

When she's calm, I'll ask her to come up with a solution. We'll brainstorm together, and talk about options. I will narrow down what options I find acceptable, and then let HER choose what she wants to do next. I do not solve her problems, I give her the tools to solve her own problems. Now that she has the tools, this has cut down her outbursts by at least 90%!

It took me a few years to really get her into this pattern. I started when she was around 8. She's always been an extremely strong willed child, and we were almost ready to kill each other. The first book "Parenting with Love and Logic" got me through the first years, and the "Teens" book is really helping now. Sometimes I re-read it when I need a boost.

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:34 pm

jeweled wrote:

What is she doing?

Just pushing all the rules we have had in place since she was little b/c "All my friends..." We have already compromised on so much b/c we recognize that she is her own person and has to find her own way but we still have to be parents. And the chutzpah!!

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:35 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you, FF. This is very helpful to me because I tend to react emotionally as well.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:40 pm

amother wrote:

Sorry to tell you this, but that is totally age appropriate! Hug

It doesn't mean that you have to accept it, though. Seriously, get the book.

I sat down with DD and told her "I read a book about how to be a better parent. I want to try some things with you, and see if it will help us get along better. You are not a little kid anymore, and I want to let you make more decisions."

I was very careful not to say that I read a book about how to deal with a difficult teen! I made it all about me, which took the pressure off of her. I also let her know that I really wanted a better relationship with her, and that I did not enjoy fighting with her. This made her very receptive to a new way of approaching things.

amother

Blue

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:46 pm

Having BH survived those years (with at least a couple who were particularly challenging, some were easy, yes) I will say:
1. Pick your battles. Don't fight about non-essentials like unmade beds...

2. I found Rabbi Orlowek's books amazing. I think one is Raising Roses among the Thorns, others are My Child My Disciple and My Disciple My Child (of the latter two, one is more for teaching & one is more for parenting, I forgot which)

3. Never be afraid to consult professionals. My DH feels taking a child to a therapist is sort of a last resort but he was fine with we the parents meeting with a therapist, describing our issues with child, & getting guidance. Of course parenting courses if available in your area or on-line can be excellent as well, though not every theory works for every family

4. One DD had some severe acting out. We even took her to a psychiatrist thinking bi-polar but upon careful analysis the pattern was too coincidental and it was severe PMS. Once she read information & understood this & was careful with diet, sleep & exercise, I could always tell when she was PMSing but it was manageable.

5. Always convey that you love the child, you expect certain things BUT they are allowed to be their own person. We had a DS who we weren't sure if he was a good fit to learn as our family is, and we sat him down & said, we want you to be a happy & successful person. Become a nuclear scientist, an entrepreneur, a brain surgeon - whatever is going to make you happy. He did choose to stay in learning but appreciated our giving him the space.

6. I was VERY into humor. Never give a criticism harshly but it always goes over better as a joke and very much an "I" message. When my kids were making noise at night I had a line (delivered in a very humorous way) "Supoooose someone wanted to go to sleep now?"

amother

Oak

Wed, Aug 17 2016, 1:49 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Sorry to tell you this, but that is totally age appropriate! Hug

I know!!! I just wish it wasn't so hard. Thanks, I needed that hug. Smile

FranticFrummie wrote:

I've said similar but then I will react emotionally anyway. I am going to look up the book right now.

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