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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
Emerald
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 Wed, Aug 17 2016, 8:11 pm
What type of guy would you recommend to your daughter when she looks for a husband?
What kind of girl will you tell your son to look out for when he wants to marry?
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NovelConcept
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Wed, Aug 17 2016, 8:15 pm
When I sat down to make a list of what I was looking for, I was able to narrow it down to two qualities that I still feel are THE MOST IMPORTANT qualities in spouse:
1. Very slow to anger.
Anger is destructive in a marriage. Look for a person who is not easily angered and forgives easily.
2. Yiras shamayim.
He should want to serve Hashem.
Everything else is just details that the couple can work out, in my opinion.
Trust me, those two things are the foundation for a healthy jewish marriage.
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amother
Lavender
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Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:33 pm
Yiras Shomayim and Midos Tovos.
Try to have matching goals in life.
Best advice I got for myself was to make a list of 10 qualities I want in a spouse. Narrow it down to 5. Aim for 3 out of 5.
ETA: Has a mashpia/mentor which he consults with and LISTENS to. That way when something goes wrong in the relationship (which it inevitably will) he will be ready to listen to someone wiser and far more likely then to fix things.
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amother
Honeydew
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Wed, Aug 17 2016, 11:38 pm
I would have a really hard time allowing her to trust any guy. So far I have not met any good trustworthy men.
My slow to anger, sensitive, loving trustworthy man has turned out to be a flaming SA with all his inner anger and resentment buried deep inside which he soothes with the women of the world. What a prize.
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amother
Plum
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 12:53 am
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Midot tovot, yirat shamaim and laid back with others. For anything else she should follow her heart.
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octopus
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 6:01 am
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Middos come first of course. But also someone who has a drive to accomplish something and support a family!
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 6:34 am
He should be a mensch.
He should inspired confidence that he understands achrayus, which is important even for someone not going to work right away.
He should have a connection to Yiddishkeit that animates him. There are different types of people. Some are intense learners and get a geshmak. Others might not be cut out for learning but have a shiur, a rav they respect and who inspires them. Or they may love to learn but are in school and don't have time but will carve out even an hour a week that they can't let go of. But it's a crucial foundation for marriage.
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singleagain
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 7:04 am
The reasons I've found that are important for any relationship are
Respect: you want to be able to respect your spouse and they should respect you. Respect you as a human being. As someone who is is allowed to grow and change, but who will grow and change in their own way. (ie not according to some ideal in your head) Respect that you are both human, that you will make mistakes, that you might need time to cool off or think or adjust to something new. Respect that the way you think/were raised is different, not wrong. Respect that you have a full and complex history, that might take more than a life time to learn. Respect that there might be some things that are hard to talk about but that doesn't mean you don't try.
The opposite side of the Respect coin is Communication.
Communication: you need to be able to speak to each other about anything. From the everyday things of likes/dislikes, to the spiritual deciding what customs are best for the two of you, to the controversial realizing that there are a lot of hot button topics with no one right answer and to agree to disagree, and to the difficult. The difficult will be different for each person, bc it involves becoming vulnerable. But you should be able to admit your darkest fears and deepest insecurities, and not be made to feel bad in any way that this is a part of who you are.
This is I believe the foundation for any relationship. If this coin of Respecication is present. I believe all other things fall into place. Everything else is an offshoot.
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amother
Sapphire
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 7:24 am
A girl who went to the top seminary
Has a degree
Is pretty
Is Gishiket (sorry not sure how to spell that)
Whos parents have yichus and or/ money
Food is served on china in their house
The mother only walks out of the house with a sheitel on
Is tznuis but still dresses well
The siblings all go to great schools/married into great families. No one OTD, special needs....
Maybe will add on more later... (as you can tell I was being sarcastic. I think the main thing in marriage is the ability to compromise)
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amother
Green
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 7:39 am
I never advised my daughters on who to marry! You can talk to your kid to you are blue in the face but it's what they see at home will be a factor on who they marry.
If the kid is old enough to get married then they are old enough to make their own decisions.
Unless they ask for your advise. Then it's a different story!
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Chayalle
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 8:22 am
I once heard Rebetzin Braunstein A"H speak about what she was looking for in a DIL. She said she wants her son to come home to sunshine! So she would look for a happy, easygoing personality.
In terms of my DD's, they are all different from each other! One DD needs a very straight type of guy, no shtick. Another DD is going to need someone very relaxed and fun-loving. My little one, hard to tell, but he should be able to get along with a highly creative, strong-willed young lady.
I liked pinkfridge's post about the basics.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 8:30 am
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The opposite of what I married. But she came to that conclusion on her own when she was 5. If I have my way I will not go down without a fight she will marry without going through the shidduch system.
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heidi
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 8:56 am
Her best friend.
Looks come and go. Romance comes and goes.
But if it's built on a real true friendship, I think it will be amazing for both of them.
Unfortunately, she's not the type to have a friend who's a boy, but I hope when the time comes she dates long enough to make sure she likes him, in addition to loving him.
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SRS
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 9:08 am
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Personality is individual, but trustworthy and a certain simplicity would be my top two.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:32 am
| Chayalle wrote: | I once heard Rebetzin Braunstein A"H speak about what she was looking for in a DIL. She said she wants her son to come home to sunshine! So she would look for a happy, easygoing personality.
In terms of my DD's, they are all different from each other! One DD needs a very straight type of guy, no shtick. Another DD is going to need someone very relaxed and fun-loving. My little one, hard to tell, but he should be able to get along with a highly creative, strong-willed young lady.
I liked pinkfridge's post about the basics. |
Thanks. Because after the basics, you've got to look at the individual. You can have two kids from the same family who love each other, and whose spouses love each other, but who are entirely different.
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amother
Tan
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:42 am
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It certainly seems that the woman on this site are the most genuine, sincere, wholesome people in the world. There has not been one mention of MONEY. As someone who is involved in shiduchim, I can tell you that money plays an important role and is very high on the list of priorities in many shiduchim. It is very much a potential deal breaker. Yet a small sample on this site seems to indicate that money is the furthest thing from anyone's mind....go figure.
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NovelConcept
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:44 am
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Actually, my husband specifically sought a girl with NO money... He didn't want in-laws to control him through their wallet!
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Fox
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:47 am
| amother wrote: | | Yet a small sample on this site seems to indicate that money is the furthest thing from anyone's mind....go figure. |
I think the people for whom money makes a big difference were driven off Imamother during the Bugaboo purge of 2010.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:47 am
Money was the furthest thing on my mind when I married DH, and I hope to raise my children in a way that it will not be a priority for them to 'marry into money' as well.
Believe it or not, there are actually people who think marriage is far greater than a business deal or negotiation with hawkers in the chicken market.
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agreer
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Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:53 am
I would tell my daughter to marry someone that can support her, or at least be the MAIN breadwinner. I don't want her to have to work herself weary AND take care of the children, which is what I hope she would want to do.
In terms of middos, I want her to be respected. I would hope that she could have someone that treats her well and cares about her opinions.
For my son, I hope he becomes the type of man mentioned above.
For him, I hope he finds a woman who is happy, respectful, and capable; someone who prioritizes her family above all else and has the seichel to take care of them in a normal, comfortable, and considerate manner.
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