What kind of guy will you tell your daughter to marry?

rednavy

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 3:03 pm

amother wrote:

It certainly seems that the woman on this site are the most genuine, sincere, wholesome people in the world. There has not been one mention of MONEY. As someone who is involved in shiduchim, I can tell you that money plays an important role and is very high on the list of priorities in many shiduchim. It is very much a potential deal breaker. Yet a small sample on this site seems to indicate that money is the furthest thing from anyone's mind....go figure.

No, the women on this site are actually married. Maybe money is a deal breaker before a couple ever meets ( Puke

), but once you're married, the things people responded with are what matter. 'Deal breakers' in a marriage are Middos, religion, and personal compatibility.

PinkFridge

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 3:04 pm

amother wrote:

Tell me about it Twisted Evil

But that's what I mean by a sense of achrayus. We're not responsible for the results but a young man does have to inspire a sense of commitment to step up to the bat. And not just re parnasa but in everything that comes up in marrid life.

amother

Tan

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 3:51 pm

So are we going to deny that the typical lakewood boy, or any boy that wants to learn for a few years doesn't have specific demands regarding support? These are wonderful boys, but let's not pretend. I redd a shidduch a few weeks ago and things seem to match up on paper to at least warrent a first date. The boy wants to learn for at least 5 years. His mother asked about support. I told her that the girls father will pay 50% for the next 5 years. The girl is in school. A few days later his mother told me they don't feel the shidduch is "shayuch". I've been in this game long enough to know that the boys side realizes that in this "boys market", the boy can easily date girls who can provide full support and so why settle.

SRS

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 4:26 pm

I don't think I need to mention to my own daughter much about money because she would already expect a guy to work and be reasonably ambitious and to be in a position to provide basic support to a family. For us, a man making a living is the pre-req for marrying. I do think that when I'm advising her, it would be in the role of a reality checker. So I would be asking about his trustworthiness, making sure he is someone with certain straightforwardness, that she isn't being clouded by certain nice things like making a good amount of money and missing the red flags like associating with shady people.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 5:07 pm

A few things come to mind:

That he be a mentsch, a good honest guy, above board, trustworthy.

That he be hardworking, responsible, with a good plan in motion as to how to make a living.

That they have a lot of things in common: a common language, culture, values, goals. It's much easier this way.

That they are very good friends.

That they are seriously attracted to one another.

PinkFridge

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 5:12 pm

amother wrote:

New thread maybe? Tongue Out

(Don't let me know where it is, you don't want to get me started.)

out-of-towner

Thu, Aug 18 2016, 11:43 pm

amother wrote:

I do hope that you are not planning on Redding that boy any more Shidduchim.'Nuff said!

rednavy

Fri, Aug 19 2016, 12:35 am

amother wrote:

This is not the topic of the thread

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Aug 19 2016, 1:04 am

amother wrote:

Yiras Shomayim and Midos Tovos.

Try to have matching goals in life.

Best advice I got for myself was to make a list of 10 qualities I want in a spouse. Narrow it down to 5. Aim for 3 out of 5.

ETA: Has a mashpia/mentor which he consults with and LISTENS to. That way when something goes wrong in the relationship (which it inevitably will) he will be ready to listen to someone wiser and far more likely then to fix things.

I made this mistake with my ex. He kept talking about his Rav on all the dates and what his Rav said. I found out that he had never ever gone to speak to his Rav personally and he refused to speak to his Rav when issues came up. Good move.

mirror

Fri, Aug 19 2016, 1:11 am

amother wrote:

The boy's parents are in for a rude awakening. A girl brought up in a wealthy home also, coincidentally, has higher expectations with furniture and clothes and cleaning help that doesn't go away in five years. And when their son has to get a job, he has to support his wife's needs (which are over the top for a typical Kollel family).