Sad about undiagnosed son

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 2:51 am

My big boy is turning 17 soon. Already!!! I cant believe it. He grew up so fast.

I am so sad about how things turned out for him.

It seems, he has Aspergers.

I found a checklist online and he, himself, agreed that he fits it.

How did I miss this, all these years???

Now, when he has to go into the army, I'm panicking. He cannot go in as a regular soldier. He went to a pre-army week long stint and stood at attention at every opportunity, even when inappropriate to do so.

He talks like a 12 year old at times, and other times he scares me because of the things he says. Then my friend told me, Aspies dont have a filter and will say everything they think. That's so him.

I still recall the little boy who came home from cheder and said his best friend is the spider by his desk.

How do I let go of my disappointment?

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:08 am

I am in a similar situation of missed diagnosis with a 12 yo. Ok it's not as old as 17 and it's harder for you and I'm not comparing. This is all I keep trying to tell.myself. It helps me a lot. If doesn't help you, ignore.

Hashem is in charge of the world.

He made your son exactly how he should be.

He alone provides for you and for him.

You soon did not get diagnosed because he did not need it.

Therapists don't heal anyway - they are just tools that Hashem uses to heal in a hidden way in this world.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

If Hashem wanted you to see the need for diagnosis He would have let you see it.

Keep telling yourself this sort of thing over and over again.

Then you are supposed to say- Hashem does all this from love. That's the really hard part for me.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:17 am

We are in the same boat. Truly. Just 5 years different. Crying is good. Let it all out. It will be ok. Do any of your other kids have autism? (that's how I worked out about the 12yo). If not it's all new to you. Really really hard. This child even now will teach you a lot. Don't worry it will be ok. You may have to redefine ok but redefine it you will.

On the other hand I'm sorry if I upset you.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:29 am

You're helping me so much. I dont have any other kids with autism spectrum. No family history.

He is the one child that I totally understand most of the time. And no one else gets him like I do. We're very close.

I cannot believe I missed it. He didn't always talk non-stop nonsense. That's how I missed it. He used to not be very verbal. Now he doesn't stop talking and everyone cringes at what he says.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:36 am

This is my take on autism, or any diagnosis. It is a tool which identifies what is the same about people. People who for into the group "autism" have certain characteristics that make them similar. To the extent that this helps people understand each other it is great. But really what is far more important is what makes us unique.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:39 am

I love him so much and had big dreams for him. He's my einstein.

And yet he tested at 103 IQ. How could that be? I know he's brilliant. What happened to give that low number? Could his learning problems affect his IQ score? His visual skills are very high. But he cannot read or write effectively. And overthinks things, cannot rule out correct from incorrect answers because of 'all the possibilities'.

His social skills problem affected his psycho-dedacti results, that's for sure. They're worried he's a suicidal maniac, when all he was giving deep philosophical answers because he didn't understand what she wanted from him.

"What do you want to do with your life?" he answered, "life is meaningless." And he has a whole complex point of view on the meaning of life, but bottom line is, he's not suicidal.at.all.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 3:49 am

They're not going to draft him at all if he gives even an inkling of being suicidal.
If you really don't want him to be drafted, take him to a private psychiatrist, get him diagnosed for aspergers. It's not an exact science. Many will diagnose based on your description anyway. If one psychiatrist did not diagnose him that way, it doesn't mean the next won't. Some kids don't fit into any neat labels.
If he gets an asperger diagnosis he is automatically exempt from the army. But exempt is a nice word. It means the army won't take him even if he wants to go. I think he gets out with profile 21, which is the very lowest, and has some implications for civilian life later.
Of course he can volunteer for the army afterward, but it's not the same category as serving mandatory service.
If the army weren't in the picture, I would not be sad about not finding a diagnosis. Sometimes we are so eager to find a label for our kids that we harm them in the process. I would advise you (from experience) that if your son is so well-functioning that he hasn't had a diagnosis yet, that maybe it would be better to view him as different or eccentric rather than give him a psychiatric label. Those labels often do a lot more harm than good, both for the kids' self esteem and for their social standing. It's not like there is a magic cure for aspergers if he gets that label. He can go for social coaching with or without being stamped as autistic.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:00 am

Slateblue, the exemption is a regular medical exemption. There is no way for an employer or anyone else to discover why it was given.
Of course, it may pay or be the right thing to do to volunteer the information - depending on the circumstances.
In any case, there are many, diverse reasons why a medical exemption is granted and in everyday social interactions it is a statement that is usually taken at face value.
By the way, I totally agree with what you said about getting a label and how it can be harmful in certain cases.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:04 am

His dream for years was going into the Army. He would've signed up for long term!

Now he sees his army dream crashing down. And... probably I'm more upset about it than him.

I am eccentric and so is my son. I didn't label him because he is, or was, high functioning. I had him doing a private program for autistic kids when he was younger, because he was dyslexic and low verbal. But I've seen autism from my friend's son, and my husband worked with autistic adults many years ago. We didn't think autism fit our son.

So recently we read about Aspergers (because of Imamother). Is it a new thing? And now its being taken off the DSM? I dont get it, really.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:12 am

Sorry my last post for a cross post with you. The army thing is going to be a big readjustment for him and he will need support.

about the rest..... so you do know a bit about this.

How the DSM V relates to the DSM IV is confusing. What used to be called Aspergers may now be called High Functioning Autism Level 1, or Social Communication Disorder, depending on whether the person shows extreme rigidity.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:12 am

You can still look into "Roim Rachok" which takes kids with Aspergers into a special unit where they do aerial intelligence work. It's very selective and your son will undergo extensive testing and interviews but maybe he fits the profile of what they are looking for.
You should be in touch with Amutat Effie- they specialize in Aspergers (as opposed to Alut) and deal with options for sherut leumi and volunteering in the army.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:15 am

amother wrote:

OP - what are you most upset about-

Not doing army
The diagnosis itself

Just overall disappointed.

Really, you hit the nail on the head with your first post. Guilt.

You comforted me so much with the words, "You've done nothing wrong."

And it really helps to not be alone in making a late diagnosis.

Also, trusting in Hashem. I do believe nothing happens by accident.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:18 am

amother wrote:

Your post gave me the goosebumps because aerial surveillance is what my son wanted to do in the army.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:20 am

You did not make a late diagnosis.

Hashem revealed it to you when you need to know.

* do not let go of this thought*

Having the expectations about the army and then having them dashed are all about Hashem's plan for you and him.

Or maybe he will just do aerial surveillance anyway!!!

Sorry I know a bit about autism but nothing about the army.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:21 am

Why don't you want him in the army? Because you think he can't handle it? Trust me, if the army thinks he's not fit to serve, they won't draft him.
Think very carefully before you do anything drastic, like volunteer info to the army that he has asperger's. These things cannot be retracted. If you decide in 6 months that you were too rash and he can serve after all, it will be too late.
It seems you are hysterically rushing into this. Especially considering the fact the kid wanted to serve, you should take it slow.
They are not going to put him in a combat unit if he's 'off' in any way. And if they do put him in a combat unit, he can get out of it then.
I suggest postponing service by a year to think things over. I don't think everyone should serve in the army, but because it has such big social implications in Israel, a kid should only get a ptor if he's sure that's what he wants.