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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
My daughter is an only girl - need advice
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 4:52 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Even a boy who comes home after a long day at school can do something simple to contribute to the family. It doesn't have to be major or strenuous. It's just a change of pace. Clearing a few plates from the table, or putting away some clothes into drawers, or picking up a few lego.....doesn't take all that long before he parks himself on the couch. Great training for the future, when he comes in after a day at work and wife wants some help with baths and bedtime.....

My high school girls pitch in when they come home after a long day at school plus dance practice. They still put away their folded laundry, prepare lunches for the next day, etc...they need time to unwind too, but responsibilities don't just disappear. They do a few things, then have their time to eat, shmooze, and konk out......


Don't the boys and girls have homework too? I know I had a ton in HS.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 5:42 pm
I have 7 sons k"h and 1 daughter. She is second to youngest so she sees all her older brothers doing family chores and that works well. She is 9 years old. I am close to 50 so she will probably never have a sister Sad . Since she was young, I tried to tell her as often as possible how lucky she is to be a special only daughter. How wanted, and waited for and cherished she is. I am able to do certain things for her just because she is only 1, such as expensive classes (swimming, music etc). She is aware that many of her classmates cannot join her since it would be cost prohibitive to sign up 3 or 4 girls. When I buy her jewelry (mostly fake), I go to town and buy generously and tell her how happy I am that I can buy just for her. She is home.more than the boys and when we do fun girl stuff, baking etc I try and mention how I enjoy spending special girl time just with her. I know there will be many times when she will feel the lack (especially as my sister and I share the care of our elderly parents), but we cannot create a perfect world for our kids, so the most I can do is try to get her to see the good in her situation.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 6:32 pm
I am the oldest and only girl and I love it! I am the princess of the family. I don't come from a large family, so I wasn't ever treated like a third parent, just a few basic age appropriate chores, and my brothers were also expected to do a few basic age appropriate chores. I got a lot of mother-daughter special time (manicures, spas, stuff like that) but also enjoyed being a rough and tumble tomboy, which has come in handy as I currently have all boys- who, BTW, all help out at home, because why wouldn't they. Also, as the only daughter, my parents went all out in making my wedding- which I didn't ask for nor expect, but definitely enjoyed. They knew it was their only chance to really make that kind of simcha, as wedding aesthetics do tend to favor the bride more than the groom. No competition with SILs having babies at the same time, girls prefer their own mothers, so my SILs move in with or have their moms over and I am able to have my own mom over.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 8:56 pm
I can relate directly to a lot of what you write. I was an oldest and my mother burdened me with a lot of responsibilities and I also said that I would never do that to my oldest, only daughter. I never expected much of her. Of her own will she helped a lot with the younger boys when she was 11-15 but I never overburdened her with childcare and household responsibilities.

To add an interesting perspective. This week my oldest only daughter gave birth to her first baby. And I was there for her. It is "payback time" I will not be there for my daughters in law the same way I am there for my daughter. She lives in the same city and they will likely not and they will likely have their own mothers to help. So I realized this is my one and only chance to really be there for a new mother. BH.

I know that doesn't help you much where you are now and unfortunately I did not have time to read all the other responses.

As for wanting a younger sister 12 years younger my daughter realized by that age that if it happened they would have little in common because of the age gap.

Does she have cousins her age? My daughter has a cousin 2 years younger who is also an only girl. They were very close "pretend sisters" when they were young.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, Aug 24 2016, 10:21 pm
I just wanna give hugs to all the only girls out there and wish you OP the best of luck. Its. Its not easy for her. Im an only girl with thirteen brothers kih, I never had to do more than my brothers. Chores were distributed evenly. I did have many many playdates with friends.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Thu, Aug 25 2016, 12:00 am
I feel for you and your daughter. I am an only girl and so is my daughter(she's 13). We both have more than 4 brothers. Being an only girl is a challenge. Honestly I find it harder now as I try to navigate relationships with numerous sisters in law.
For my daughter, I encourage time together with friends. She knows our home is open for them to get together for school projects. I try to make sure to have nice snacks, homemade cookies if I can. Give them space and keep the boys away.
Also, I sign her up for extra curricular activities, like dance, or even if it is something that is only running for a month, also good.
I shop with her for her clothing, it's easier anyhow to have her along, but it's nice bonding time.
With my youngest son, I knew I was having a boy. She obviously wanted a girl. I shared with her that HaShem gives us everything we need in life. Even though we may wish it were different. (Trust me, I wish I had a sister too and one for my daughter as well)
I also kept telling her that boy babies are cute too, she was convinced and loves her baby brother.
As far as nosy bodies. You can find a line you feel comfortable with to answer them. Something about how you love all your children, it's a bracha and davening for a healthy baby. I'm not so good at that part. But if you can neutralize the statement may be helpful for her to hear from you.
Bsha'a tova, enjoy your children!
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, Aug 25 2016, 12:37 am
I want to chime in on the dynamic you mentioned in your first post, op. You say that you're daughter barely does anything in the house, and you mention that growing up you were expected to take care of everything for everyone. I don't know you or your situation, but just given what you wrote, may I gently suggest that you are continuing the dynamic of your childhood to this day. You are continuing to do everything for everyone, and not requiring assistance from your children.
I come from a very similar dynamic, although for me, it's reversed. I am like your daughter. My mother did everything for everyone when I was growing up. I was the oldest, and only girl. And boy was I lazy.
But it felt awful. I felt worthless. I had nothing to do at home. No sense of contributing or belonging, I may as well not have been there. You mentioned your daughter is bored - your daughter is needing a sense of being needed at home. She wants to be a part of something - show her that she is an integral part of the family by expecting more from her.
My mother, in her love for me and not wanting to burden me, didn't give me any training for life. I spent my childhood reading and watching TV and not doing much else. After I married, I was completely and totally clueless of how much effort life requires of you. It took me years - YEARS - to figure out how to keep house, take care of babies, and cook and clean for my family. I had no training in it, and no one taught me how to do it. In her eagerness to do for others, my mother deprived me of my childhood by not letting me use the time to learn to contribute to others.
Now I have my own oldest girl, who up until a year ago was the only girl. Each of my children have chores that are required of them. My older children make snacks for the younger ones, change diapers, get kids dressed, they even made Shabbos last week. All my children help put toys away, tidy up the house, and sweep and mop. (Currently mopping is my 5 year old's favorite activity. He is constantly asking to mop. I buy extra brooms, dustpans, and cool shticky mops. We turn on the music and dance and clean together. Extra water makes it fun Smile sometimes they get in their bathing suits and turn the hallway into a slip and slide Smile .) Sure they mumble and groan and complain, but that's what they're supposed to do - they're kids, not adults. And they always feel good when they're done. Accomplishment is a good feeling.
I want my children to feel a sense of value, to feel needed and appreciated, to feel they are working together on a common goal, and to feel capable. I felt like a side-show growing up, never really achieving or accomplishing anything. It's taken time for me to feel capable, and I've worked hard to help my children feel capable. Childhood is a training camp for life, this is the time for them to experiment, try things out, and have fun with things that will get serious when they're older. It's not taking her childhood away to give her a chance to grow.
Anon because with all her faults, I love my mother, and would never publicly complain about her.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 25 2016, 10:09 am
dancingqueen wrote:
Don't the boys and girls have homework too? I know I had a ton in HS.


Sure they have homework. A few minutes of helping out doesn't take much from their homework. They have plenty of time for the phone, shmoozing, etc....a few minutes of putting away their stuff still leaves time for homework.

Being part of a family means contributing in whatever way is possible to the family. Everyone has responsibilities. A boy who comes home from school and does not have to contribute to the family will not learn to contribute when he grows up.

I have 5 brothers B"AH, I know the schedule. I remember my older brother making potato kugel for Shabbos. I remember my brothers shlepping in groceries from the car, and taking out the garbage. One very handy brother put in a new storm door, and re-upholstered the kitchen chairs - but that was during vacation.

My very good friend has brothers who are from Lakewood's finest learners. I remember them helping with the Pesach cleaning.
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MyUsername




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 25 2016, 1:41 pm
So I don't have any sisters, and my sister in law also doesn't have any sisters. And you know what, we became like sisters! We live in the same city, and often pick up each others kids from school, drop by just to chat, hang out in the park, occasionally 'babysit' the other's kids, etc. It's great. So even though both of us didn't have sisters growing up, as adults, we each gained a 'sister'. So even if your daughter doesn't have a sister now, it's not too late for her to have family members who can be just like a sister to her later.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 25 2016, 3:08 pm
MyUsername wrote:
So I don't have any sisters, and my sister in law also doesn't have any sisters. And you know what, we became like sisters! We live in the same city, and often pick up each others kids from school, drop by just to chat, hang out in the park, occasionally 'babysit' the other's kids, etc. It's great. So even though both of us didn't have sisters growing up, as adults, we each gained a 'sister'. So even if your daughter doesn't have a sister now, it's not too late for her to have family members who can be just like a sister to her later.


You're lucky! Unfortunately, it seems that often sils don't really become true sisters.
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