4 year old made racist comment, how to explain to her

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:30 am

We had an African American repair man come to our house to fix something. My kids were home at the time and were in and out of the room that the repair man was working. My 4 year old saw the repair man and asked out loud looking at me "Why is the man all black?"
The repair man didn't make a big deal out of it, he said 'What' and then awkwardly laughed.

I quickly took my kids in the other room and set them up with toys. As he was leaving, I thanked him and apologized.

My 4 year old is a very curious child and was not asking to be malicious. She was honestly curious. It's not like she hasn't seen African Americans before, we do all the time. And, it's not something she's overheard me or my husband say. We're not racist at all and don't say anything like that. I think her curiosity got the better of her and the thought occurred to her at that time.

I can't think of a way to explain to her that people have different skin colors with her being able to understand properly. Any suggestions? For now we made a rule that no one is allowed to talk to strangers EVEN if the stranger is in the house without our permission. They have to be in a different room playing. Anyone have experience with this?

sky

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:37 am

Maybe I'm wrong - but I don't think its a racist comment. Its a kid being curious. Racist would be if it was negative.
Just like it wouldn't be anit-semitic or bother me if someone asked about my kid's yarmulkas, why we can't eat the food, etc.

I think just explaining that Hashem made people looking different is sufficient. And maybe explaining that its better to ask questions about people in private rather than in public. You can try roll playing how they would feel if someone asked about them in public. Your child shouldn't be embarrassed for asking because its normal to question things. I don't think keeping kids totally separate is really possible or a livable solution.

Last edited by sky on Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:38 am; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:38 am

She didn't make a racist comment. She asked an honest question. Kids will do that.

I think it's good for kids to have a little polite interaction with visitors, even repair people, so I think a better rule is, "We never ask, either to a person, or where they can hear, anything about how they look or how they are different. Those are questions to ask Mommy about privately. Nobody likes to hear questions about how they are different from what someone expected. Would you like it if you heard someone ask about you, "why are you so...(fill in the blank -- little, maybe).

The answer is that skin comes in lots of different colors. Show her some pictures.

Maybe like the one here:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wik.....color

FranticFrummie

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:40 am

Your child is not a racist, she's observant. There's nothing wrong with saying that Hashem made all kinds of people, and that the repairman is that color because that is the way Hashem made him. He is perfect just the way he is, because Hashem knows what he's doing.

I told DD that if everyone looked exactly the same, how would you know who was your mommy, and who was your best friend? How would you know if someone was a stranger, or a person we trust? Don't you think Hashem was smart for making us all different?

When DD was about 4, when we were at shul with a friend of mine who is morbidly obese. DD said "Shaindy* has a HUGE BUTT!" in an outdoor voice that only a 4 year old can do. embarrassed

Yeah, we had a long talk after that about fat shaming, and we talked about all of the people we know and love who are different shapes and sizes.

It's just part of parenting, no need to freak out and keep your kids on lockdown. Let them talk to safe adults, under your supervision. The only way to raise healthy and balanced kids, is to let them meet all kinds of people, and learn about them.

causemommysaid

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:49 am

I think that you made a huge deal about something that was nothing.

When she asked the question I would have said something like "Hashem made all kind of people and everyone looks different, some are tall, some are short, some have dark skin, some have light skin, some are blonde, brunette etc. We are all beautiful because we are all children of Hashem"

GAP

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:53 am

I would've said people have all different skin colors and they are all beautiful and I would've said it so the gentleman can hear. I don't think running into another room and shutting the door was a helpful response, although, I understand it was done on a whim out of embarrassment. It would've been better to address the question.

pond user

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 11:53 am

By removing your kid's from the room you lost a wonderful learning opportunity. For the record your kid was asking a perfectly legitimate question. Even kids who grow up around people of different colour eventualy ask how this happened. "Mom, why am I black and Freddie is white?" Clearly the man heard the comment and wasn't offended, but your next actions may have offended him.

You could've turned to your child and said something like, "this man has a black skin colour and that tells us his ancestors come from a different part of the world than we do." Then you could've turned to repair man and asked where he originated from. If he said eg Africa, you could've continued on to daughter, "In Africa there are far fewer people who look like you and me and more who have darker skin. Isn't that right Mr repair man?" Etc etc...

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:10 pm

pond user wrote:

I don't agree with this at all. I think continuing the conversation in front of the man would have been more awkward. He was clearly uncomfortable by what she said but didn't want to make anything of it.

I want to make this in to a teaching moment about different skin colors, and I like the way many people here have phrased it. But, I think continuing on with that conversation at the time would have been worse.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:13 pm

My sister did this when she was three with the grocery cashier- she told my mom his dark skin scared her ( in front of him) I was a kid and was really embarrassed but I assume my mom handled it ok ( this was her 5th child). Little kids do say some things in public that we wish they wouldn't say but it's usually coming from a place of curiousity. The world is just so new to them.

mummiedearest

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:20 pm

my daughter is that age and is fascinated by differences in skin tone. she will point out who is browner than who, the fact that our family is white (we're all really pale), the fact that her cousins got tans over the summer and are now browner than they were before. And yes, this is in public, in a loud voice, about random people. I just tell her that everyone's skin is different and it's all pretty. that's it. Her fascination is not going to go away anytime soon, nor should it. I will work with her on keeping comments about appearance private, but I don't expect it to sink in for quite a while.

Calm down, op. your daughter is totally normal for her age group.

amother

Oak

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:25 pm

Until I was about 5, my grandparents lived next door to an African American family, and they had a little boy about my age who I played with regularly. My mother reminded me of this, but I recall on my own, that I had apparently arrived at the conclusion that his skin was darker than mine because he was never forced to take a bath (which I hated being forced to do).

There was no judgement about that in my 4 year old mind, I was actually quite envious and apparently used that "proof" to make a big fuss about why I shouldn't be forced to take my baths.

I mention this because children know very little about how the world works, and they use their limited experience to make sense of stuff. There's nothing wrong, or intolerant about that. Even in my case, where apparently I tried to come up with a "logical" explanation for what I observed, which sounds gross and judgemental (and embarrassing, hence amother) from an adult perspective, was actually a very matter of fact interpretation for a 4 year old.

My dh has extremely dark skin. So my kids grew up with more exposure to skin color differences, but still ask all sorts of questions about the myriad of different appearances of people on the street. Teach them about not staring or pointing or asking loudly, but definitely encourage them to ask. Your casual explanations will set the stage for a lifetime of tolerance and acceptance of individual differences.

imasinger

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:40 pm

I wonder whether the man had short sleeves. Maybe her comment had more to do with discovering that the skin on his arm matched skin on the face?

You never know what kids are thinking.

DD, you remind me of the time when, as a teen, I had a part time after school job in the children's section of the local public library. A little kid whose books I was checking out said, "why are you so fat?". I blushed and said, "because I eat too much", and would have taken it in stride, but Mommy turned all shades of purple, started babbling to the kid about, "you know Mommy goes on diets sometimes too", and made me feel a lot worse.

Best, IMO, to talk to the kid in private, and just shake your head and laugh together in public.

singleagain

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 12:51 pm

When I was that age, we had a baby sitter from Jamaica. I just recall being fascinated that the palms of her hands were differently colored than the tops of her hands. I remember looking at her hands so clearly. To me it was just cool.

She was only our baby sitter a short while, and when she came to visit once. I told my mom they was a stranger at the door, not a black lady.

I feel like kids don't think in color. That comes later.

amother

Brown

Fri, Aug 26 2016, 1:39 pm

Adults tend to freak out about kids being kids because we forget that they honestly don't know. It's normal for kids to play with their privates, for example. It doesn't mean they have s-xual thoughts, and they can't know not to do it in public until You teach them not to. Same applies here. Kids have 2 eyes and no filters, they see something different,they say so, and usually quite loudly. She could have easily said something equally embarrassing about someone in a wheelchair or someone obese. She is behaving normally. Your job is not to freak out or wonder where you went wrong, but to TEACH her- both about general differences between between people (hashem made many different types and all are btzelem elokim)and that its not nice to point and make comments about it.
Btw, a common mistake that a lot of people make is that we can't talk to our kids about differences because we need to be color blind. Not true, we must acknowledge these differences! First of all, we don't want our kids to feel ashamed of asking questions about the things they have questions about, and secondly, we need to acknowledge them in order to acknowledge history and even some of the current issues.