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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Preschoolers
amother
Babyblue
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Sun, Aug 28 2016, 9:11 pm
What would you do if 1)Child (5 yrs) starts hitting and throwing things at you (intent to hurt) and is otherwise acting out of control? 2)Child (4-5 yrs) pulls off your head covering in public?
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amother
Babyblue
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 11:26 am
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amother
Chocolate
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 11:32 am
is this new behavior? have there been big changes in the kids' lives? can it be someone's bullying them?
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 11:37 am
Every time it happens, get them to use their words. Ask things like "Are you mad?" "Are you hungry?" etc. I get the feeling that there's a lot of frustration going on, and by coaching communication, you can get them to stop physically acting out as a way of expressing themselves.
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Miri7
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 2:29 pm
1) I would step back (out of reach). Remain very calm - don't look angry or like you are losing it. If they're throwing their arms around, let them wail a bit - don't try to stop it. While doing that, do as FF said. "Wow, it looks like you are really upset." Acknowledge the feeling behind the behavior without judgment. Then, when it seems like they are winding down, or you have hit on the trigger for the anger, you can say, "yes, I think x made you feel very mad. Do you want to tell me about it?" "Can I help?" Then later on you can talk about how when you are feeling mad, it's best to use words, and not to hit with hands. I tell my kids "I don't know what is wrong and can't help when you are hitting. If you use your words then we can solve the problem." Later, when your child expresses sadness, frustration, anger with words - acknowledge it! Tell them they did a great job at using their words.
2) I would react calmly and say "I don't like it when you pull my head covering off." Again, don't get flustered or act like it's a big deal. I might say "Did you want my attention? If you want my attention, you can put your hand on mine and I will know you need me." (This is what I've taught my kids to do when we are out and I'm conversing with someone and they want to interrupt me.)
My main thing is not to "reward" behaviors I don't like with a big reaction. If the child wants my attention, I try to guide them toward more appropriate ways of getting it.
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amother
Seafoam
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 2:57 pm
Miri, how do you step back if dc follows you? Dd has started doing this because of circumstances that can't be changed. She will use her words to tell me how she feels while she hits me, and continues to hit when her problem isn't solveable.
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amother
Jetblack
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 3:03 pm
amother wrote: | Dd has started doing this because of circumstances that can't be changed. |
Can you be more specific?
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amother
Seafoam
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 4:30 pm
She is the youngest. She objects to this. She wants privileges the rest of the kids have that she is too young for, and pointing out that she is already getting some of these privileges at earlier ages than her siblings doesn't help. Nor does knowing that being the youngest has it's perks. Extra efforts to include her in more grown up things help, but aren't always possible. Examples: she fights over both her bedtime and her booster seat.
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imasinger
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Tue, Aug 30 2016, 6:11 pm
Why don't you help her by setting up a system where she can earn what she wants by behaving better?
The car seat is a matter of law, but possibly bedtime could be extended by up to held an hour for great behavior. "Wow, I see you were mad about needing to sit in your car seat, but you controlled yourself. That's an extra 5 minutes you can stay up tonight; great work!"
Keep looking for opportunities to praise her for self control and maturity.
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Iymnok
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Wed, Aug 31 2016, 3:44 am
Is she in control of herself?
If she is escalating you can benefit from holding her- bear hug pinning her arms down. She may need to learn to calm herself down even though life doesn't seem fair.
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Teomima
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Wed, Aug 31 2016, 6:50 am
Personally I'm a big fan of time outs. Not as a punishment, but as a cool-down period (for both child and parent). I do one minute per year. But (and this is the important part) afterwards I come sit next to the child and very calmly ask her several questions, one at a time, and wait for an answer. Where were you just now? (Time out) Why? (Because I hit Ima) How did you feel being in time out? (Sad) How do you think I felt when you hit me? (Sad) If you ever do that again, what will happen? (I'll go to time out)
At the end, I ALWAYS give her a hug and tell her that I love her no matter what.
I've found this to be a great method to get through rough periods in my children's development. Now that they're a little older I have two methods (though by six-seven we hardly needed time outs anymore), one for "minor infractions" that involve going to time out till they're ready to apologize, and the minute-per-age one for anything major. Hurting Ima absolutely counts as something major in my book.
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