Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Was it wrong to ask my daughter to take the kids out?
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 2:44 am
I have a 14-year-old daughter plus a bunch of little boys. I also had a baby less than 2 weeks ago so we didn't really do anything interesting this summer.

My daughter graduated elementary school this year. She is extremely attached to her school, and she and her friends spent many days there this summer helping out to get ready for the new school year. She's been doing it very happily for the last few summers, but this year I could tell it meant even more to her since she's not going back to the school. Even though I was in the very end of my pregnancy and had a houseful of little boys on vacation, I let her go whenever she wanted to. I'll add that whenever she asked if she could go, she made sure I wouldn't need her help that day at home - she understood that her obligations at home came first.

Yesterday she went on an all-day trip with her friends. She had a choice of going yesterday or today, and she chose yesterday because today would be the last day she could help out at school since the school year starts tomorrow. She mentioned that to me but only in passing - she didn't actually ask if she could go to school today. I actually forgot that she had even mentioned it.

Today is the last day of vacation for some of the kids, and since we haven't done anything all summer, I thought it would be nice to send them to a local farm for an hour or two just to do something. Also, DH is attempting to paint the kids' room today and it helps to have them out of the house. I asked DD and her 12-year-old brother how they feel about taking the younger kids to the farm, and DD said that she really had been hoping to go to school for the last time. I asked her if she could go to school after she got back instead, and she said that she could if they were still going to be there at that time. I gently reminded her that she had been gone all day yesterday and didn't have to help, and she said she understood. I also - again, very gently - pointed out that her obligations at home came first, and she said that she knew that and would take them to the farm. She put up no opposition whatsoever and seemed to realize her priorities, but she did look a drop sad when she left with them.

Part of me is saying that it's okay for her to learn that chesed in the home comes first, especially after I let her go every time she wanted to this summer. Another part of me is saying that this is her last day to go and I know how important it is to her - and they might not be there anymore when she gets back so I don't know if she'll be able to go later. So I'm feeling a drop guilty.

What do you think?
Back to top

amother
Green


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 3:00 am
amother wrote:
I have a 14-year-old daughter plus a bunch of little boys. I also had a baby less than 2 weeks ago so we didn't really do anything interesting this summer.

My daughter graduated elementary school this year. She is extremely attached to her school, and she and her friends spent many days there this summer helping out to get ready for the new school year. She's been doing it very happily for the last few summers, but this year I could tell it meant even more to her since she's not going back to the school. Even though I was in the very end of my pregnancy and had a houseful of little boys on vacation, I let her go whenever she wanted to. I'll add that whenever she asked if she could go, she made sure I wouldn't need her help that day at home - she understood that her obligations at home came first.

Yesterday she went on an all-day trip with her friends. She had a choice of going yesterday or today, and she chose yesterday because today would be the last day she could help out at school since the school year starts tomorrow. She mentioned that to me but only in passing - she didn't actually ask if she could go to school today. I actually forgot that she had even mentioned it.

Today is the last day of vacation for some of the kids, and since we haven't done anything all summer, I thought it would be nice to send them to a local farm for an hour or two just to do something. Also, DH is attempting to paint the kids' room today and it helps to have them out of the house. I asked DD and her 12-year-old brother how they feel about taking the younger kids to the farm, and DD said that she really had been hoping to go to school for the last time. I asked her if she could go to school after she got back instead, and she said that she could if they were still going to be there at that time. I gently reminded her that she had been gone all day yesterday and didn't have to help, and she said she understood. I also - again, very gently - pointed out that her obligations at home came first, and she said that she knew that and would take them to the farm. She put up no opposition whatsoever and seemed to realize her priorities, but she did look a drop sad when she left with them.

Part of me is saying that it's okay for her to learn that chesed in the home comes first, especially after I let her go every time she wanted to this summer. Another part of me is saying that this is her last day to go and I know how important it is to her - and they might not be there anymore when she gets back so I don't know if she'll be able to go later. So I'm feeling a drop guilty.

What do you think?


Don't feel guilty at all! You are TWO WEEKS after a baby!
Back to top

Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 3:32 am
What's done is done. There is no point in feeling guilty. Let this be the biggest of her problems.
That said, I think you could have organized things differently. For example, why is your dh painting the room davka today? He can do it next week or next month. He should have taken the kids to the farm.
The last day of summer vacation is time dependant, painting a room usually isn't.
In any case, your dd sounds like a great kid. She spends her time helping out at school or helping out at home? Wow, amazing. And you just had a baby. Don't feel guilty about anything, just rest up.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 3:46 am
What they said.

And mazel tov. Both on your baby, and on raising such menschlich older kids.

The best thing you can do for her, IMO, is let her know how much her sacrifice was appreciated.
Back to top

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 3:52 am
Tablepoetry wrote:
What's done is done. There is no point in feeling guilty. Let this be the biggest of her problems.
That said, I think you could have organized things differently. For example, why is your dh painting the room davka today? He can do it next week or next month. He should have taken the kids to the farm.
The last day of summer vacation is time dependant, painting a room usually isn't.
In any case, your dd sounds like a great kid. She spends her time helping out at school or helping out at home? Wow, amazing. And you just had a baby. Don't feel guilty about anything, just rest up.


It's DH's last day of vacation too. He had been planning all summer to do the paint job, but between the birth, the bris, and some other things that came up, he didn't get around to it until now. Once he goes back to work, he has no time to paint.

Yes, my dd is an amazing kid BH. And I frequently let her know how much I appreciate her help.
Back to top

simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 4:18 am
Yes, my dd is an amazing kid BH. And I frequently let her know how much I appreciate her help.[/quote]


I am sure that you already do, but remember to emphasise how much you appreciate dd, not just her help.
Back to top

heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:14 am
It's not your daughter's fault that you have a bunch of little kids.
Yes, you were wrong.
Helping out in the house should be contributing to general functions of things she benefits from like putting away her laundry or making a salad for supper or helping clear off the table.
You and your husband should be caring for the children that you brought into the world
Back to top

amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:21 am
I hardly ever post but I feel strongly that I need to respond. I think you were wrong to ask you daughter to do this - it is lovely that you have had a new baby but that is not a reason your daughter your daughter should have to give up her last day of summer vacation - I highly doubt she will resent having a shabbos job doing the occasional dishes, etc etc - but she is NOT your Nanny. I had a friend who's mother always did this to her - and she truly was miserable. I feel like you should apologize to your daughter and ask her to go on a coffee date with you - where you can discuss what is the appropriate level of help in the house that you BOTH feel is fair.
Back to top

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:25 am
heidi wrote:
It's not your daughter's fault that you have a bunch of little kids.
Yes, you were wrong.
Helping out in the house should be contributing to general functions of things she benefits from like putting away her laundry or making a salad for supper or helping clear off the table.
You and your husband should be caring for the children that you brought into the world


Thanks for your opinion. In general, she helps around the house - she washes dishes or helps bake for Shabbos. Today was the only time this summer I asked her to watch the kids - and she won't have to do anything around the house today since she took them. She really doesn't mind doing child-related tasks instead of household-related tasks. My only hesitation today was because she wanted to go to school.

She came home very happy from the farm - she had a good time herself. It was too late to go to school, but she said she really didn't mind. I let her know how much it meant to be that she gave that up to help out.
Back to top

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:30 am
amother wrote:
I hardly ever post but I feel strongly that I need to respond. I think you were wrong to ask you daughter to do this - it is lovely that you have had a new baby but that is not a reason your daughter your daughter should have to give up her last day of summer vacation - I highly doubt she will resent having a shabbos job doing the occasional dishes, etc etc - but she is NOT your Nanny. I had a friend who's mother always did this to her - and she truly was miserable. I feel like you should apologize to your daughter and ask her to go on a coffee date with you - where you can discuss what is the appropriate level of help in the house that you BOTH feel is fair.


Thanks for posting. In no way is my daughter treated like a nanny. On the contrary, she tells me that she helps a lot less than most of her friends and she really appreciates that. As I posted above, this is the first time this summer I asked her to watch the kids, and that's instead of helping around the house today. She's totally fine with that. She had the entire day to herself yesterday to go on a big trip with her friends, and the whole vacation I let her go wherever she wanted. She was out with the kids for about 1-1/2 hours today, not the whole day. I did just tell her that I'm sorry she had to give up going to help in school for the last time, and she said it's really okay - she didn't mind as much as I thought she would.
Back to top

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:38 am
Just want to add - it's not her last day of vacation. She starts on Sunday. It's the last day she could help out in her elementary school since her elementary school starts tomorrow.
Back to top

mom2six




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:48 am
As a teenager, I often had to help with my younger siblings. I didn't resent it at all. I barely lifted a finger in the house, so I understood that helping with the kids was the kind of help my mother appreciated most. I'm not sure why some posters here seem to think that's off bounds while housework isn't. As long as the amount of help is age appropriate, I don't see why it matters whether it's to bathe a toddler, fold the laundry, or take the kids on a one-time outing to a farm. I certainly would have been fine with any of the above as a teen, as long as I wasn't spending my whole day helping out - and it's clear that the OP's daughter has plenty of time for herself.

OP, I think you're a great mother and that you have nothing to feel guilty about. After having a baby, it's perfectly reasonable to expect your teenage daughter to help out with the kids occasionally.
Back to top

OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 5:49 am
Taking siblings out for 1.5 hours once in a summer, or even once a week, is not a big deal at all in my opinion. The timing and the lack of advance planning you could improve in the future.
Back to top

Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 6:25 am
You did absolutely nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with kids helping out their parents, as long as we don't take advantage of them. That's the best way to bring up healthy, well adjusted, mature adults. Your dd sounds like a great girl, with wonderful parents!
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 7:34 am
OP, your daughter sounds like a true jewel! Care to share some parenting tips? I think we would all love to raise children as helpful and thoughtful as your DD.

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I think that it's OK to recognize that she felt a bit disappointed, and let her know that you understand.
Back to top

amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 7:46 am
Thanks to all of you for your support. I really appreciate it.

FranticFrummie wrote:
OP, your daughter sounds like a true jewel! Care to share some parenting tips? I think we would all love to raise children as helpful and thoughtful as your DD.



I would love to give parenting tips if I would have any. I honestly don't know what we did to merit such a child. She is truly a gift and we are very fortunate to be her parents.
Back to top

Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 8:51 am
Of course you did nothing wrong! Having your teenager watch her siblings occasionally is not at all the same as passing off your parental duties to her. You are delegating in a time of need. I also disagree that teens should only help in chores that benefit them directly. In a family we pull together to do what needs to get done. When mom is postpartum or someone is sick the needs are greater. If taking out the other kids for a couple hours makes the house run more smoothly then everyone benefits.
Back to top

HonesttoGod




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 10:53 am
Chesed starts at home. Family first.

This is what I was always taught growing up and it is true. You did nothing wrong, she might not be happy but that is life.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 11:43 am
I think it is good to have older children help. It helps them learn responsibility and be more independent. I know because I did this for my mom.

Of course, some have the opposite opinion and say "don't make her your nanny". But, asking her to help take the kids out one time is not treating her like a nanny. If you were doing it everyday that would be different.

Children who are not asked /taught to help are often "spoiled" according to me and may have a harder time adjusting to the "hard work" of life when they are adults. Of course, these terms I am using are all relative.
Back to top

greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 31 2016, 2:42 pm
how would your daughter's post sound on imadd ...
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Some kids don’t thrive in a school setting 34 Today at 7:04 am View last post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
149 Today at 12:03 am View last post
Are all kids like this??
by amother
4 Yesterday at 11:49 am View last post
Belati Kids
by amother
0 Yesterday at 8:05 am View last post
Daughter was waitlisted at NJ high schools, what to do?
by amother
17 Yesterday at 7:01 am View last post