So how do you do it?

amother

Rose

Mon, Sep 05 2016, 9:51 pm

I have an 8 yr old ds. he has social issues. and a strong adhd marker. hes very impulsive. so he doesnt filter his mouth. he speaks to adults like he is an adult. and doesnt have boundaries. so there are a few issues here.

he wasnt evaluated yet. I have an appointment in a short while. in the meantime. I have a very hard time dealing with how he speaks to me and others. he literally has no control over what he says. he doesnt even get it when we tell him you cant speak like this. I already explained to him its not derech eretz. but I he doesnt get it. its just so painful for me to have a child with such issues.

he is very outspoken. he says what he thinks. for example if I go out with another child for a short walk and want to just calm myself and spend quality time with another child and I dont want him coming along. because he needs constant supervision. he is a yummy kid. he has alot what to say but I constantly have to tell him what to do. or he touches other peoples property. I live in a place where there are many non jews. so they are particular about thier property. they dont like when you touch their stuff. he has no problem just going into a neighbors house without asking. if the door is open he just walks in. I had to teach it to him many times. I just feel on edge all the time. I dont know what hes gonna do next. he is hyperactive so he doesnt calm down. and hes on the go all the time.

the only time he will calm down is to eat or read. or a dvd. he is constantly asking for things. and he doesnt accept a no. he argues constantly. evne when there is nothing to argue about.

dh says I hate my ds. and he cant stand it anymore. I lose it and get angry and irrational. I think many times that I am not fit to be his mother. I get emotional over hwo he speaks. he has guts to say things I didnt say till I was a teenager. which is kind of normal. he has no embarrassement. one day he needed to go to the bathroom and it was getting very hard for him to hold it in so he peed outside my house right not far from my door. in broad daylight. anyone and everyone could see. I was mortified. he had no issue with it.

I have enormous amount of anger. and I dont even want to raise him anymore. he also has encopresis. which kind of is under control for now. but he still goes once a month to a therapist. that is about over an hour away from my house. because only she deals with such kids.

if this was my only child with issues. life would be tolerable. but I have another kid with issues that isnt living with me. my ex got her. I feel so lost. I dont even know if a this evaluator will be able to help us. for sure an evaluation will help. but I feel like I cant do this anymore. I am mentally done. I just cant give anymore. dh doesnt ever praise me for the hard work I do. I know I should praise him for the hard work he does. but I dont. other issues I have in my marriage makes it very difficult for me to motivate myself to move on. I just wish dh was a warmer personality and praise me and notice the hard work I do. but no he only sees when I lose it. and get madly angry. when I am so lost that I am so angry. and if I tell him how I angry I am he cant handle that. I have absolutely noone to talk about it. so I came here. if there is any advice you can give me I would appreciate it.

any support groups for such situations I would appreciate it.

my marriage isnt in trouble so dont worry. its just certain things I would love to get from dh that I cant get. I cant make him into something else. he is a good person. but this is really getting at the both of us. he tries to calm me down but he doesnt help me. I get more angry. I wish he came with me to a therapist to help me learn how to communicate better. but hes not seeing the point. he doesnt see what he can gain. I do think there are things I can learn to change but I dont know what. he says I think black and white. and I think I know what he means but not sure. so this is a little of the marriage issue. but no my marriage isnt in jeopardy.

amother

Slategray

Tue, Sep 06 2016, 12:10 am

Hashem only gives us this sort of challenge in order for us to get closer to Him. That is what I keep telling myself anyway. Having the child improve as a result of my efforts with therapy etc is a bonus, but not the main prize. The main prize is truly acknowledging that Hashem is in charge of the world, and working on improving my own middot as I cope with the challenges of having children like this.

It's like if you lose something, then you give tzeddakka that in its merit you will find the thing. Then you find the thing. But the "thing" is not the reward. The reward is the fact that Hashem made it EASIER to give the tzeddaka. So now you've given the tzeddaka and that mitzvah will never be taken away. The kids work like this too. Sort of. Hope that makes sense.

Signed
Mom of several very challenging children.

ETA I agree about the chocolate.

amother

Coffee

Tue, Sep 06 2016, 2:03 am

You are not a bad mother, nor do you hate your child. You hate the havoc his issues have wrecked on your life and on your peace of mind and sanity. That is not the same.
Do not let your husband's faulty mistaken assessment of you affect how you see yourself.
This is a challenge like no other.
Your child is extremely impulsive and would probably benefit from a medication evaluation.
You need parenting training for parents of kids with ADHD.
The interventions are specifically geared for dealing with behavioral challenges specific to these types of kids. A regular parenting class will not do.
I've taken both and the differences are enormous.
You can also check out the Diamond Program. It is a behavior modification summer day camp/ program on the campus of Darchei Torah in Far Rockaway specifically for kids with ADHD and behavioral challenges.
Parents are required to participate in a weekly training class to learn how to parent their children more effectively.
Maybe they run classes during the year as well.

amother

Rose

Thu, Sep 15 2016, 12:39 pm

Thanks everyone who responded. I think dh is able to see the disability for what it is and see his positive traits as well. And I had a discussion with dh that is he doesn't acknowledge how painful this is to me I might become really crazy and end off in a mental home. I had no choice because I needed him to give me an opportunity to vent. Because I don't have anywhere else. As soon as I said that he understood. He realized that acknowledging the pain is the first step.

Then I was able to calm down and listen to what he had to say. Dh understands ds condition much better. He also has adhd. Only he is able to control himself very well. Understands himself very well. I asked dh recently If he also has it and he acknowledged it. When he was growing up there was no such concept. So he learned how to manage it on his own and also wasn't such a severe case.

Anyway now I already have preliminary assessment that dos has adhd. We don't have the conclusive one yet. But yes I now understand that his brain doesn't understand certain things and possibly never will but I do have hope that he will mature and get it. He will probably need medication to calm him down.

He has a beautiful side to him and realizing he doesn't do this on purpose is what helps me understand and realize it's just who he is. Now I need to tell myself that I don't care what others tell me it's who he is and love him with his issues. He needs a lot of help socially I am hoping that medication will calm him and help cope better. He is a genius. Out of a class of 8 boys he was the only kid who knew Chumash last week learning it only 2 times! Every person has strengths and weakness! I found his and I am a happy mother again😀
It's not easy but I have to keep reminding myself. I was in a very dark place before I met his neuropsychologist and confirmed his condition even tho I knew it at that point I understood it better. Bh for that.