My kids are bad compared to their cousins.

amother

Mint

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:21 pm

My parents make me feel like I have difficult, irritating kids compared to my sister's kids, who truly are well-behaved angels. I do the best I can but one son in particular is challenging. Yes, I discipline, and we have all the behavioral charts, rewards, prompts etc in place to help him regulate his voice and behaviors. My parents make me feel bad about this son, and like I'm a bad parent since I can't control him better (really, I'm trying, we are working on it.)

Any advice? My feelings are hurt. Sad

imasinger

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:23 pm

I sympathize. I have a similar situation.

I try to remind myself that the only judge that counts is Hashem, and my children have just as important gifts to bring to this world as their cousins.

And often, parents play this game with the whole family, so that each grown child only hears about how much better their siblings' children are.

Last edited by imasinger on Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

NovelConcept

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:31 pm

I also was told that my kids are spoiled, but then I realized that they are not spoiled. I just have one high-intensity kid (you could see it from birth!) and one kid with boundless energy, like my husband who is part of every organization you can think of, 'cause he has so much koach.
Once I realized that my kids are wired differently, I accepted it, and no longer feel bad when someone makes a comment. They can't understand; they haven't lived with these kids since birth. Let them think what they want. Just ignore.

amother

Mint

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:33 pm

freedomseek wrote:

Whatever it is, a parent who makes a married daughter feel inferior to a sibling is not in the place to judge your parenting skills.

They haven't outright said "her kids are better than yours," but it's implied. I know how they feel about my kid's behavior. And my sister's kids are known around the community for their exemplary behavior. And she has twice as many children as I do....so I'm the crummy mom who can't manage her very small number of children.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:40 pm

I am in a similar situation but instead of criticizing me about my kids behavior, my parents criticize every parenting decision I make.

. when parents are critical, especially when they are criticizing something that you tried hard but can't control, its very hurtful. I understand how you feel. And, I try to ignore the criticisms. Only when I had more distance was I able to think more positive about myself. But I'm not telling you to do this.

. I am sorry that you are feeling bad about your parenting skills. You know you do everything you can but obviously, your mom never had a child of this nature and really can't understand what you are going through.

. I'm assuming you spoke to your parents but your feelings"fell on deaf ears". I'm sorry that your parents are not being supportive.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:40 pm

amother

Natural

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 9:55 pm

amother wrote:

wow ... I could have written that exact same post!! No real advice just letting you know that your situation is not unique (unfortunately).

Tzutzie

Thu, Sep 08 2016, 10:58 pm

Op some kids are better behaved than others.

Just two examples, sister A has 8 kids kyh. 3 are more easy well behaved kids. (Well one is still an infant.) 4 of her kids are REALLY challanging. And one is somewhat challanging.
Same house. 8 children. They behave totally different. They ARE different. Each child is a complete human being on its own.

Sister B - our husbands are first cousins. This means that both our kids originate from very similar gene pools. Basically 3 out of 4.....
And they couldn't be more different! My kids are dark. Hers are very light haor/eyes. Mine are EXTREMELY active amd terrible busybodies. Hers can sit and just watch her cook for 2 hours straight. Or sit by the window for an hour. Mine wouldn't do that for 3 minutes!!!! (And btw they are just adorable! And very bright. Although my kids are cutest Wink

)

Her kids are hers and they are humans with their unique natures, talants, struggles, challanges and capabilities. So are mine. And so are yours!

I'm sorry your family can see that. Someone once said, its the most challanging children that give you the most nachas later on.

I wish you and EVERYONE, parents of well behaved and challanging children alike an abundance of yiddish nachas. We as parents all work so hard. We deserve it.

chani8

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 4:05 am

amother wrote:

Please dont let them pressure you into parenting like that. I'm speaking from experience. My FIL pressured me to spank my kids. Now I know, parenting isn't about discipline. It's about family. Your child is not a soldier.

Also, kids hate being manipulated with charts. And even if they dont hate it, the messages inherent in that are terrible.

Kids are not meant to be controlled! They are meant to be made safe and secure. But not controlled. That's impossible unless you're into beating into submission.

Regulating his voice?? In a fancy restaurant perhaps!

If you think you should be like your parents, or take advice from them at all, step back and take a look at this post you wrote. It shows a lack of self-esteem and a need for external approval. It shows a lack of emotional boundaries, that others influence your feelings. It shows fear of failure. Their goals show a lack of parenting skills in general, with judging, comparing siblings, and criticizing. All those are fairly well known as 'bad parenting'.

Dont be like your parents. Be you. Despite how they tried to destroy your spirit. For your child, find the empathy you never got. Find a sense of humor. Parent him with patience. Build him up. Enjoy him! And heal yourself along the way. Be a better parent to your difficult child than they ever were to you. My guess is that you were a good girl.

And forgive me if I've said way to much or if I'm out of line in any way. Probably, I'm projecting what I went through with my inlaws. I really had to work hard to let go of wanting their approval.

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 11:23 am

chani8 wrote:

OP here - you're totally out of line. The reward chart is working really well for my son. Of course kids need to regulate their voices - a kid that is yelling all the time should learn normal conversational volume, and that there's a time and a place for everything. Psychoanalyzing me and my parents is just....weird. I gave you no background about my own childhood, which was actually lovely - so you're assuming a lot here. And are you a parent that believes in zero discipline and thinks it's ok for kids to run wild? I am not. I believe that behavior modification, when provided with love and patience, is necessary.

BrachaC

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 12:12 pm

I recently went to a training- the topic was a collaborative problem solving model based on Ross Greene's work. One of the foundations is: Old school of thought: Because of poor (passive, permissive, inconsistent) parenting, kids learn to use challenging behavior to get things (like attention) or to escape/avoid things (e.g. work) This is incorrect thinking: Greene proposes: Difficult kids often lead to poor parenting!

I am not at all saying you are a poor parent. Sometimes you need some help being the best parent for that difficult kid.

I have a couple of siblings with harder than average kids, and I am that sister who's kids "look easy." My kids are plenty hard, but they don't have the challenges in social situations that one of my sister's kids have, and they don't have an inborn "make trouble for fun" streak that the other sister's kids have. We have a lot of academic issues, confidence issues and as a house full of girls we have a lot of DRAMA! But for the short visits my parents make we usually manage to keep it together, I feel so terrible for my sisters and how judged they feel during each visit. I have tried to introduce the above topic to my parents. We'll see how far I get!

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 4:02 pm

BrachaC wrote:

Interesting, thank you. I think his behavior affects mine sometimes.

Miri7

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 4:24 pm

Give me a fiery strong child over a meek sheep any day. It makes things hard at times, but I honestly worry a lot less about my strong-willed energetic kids than I do those who are always on their best behavior.

And remember this lesson your parents have taught you so, when your wild bunch is grown you reserve judgment and take care that they all feel loved equally.

ETA: Along the lines of what one poster above said, when my kids are being challenging around my parents, I try to focus on my behavior, not "correcting" theirs. I try to keep calm and steady and not let my feelings of failure and inadequacy dictate my parenting choices.

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 4:42 pm

Miri7 wrote:

Nicely put. Good advice.