Help with something nice to say....

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Yellow

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 9:13 am

A relative I was very close with my whole childhood and until the last few years is getting married in a few days. He's OTD and the woman is not jewish. I'm not at all happy and can't bring myself to wish him mazel tov obviously, but to ignore that this is happening and say nothing at all seems wrong too.
Is there a really nice way to word something along the lines of, "while I don't support this marriage and think what you're doing is right I still love you and wish you well and hope you find the happiness you are looking for" without sounding condescending or rude? Or at least a way to nicely acknowledge that he's getting married without lending support to it?

mummiedearest

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 9:47 am

just tell him you love him and wish him well/happiness. anything about disapproval will be rude.

seeker

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 10:02 am

Maybe something along the lines of "Thinking of you on your big day" followed by your messages of love and caring?

newface34

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 2:15 pm

It's not your place to voice your disapproval. This is his life and his choices. I wouldn't approve either but would never say it out loud. Even a simple "congratulations" is enough.

seeker

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 2:51 pm

I hear what OP is saying, though. Even though I wouldn't want to voice any disapproval, I wouldn't say "congratulations" either. For me, that's too celebratory for something I can't condone.

PAMOM

Fri, Sep 09 2016, 4:55 pm

"I wish you and Becca all the best."
"I hope you have a wonderful life."
"I hope your life together is all that you want it to be."

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 12:55 am

Not to be insensitive, but how can she be all happy and congrats about a tragedy? If he has children with her and mashiach comes, he will have to leave them behind. If he wakes up in a few years and does teshuva, he will have to leave them out of the frum part of his life.

I don't know what you should say, other than tehillim in tears.

You could just say "we have so many wonderful memories, may you find true happiness. He knows you don't approve, why act fake and congratulate him? He will hear the insinuation, but his bride won't and he won't feel embarrassed

MitzadSheini

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 1:44 am

amother wrote:

You could just say "we have so many wonderful memories, may you find true happiness."

Said in a loving way, I think this is a very clever response. You could even say "I hope that the two of you find true happiness". The fact that your definition of this may involve her converting or them divorcing each other doesn't have to be said, because he probably already knows that.

I heard a shiurr on the topic of giving gifts in that situation and the Rav said on that particular case a gift was not allowed for the wedding, but a few days later you can AND SHOULD give them a gift "for their new apartment."

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