He said you need a shave

amother

Teal

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 1:33 am

Am I overreacting?

Ds 16 told dd 14 yesterday that she needs a shave.
I thought that was a very inappropriate and personal comment to make. Ds is MO while the rest of us isn't. And yes he has a gf and if he wants to talk to her like this it's fine. But not to dd. Every so often she Gets that type of comments from him.

What's the best way to respond?

water_bear88

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 1:55 am

No, that comment would be inappropriate regardless of religious affiliation. Being MO isn't an excuse for being rude.

Iymnok

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 2:07 am

I'd understand the other way around, but you never tell a girl/woman that.
As pp said, regardless of religious affiliation.

lili

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 2:33 am

depends what kind of relationship they have. somehow it doesn't bother me so much. and I'm very heimish. seems like in your Family such a comment is inappropriate but in a Close knit/open family I think such a comment would be normal.

imasinger

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:22 am

In general, I'd say it's wise to tell DS that it was not very nice.

Criticising a girl or woman's looks is never appropriate; kol vachomer on something a male isn't supposed to be looking at.

If he says that his gf's hairy legs really bother him, maybe teach him something nicer and more diplomatic than "you need to shave."

Your DIL will be grateful someday; your DD's will be grateful now.

Last edited by imasinger on Sun, Sep 11 2016, 5:45 am; edited 1 time in total

baby12x

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:44 am

As a kid who had excessive hair problems, please tell ds that is completely inappropriate.
Comments like that can be hurtful abd cruel to a young teenager- really to anyone of any age

vicki

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:52 am

I agree, this is not about religion. It is about being insensitive to his younger sister's feelings. On the other hand, kids often get grooming tips from older siblings. Sometimes through teasing. Same s-x siblings would be more appropriate.

amother

Silver

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 6:04 am

My brother told me at 13ish that I needed to shave under my arms. Who knew? My mother didn't tell me. Was embarassed but grateful.

hmcty

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 7:31 am

I think it really depends on their situation and how close they are, if this was done privately to give good advice or if it was given in public.

amother

Gray

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 10:54 am

Does she? Was he saying it to be mean or he was giving advice albeit in a not polite manner? Once when my brother and I were fighting, he said I was ugly. I was very hurt and still remember it to this day from around 30 years ago. He would never remember he said it.

Scrabble123

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:06 pm

lili wrote:

I'll echo this amother's point.
It just depends on the relationship, comment, and so much more.
I don't think that it is horrendous either way, and you can speak about it nicely to both children if it was not appropriate and/or was extremely uncomfortable for your family.

amother

Teal

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:40 pm

Thanks for all the replies.

Ds was in a rebellious confrontational mood at the time and together with impulsiveness (adhd) he acted like this. I don't think there is any excuse 4 it though and will approach him, when the moment is right, about it.

He also thinks he needs to educate my other dd 5 about bis**ual and get things even though she doesn't understand.

Is that normal teenage behaviour?

imasoftov

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 3:53 pm

amother wrote:

And yes he has a gf and if he wants to talk to her like this it's fine.

Even if you would prefer he did not associate with girls, it would be better for him to do that in some way other than by behaving badly towards them.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 4:07 pm

Normal is different for every teen. Sit down with him (prob have hubby with you as well) and have a talk about the rules of the house, what topics he should avoid with his younger siblings (lgbt etc or whatever you and your hubby decide) And that he's expected to act like a mentch. Not say rude comments to his sister about her personal hygiene etc. If she has an issue, You, as her mom will discuss it with her. Hatzlacha. Smile

amother

Teal

Sun, Sep 11 2016, 4:12 pm

Thanks crimson

I'm a single mum and new to this.
I hope to get this nessage thru to him. I keep reminding him every so often that I'm the mother in the house and educate the children. To which he if course replies.......So I'll move out then ( which he knows I wouldn't be happy with as his father is otd ) and I have learnt to recognise empty threats.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 9:44 am

You got this teal! Single moms are power houses Smile

May Hashem give you the strength you need and put the right words in your mouth to reach your son. Also check out the book 'How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.' Good luck Smile

Miri7

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 2:27 pm

I would approach it from the perspective of empowering him and giving him a greater sense of responsibility while also reinforcing your authority as the parent.

I would tell him that as he's older now his sisters or siblings really look up to him for approval, guidance and advice. So when he says something they really take it to heart. Tell him you depend on him to let YOU know if he notices something - DD needing to shave, DS having the "wrong" backpack or whatever. Ask him to talk about these with you first. Tell him that you depend on him to clue you in to these types of things and explain that you need him to talk it over privately with you first. I would play to his sense of maturity and responsibility as an older brother.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 2:41 pm

I thought he meant her face as in upper lip is hairy, she needs to wax.
Either way it's inappropriate.
He shouldn't tell that to his girl friend.

amother

Teal

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 4:06 pm

I think he meant upper lip. But which ever he meant would be inapropriate.
Realising the mood he was in he went to his bedròom straight after to cook down. So I did compliment him for that.

sweetpotato

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 4:13 pm

Your son was being a jerk. He needs to be told that, and possibly have some sort of punishment (grounding, etc.) it should be clear that you don't tolerate insulting comments toward your daughter, or anyone. I'm not sure what you mean by saying it's ok if he wants to speak to his girlfriend that way.

Hopefully your daughter stands up to him too.