"Protecting" a child from your spouse

Teomima

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 2:46 am

I haven't read all the comments yet.

Your situation sounds familiar, though in my case there's more to play (my dh has bpd). The two examples you gave were about kvetching. Is that a trigger issue for your dh? I know some things mine can handle, but some issues are just too much, and his reaction is completely disproportionate to the situation.

My advice is, if you can narrow it down to a trigger issue or two, have a private discussion with your kids. Explain that this is something that REALLY bugs abba (this can be a good place to create a dialogue allowing them discuss their own pet peeves etc) and can they please out in an effort to watch the kvetching around him.

Also, as long as his reaction isn't really crossing the line (abusive etc) you MUST present a united front. Stand by your dh's warning/punishment. But use it as a way to create a lesson (in my case, after such an argument occurs, I speak to my children privately and try to have them empathise with how their father must have felt -I can give you a sample dialogue if you like-, and use it as a way to calmly learn the lesson. Because his shouting at them will not make them learn).

However, you can also try to jump in and preempt him. They're kvetching in the car? Before dh says anything, you say, "kids, you're kvetching and making it difficult for abba to drive. What happens if you shout and yell in the car? That's right, we turn around. So please stop and talk nicely. Thank you!" Hopefully, eventually either they'll learn, or he will.

Good luck!