Sometimes I hate my son

amother

Ginger

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 6:33 pm

Amother for privacy.
My son is five. He has SPD. He has had behavioral issues his whole life. When it was just him, I could handle it. I poured my heart and soul into him for 4 years, until my second was old enough to need some attention.
Now I'm pregnant, and have him and another one and I HATE him. He's regressed so much the past 6 months that he's on the level he was when he was 2.5, which was his absolute worst. But now he's stronger and smarter and trickier. He hurts me and his sister hourly. Anything she touches he grabs away. He walks or runs up to us and pinches or hits for no reason. He bit me today. He refuses to eat and then tantrums that he's hungry. He climbs on multiple chairs and stools stacked to reach Shabbos treats. He says mean mean things like " I'm going to kill you and rip your head off" "I'm going to smash your stuff and make you bleed and cut off everything"
He wants me to do everything for him. Even with modeling he rarely asks for anything, only demands and screams and tears the house apart. He licks me ( I cannot stand that) and

And if you tell me I'm a bad mother I will collapse. Everyone judges me for his behavior. I use positive reinforcement all the time. I walk away when it is too much. I yell less than once a day, sometimes not for a week. I model the correct way to request things, he has sticker charts for speaking nicely and saying I'm sorry right away ( I don't think saying I'm sorry helps, but it does help to de-escalate the situation- sometimes he acts out without realizing and giving him the correct way to respond helps HIM.) I do EVERYTHING for my child and every once in a while I see a little bit of the boy I love until that disappears.
I'm at the end of my rope. I cry myself to sleep at night because I just don't know what to do. The house is a wreck. I have no koach to clean the same mess over and over. I feel like I'm on a mouse wheel and I can't get off. I take care of one thing and turn around and there are 10 more things that need to get done.

Please please only helpful comments and please don't say it's my fault that I don't discipline him better. I've read so many books.
Despite what I expected my little one is so sweet. She literally just wiped away one of my tears. Yes she has her moments but overall she is manageable.

amother

Beige

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 6:48 pm

When my son was four, he gave me a concussion while I was trying to put him to bed. It wasn't the only time he hurt me; just the hardest one. He also once kicked a pregnant teacher in the stomach and she ended up on partial bedrest.

He is also ASD with ADHD features. Get your son a new evaluation. There is either more going on than the SPD, or the SPD is so severe he needs behavioral help anyway. Some kids defy current parenting guidelines; they need very different rules. You may be trying to teach football with a baseball rule book.

Talk to his OT about all of this (make a special appointment so you have time), and ask her for recommendations for the next move. It may be a psychologist/play therapist, or a therapist who works with you to develop a plan, or one who also works with your child. Or the OT may be able to help on her own with a changed/more comprehensive plan.

You're not a bad mom.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 6:50 pm

amother wrote:

See if you can get an increase in services at school and respite care. I feel for you. He seems like he needs some outside therapy, beyond what he's getting now - maybe family therapy with a behavioral specialist? Hugs.

imasinger

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 7:01 pm

You are so so so not a bad mother.

I agree. Get another assessment, get more help, especially behavior therapy (ABA). Parenting classes are useful for two reasons -- first, to give concrete ideas of how to deal with challenging kids, and second, to connect you with a support network of other families, so you don't feel so alone. And consider looking for social skills groups, where your DS can learn along with similarly challenged/challenging peers.

Hugs! We need to be here for each other, because many of us have times where we feel like you do.

It comes from hopelessness and frustration. Once the regression starts disappearing, I'll bet you will find him a lot easier to love.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 7:06 pm

You are not a bad mom.

I know what you mean when you say you hate him . You don't. Really, you love him so much that it hurts. You hate the way he acts. You hate the way he makes you cry. Usually when someone repeatedly hurts you and makes you cry, you DO hate them. Of course you do. They deserve your hate. But in this case, you can't hate them because they are yours. And they need you.

YOU CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS.

Your son is suffering. There is a way to help him. You just haven't found it yet. You need to keep searching. You need to take him to ots and behavioral therapists, family therapists, put him in a special Ed school. Keep talking to people.

I told everyone that I was looking for a behavioral therapist for my son. A random person who's name I don't remember gave me a name and a number. For now she seems to be the messenger to help us.

Do not give up! You will find someone to help you and things will be good.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 7:37 pm

OP, the behaviors are extreme enough that it may be appropriate to consider medication despite his young age. There are milder non stimulant medications now in use that can make a huge difference in his mood and behavioral stability. You whole family is suffering. If I were you, I would consider a consultation with an excellent child psychiatrist. Once that is in place, a good behavior plan with a behaviorally oriented therapist can make a huge difference. Consistency is key.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Sep 12 2016, 10:48 pm

I'm just here to tell you that it's okay to hate your kid. If your husband was abusive, no one would question your feelings, but somehow because we give birth to our children we are expected to love them unconditionally despite all the horrors they put us through.

I hated my son for at least a few years. Obviously I was - like you - a good and patient mom, rewards, sticker charts, consequences lots of " I love you"s and hugs, but I still hated him inside and I came to realize that was an okay response to his harmful comments and behaviors.

Those years seem to be behind us and now we go out and hang out together and he calls me for advice. So don't lose hope but what you're feeling is perfectly fine.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 8:24 am

amother wrote:

Wrong. Not okay to hate your kid. Glad things worked out for you.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 8:42 am

My son went for an evaluation and the therapist said he was one or a combination of these: with autisim, ADHD, ODD, and OCD with major SPD. At age 3. He was absolutely insane, trying to literally kill his siblings, run away from home repeatedly, never made eye contact, etc...He made it very difficult to like him, let alone love him.
Well, when he was 3.5 we found out he had been badly abused by his babysitter and started intensive 3x/w therapy. Two years later, there's no autisim. No ADHD, No ODD, no OCD, and no SPD. He is a completely transformed, normal, sweet, adjusted kid. he has friend. he listens to adults. he cooperates. he eats! tantrums are minimal and at the normal range for his age. he goes to a regular school and has friends and learns easily.
I am not saying your child was abused, but I do want to put that possibility out there.

Also, I wanted to say that at the time, the hardest thing to do was love him. After we found out about the abuse, it was so simple and natural, because we saw his behavior as an expression of desperation due to his pain. Love was his main medicine in his recovery. Even if your child was not abused, you can still think that you are giving him the best medicine to love him.

amother

Denim

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 12:15 pm

amother wrote:

WOW
How did you realise that ....

chani8

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 12:19 pm

amother wrote:

Just OMGosh. All that crazy because he was abused. Thank G-d you found out and he got the help he needs. BH. I also had a child who was nuts until we found out about the abuse and got him therapy for it. My son looked ODD for sure. After 6 weeks of EMDR he was like a new person. I remember thinking, "who is this boy?!" BH. Like you, whenever I hear of a child being violent toward his family, I want to beg them to please check for abuse issues. I am sending you a big thumbs up here for putting your story out there. May there be healing for all the little boys in the frum world who've been molested. There are so many.