Awkward situation | Imamother

amother

Lavender

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 10:16 pm

First, the background: My 4 year old daughter has a friend who lives near us. I've always been friendly with the mother, but we're not super close. My daughter is very clingy and I've always had a hard time getting her to separate from me for playdates. There have been a few times that this friend has invited her over, and my daughter wanted me to stay with her for an extended period of time. When it comes time for me to leave, she is sometimes ok with it, but other times, she either cries and comes home with me or she later has had the mother call me to come back. She's still young and I'm not so concerned about it, especially since she has had several successful playdates with other friends.

Now to the awkward situation: two shabboses ago, this friend came over with her father to invite my daughter for a play date at their house. My daughter said an enthusiastic "yes!" and was very excited to go, but just wanted me to walk her there. I felt awkward walking with her because I'd be alongside her friend's father, so my husband walked her there instead. Of course, as soon as she got there, she became super clingy again and wanted my husband to stay. My husband asked the father, "is ok if I stay with her until she's comfortable?" and the father said "sure, of course". So my daughter held onto my husband's hand as she followed her friend into her friend's room. My husband felt weird about being in the girl's room, but he left the door open and tried his best to get our daughter to warm up. Within five minutes, the girl's mother comes upstairs and very sternly says to my husband, "that's enough! Either it's going to work and you'll leave or it's not going to work and you just both leave! This can't go on any longer!" My husband said that he has never been yelled at like that before and felt very weird about the situation. Obviously, both he and my daughter left.

I waited a couple of days for her to call me to apologize, but she didn't call so I decided to call her to apologize instead. I apologized for my daughter's lack of cooperation in the play date. Once I had her on the phone, she then said that she was thinking about it and "felt badly about how it ended" and also apologized in a way. She also said a few times about how she felt it was "very strange" to have a man in her daughter's room playing with dolls with her daughter. (note that obviously, my husband was not playing dolls with them, but rather trying to point out interesting things to make my daughter warm up a little).

Although I do understand the perspective of feeling rather uncomfortable with a man in your daughter's room, I feel that her reaction was totally inappropriate. Also, since the situation occurred, I'm fairly sure that she has been avoiding me.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I like her daughter and I want my daughter to be friends with her, but I don't think I could ever call her for a play date again. Is it just going to be awkward forever between us now? I wish she were more mature about the situation. My husband and I generally get along with everyone, so this is a whole new experience for us. I think especially with Yom Kippur coming up, we feel very uneasy about the situation.

Any comments or advice?

mommy3b2c

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 10:23 pm

I advise you to stay away from these people. The mom sounds unstable. Your daughter will have other friends.

Ashrei

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 10:37 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I advise you to stay away from these people. The mom sounds unstable. Your daughter will have other friends.

Well, you know, we are all under a lot of stress quite often. We don't know what's going on in their lives - in her life - and maybe she really snapped. We all have our moments, maybe not that bad, but ... close? A little? I think it's proven by the fact that she's avoiding you, how embarrassed she feels. If she were really nutso and unstable it might not go that way, but it takes at least a little self awareness and remorse to be so embarrassed, doesn't it?

I don't encourage pursuing open communication. You might get a better feeling on if she's the type of person you could be like, "listen, I understand, we're all under stress, don't worry about it." If so that would be great, but it's an awful feeling if you try regaining a good-feeling situation and it doesn't work out.

Just think positively about her and them, or do your best to pretend it never happened.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 10:50 pm

When kids are uncomfortable in someone's home when they ARE comfortable in other friend's homes, it means they are picking up on something real. Maybe it is subtle, like a mom with a temper, or a messy house, or maybe it is extreme, like abuse. In any case, your role as a mother is to respect your child's feelings. If they want you there, you should stay. If your neighbor can't respect your child's feelings they she is the one with the problem, not you.

I also understand why she would freak out about your husband being in her daughter's room. She might know someone who was molested. She might have been as a kid. Heck, it could be she is just educated by all the imamother threads! Her yelling seems to me to be a triggered knee-jerk response rather than a thought out one. Her brain screamed "danger" and she wanted to stop it then, without using judgement or rational.

Going forward, I would continue to do what you are doing. Stay with your child. Try to have playdates at your house instead of her's whenever possible. Keep your eyes and ears open. You did nothing wrong and everything right. (although perhaps your husband should have played with them in a more public area with the other father present). It is never good to yell at people, but she was clearly triggered so I wouldn't be angry at her.

cinnabuns

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 10:51 pm

Honestly, if a father of my in the future grown up baby s friends were in the bedroom, I'd also be nervous. You hear all these stories and it's just scary. I think it would be super akward to say "listen I want you out of my child's room bc I think you might have bad intentions". Again, not every person is a bad person but you never know! I'm not saying she was right to yell but I do understand where she is coming from.
And I'm sure your husband is a great guy and safe etc Smile

just not my child's father, and I don't know him.

nywife

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 11:03 pm

I understand where the mother is coming from but I also think there's a way to phrase things. Instead of putting your husband in an awkward spot she could have invited everyone to go to a playroom or the living room or wherevers a little more public. There's no need to yell or make anyone feel stupid.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 11:03 pm

Just to make things clear, I definitely understand being uncomfortable with having a man in your daughter's bedroom. My husband was uncomfortable with it too, but he just didn't know what to do. It obviously would have been better if he said to the friend, "how about we bring some toys downstairs?" or if he said to my daughter, "I'll wait downstairs and let you know before I leave" (it's possible she would have been ok with that, but it's hard to say). There's really no question that he did the wrong thing. But her reaction was completely uncalled for. The door was opened, and the husband was in the house. Why didn't he go up to the room instead of his wife and just ask my husband nicely to come shmooze with him downstairs? We are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt: she is sleep deprived, her kids were screaming and driving her nuts all day, etc. I'm not totally sure that she's avoiding me, but I used to see her every single day at a certain place, and I haven't seen her there since the incident. My husband wants to think that it's just a coincidence - which it very well could be.

I just feel so awkward now. I fear the next time I see her!

amother

Ecru

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 11:12 pm

your daughter needs you both to set limits. If she doesn't want to go in and play, she needs to go home. But I'm sure your dh is totally innocent and wasn't thinking straight. Also, the friends mom was too upfront - no matter what she was really thinking, she should have spoken different.

seeker

Tue, Sep 13 2016, 11:51 pm

amother wrote:

So I was going to say just about exactly this and then I saw someone already did Smile

It is true that the mom reacted inappropriately, but it is also true that we can be understanding and forgiving of someone who does not instantly generate the most appropriate response in an awkward and maybe triggery situation.

However it seems clear that your DD is uncomfortable going to this home so stop chasing after it. Invite the other child to you.

imasinger

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 12:26 am

I wouldn't worry about this too much. If the mom is avoiding you at all, it's just as likely to be because she is embarrassed at having reacted too strongly as anything. The whole thing was awkward for everyone.

If she didn't want your DH in her DD's room, she could have just told her DD to bring the toys out in the first place. Why should that have to be your DH's job?

Let it go. Be friendly, but don't push playdates at her home. Some kids aren't ready to be at someone else's house until they're older. Your DD wlll get more independent as she matures.

I don't see any reason for either you or DD to avoid this friendship, but maybe you want to expand the circle and encourage other friendships too.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 2:08 am

seeker wrote:

So I was going to say just about exactly this and then I saw someone already did Smile

Same here. I think amother Ruby's response was absolutely perfect, word for word.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 7:50 am

Why don't you have this girl over to your house for play dates? Sounds like that would work out better for your daughter.

About what happened--it is awkward. I can see why your husband thought he had no choice and I can see why she panicked at the thought of a man in her daughters room. Maybe she has a history of abuse and over reacted because of that, who knows. It doesn't really matter why she reacted that way. She may have over reacted but as moms I think we can all understand wanting to protect our children. She probably panicked and now seems to feel weird about it too. So maybe have the play dates at your house for now and try there again when your daughter is a little older and more willing to go by herself.

amother

Pink

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:53 am

Delete

Last edited by amother on Tue, Feb 12 2019, 2:14 am; edited 1 time in total

Miri7

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 11:57 am

Yes things will be awkward. She totally overreacted - she may have underlying reasons for being so sensitive. Who knows.

But my question is - where were the girls parents? The mother and father just left your DH there with the girls? They weren't making any effort to engage your daughter so your DH could leave?

If I were to come upon a situation that made me uncomfortable but seemed innocent, I would just stick around. Maybe suggest moving the dolls to the living room or something. As adults we really need to exercise self control even when we are "triggered".

I would avoid having playmates with this girl for a while. If you want to do it later, start by meeting for a play date in the park.

octopus

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 4:02 pm

I wouldn't push for play dates right now either. Even in your own home. We can make up stories in our minds as to why this person has good reason or not to blow something out of proportion, but you also need to protect yourselves as well. If she is avoiding you, then please don't go out of your way to invite this little girl into your home. Let things be. I bet if you would invite to your home, the mom will make up excuse not to send daughter over. Why put yourself in that position again?

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 8:59 pm

Just a side point. Invited a friend for my four year old son on Shabbas. His twelve year old sister brought him and was staying with him whole time. I kept saying just run out he'll be fine but she just stayed. Was so so so so annoying that she stayed with . Was hard for me to deal with other kids and sons friend with sister. Whatever

greenfire

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:05 pm

why push a friendship ... it either comes naturally or not

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 9:27 pm

amother wrote:

Why was it annoying?