HOW DO YOU ALL DO IT?

Roots

Sat, Sep 17 2016, 3:27 pm

thank Gd I just graduated. but ths past year I was a full time student. pregnant and then after birth mother of 3 children now and living in a remote place in northern israel with no help except from Hashem. and some from DH who was in kollel.
no mom. mother in law, cleaning lady etc.

The kids came home every day at 1:30 my husband finished kollel and picked them up and I came home between 3-5:15 depending on the day of the week ( I took a babysitter from 3 and on cuz Dh left).
SO how did I mange?
1) in israel Friday is vaction day so I cooked alot of food for shabbos which lasted till monday - so hot lunches were friday-monday. tuesday was usually something easy , grilled cheese or pasta or pita and chummus wtvr and wednesday I would cook a double portion of the same food and eat it wed and thurs (or tues and wed wtvr)
for dinner - cut up veggies (wtvr we had at home) and a quick omelet (chavita).
2)for laundry:
we have lots of clothes and towels- thats the trick here so I can manage to do laundry once in 2 weeks which is great - do 4 loads in one day and hang them all up (israel remember) and once they are dry fold them at night and sometimes it would stay on the couch, or the hamper wtvr, and I would fold after I lit shabbat candles bec I didnt have time! (my DH said you shouldnt leave it for shabbat bu you can do it if you need the space or wtvr -ask your LR or DH wtvr)
3)daven for help
4)what to do with the kids?
playdates keep them busy they play with all the toys they never do
a loooong bath with toys inside they love it and you can do something meanwhile and constantly check up on them (I used to iron with the ironing board right by the bathroom door,or something like that)
I would send the kids to a friends house sometimes and thats alot of fun for them
5)find a young girl in your area who can come take the kids to the park (or play with them at home) so that you can take a breather and do some housework or rest. im saying young because they have lots of energy and they are really cheap (just check that they r responsible) and there are plenty of girls who are (like 6th grade even).
6)keep telling yourslef and your husband to tell you that you are a superwoman and no one could have amanged all that. I told my DH many times that I dont mind doing everything but I need him to complement me on every thing and that really gives you alot when you are appreciated.

lots and lots of hatzlacha
its manageable but as evryone said. lower your living standards. cooking sould be easy - rice and chicken, potates in the oven,schinzel etc.. not fancy shmancy
and if your little boy wears pink nothing happens..

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Sep 17 2016, 4:11 pm

There are 2 rebbetzins I know of who give shiurim and talk about how they had double-digit amounts of kids, worked full time, took care of the house and woke up at 5am to daven shacharis before the kids woke up, blah blah blah...
I know a bunch of ladies who got real anxiety from trying to emulate these people.

My theory is that either:
1- These ladies do not need any sleep (seriously, who wakes up early to daven after being up all night with a baby?!)
2- They raised their kids in such a haze that now that most are married, they have some kind of amnesia and don't remember it properly.

I don't know a single person who does it all without help. Anyone who works, has kids, clean clothing, a clean house and dinner every day has cleaning help (probably multiple times a week) and additional household help - whether it's a husband with a flexible schedule who does all the laundry and shopping and/or a babysitter who watches the kids and also chops up vegetables.

If you can't do it all, you are 100% normal.
If you think you can do it all, see numbers 1 and 2 above.

Roots

Sat, Sep 17 2016, 4:20 pm

lol. it is possible but its not worth it to strech yourslef so much. once I gave birth and let myslef bring in a babysitter once or twice a week in the evenings for 2-3 hours so that I can do housework or just breath I saw how much it helped me even though there was a price to pay.
I never had any cleaning help and I have 3 children already, so it is possible to survive without

you just have to be more laid back if you want to manage it all and be super creative about what to eat and what to do.

amother

Red

Sat, Sep 17 2016, 8:27 pm

amother wrote:

What is the secret to having energy and being functional that I seemed to miss out on? .

I noticed that certain foods shlep me down and other foods energize me. Look up raw food diet, if you are interested.

DH and children eat a ''western diet'' and they are ok with it. I, on the other hand, cannot function on processed food. It literally puts me to sleep.

I give my body the best fuel I can find (raw, live, fresh food) and b''h it works for me.

I cook for my family, and though I'm tempted to eat the cooked food I know how exhausted I'll be if I eat it, so I avoid it.

Also, it's possible your nervous system is all tangled up and your energy pathways may be blocked.

saw50st8

Sat, Sep 17 2016, 10:42 pm

amother wrote:

I work full time and so does my husband. I come home exhausted. I have no energy for supper, for the kids, for anything. We have no money for babysitting or cleaning help as we both make very little.

I am falling apart and look at all these mothers who are so calm and together and work full time. Everyone around me works as nurses, speech therapists, etc and also has a long day at work. They are all pleasant and happy and able to watch their kids, keep house clean, and keep their life functioning.

What is the secret to having energy and being functional that I seemed to miss out on? I feel like I need to work part time due to my difficulty, yet so many others are able to do it that I feel guillty.

OP, there really isn't a secret. The closest thing I have to a secret is a late day cup of coffee!

amother

Emerald

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 12:16 am

Many of you seem like superwomen.
I'm wondering for most of you, where your husbands are in the picture.

I work part time from home. My kids are in school. I suffer from chronic fatigue so just reading all the things people do makes me tired and guilty. I wish I can do more, and I probably should be able to but am so weak.

I try to keep the house clean as much as possible but I do have 7-8 hours of cleaning help weekly. I cook hot meals 2-3 times a week, plus Shabbos, but otherwise it's pizza or some other takeout. I try to do homework with my kids, but by the time I need to bathe them and put them to sleep, I am beyond exhausted. I barely manage to tuck them in nevermind read a story. I'm embarrassed to say but I do skip baths a lot. Meaning they bathe every second day instead of every day. My husband is not home in the evenings and works a demanding job into the late night, so I do the morning rush of getting the kids off to school as well. I do all the appointments, most of the errands and shopping. But I don't have toddler or baby, I don't work full time, and yet I fall apart.
I'm trying out different things to get my energy levels up but because many people still associate chronic fatigue with laziness or just complaining, it's not like it's a very researched topic with an instant solution available.

amother

Orchid

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 1:46 am

amother wrote:

My kids don't bathe every day either. It's more like twice a week unless they are particularly smelly or got really dirty (played with mud, wet the bed). I know many families that the kids bathe on Monday and Thursday or there's some rotation, which I also do. Two kids one day, two kids the next night. If they all go in the tub together may as well on the same night.

amother

Black

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 3:34 am

amother wrote:

Well I have several kids and I make arrangements for late hours where they go to school and then I pick them up after my work. And dinner is ready because it's already made - I cook Sunday for the whole week. It goes in the freezer. Every night is a different hot meal. And no my husband isn't home to help either. I do the homework with my kids too. I guess I have more energy than other people. I do all the laundry too. And all the cleaning on the weekend.

What do you do with your kids while you are doing all that cooking and cleaning on sundays?

Roots

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 4:29 am

I also wanted to say that financially if you cut down on some things, you can save up for others. and have some extra spending money to get a babysitter or cleaning ldy here and there.
1)clothing. I mentioend that we have many clothes. that is because BH I got to know the second hand clothes world. clothes that r in almost new condition, you cant even tell that its second hand its at most 1/2 price, usually less. I started buying my kids lots of second hand, almost eveerything besides tights and underwear.
and then I started buying for myself and its no bad, its actually great. you can buy like 5 things for $20 etc.
I buy alot through the website thredup.com and then there are second hand clothes and sales and lots of pl who r looking to get rid of clothes for free. that saves me tonz

also, I buy lots of clothes on black friday weekend for all of us for the wholeyear!

2) books. especially childrens books. buy used books. near my house I have a book store the seller sells me each for 5-10nis a book, a huge saving!

some toys can be purchased second hand in great quality.

its small things but it can save up some desperately needed money for cleaning help for you

amother

Orchid

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 4:36 am

Roots wrote:

If we didn't buy second-hand or accept hand me downs, everyone would be wearing the same clothes every day. When we do buy new, it's at low-priced stores. But for me second hand clothing is to stay in budget more than to create extra money for babysitting. It's just what we have to do to not go in debt.

But you can get really, really nice clothes second hand, some of which still have tags on for 2 -5 nis per item. I've gotten my kids really nice clothes and shoes over the years. But I guess that's getting into finances, which is a separate topic.

someone

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 5:58 am

OP, when you figure this one out let me know. I am a WAHM, I work all morning and evening after the kids are asleep and I have a baby with me at home. And I live in Israel so we don't have a Sunday, and I sometimes work Friday mornings as well. I can usually manage to stay on top of the day to day stuff (although its also hard and involves staying up late or getting up at the crack of dawn) but I have a hard time getting to all the heavy cleaning, or anything beyond the regular household chores.
My husband does the shopping and takes kids to appointments. That makes a really big difference.
I think that really, there is no magic formula, no one can do it all, we all just choose what our priorities are and do what is most important to us. And that's OK. Hashem doesn't expect us to do more than we can, and we shouldn't expect it from ourselves either.