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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Other side wants to make wedding closer to where they live
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 12:38 am
My DD is getting married to a boy that lives 5 hours away driving.
The other side would like to make the chasunah somewhere in the middle because they have elderly parents that cant travel well.
I have relatives that I am very close to that will not come because they have to get up for work at 4 a.m. and some that wont drive far.
So what do I do? I want to be the nice guy but I do want my relatives at the wedding.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 12:46 am
First, mazel tov!

It's wonderful that you are being flexible. That's very kind.

No wedding is convenient for everyone. The place, time, etc. will be difficult for some guests no matter what.

The thing is to remember that a young couple is getting married, and that is a joyous event. Everything else is secondary.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 1:10 am
Who is paying for the wedding? If you are, you're entitled to make the wedding close to home. If you're splitting the costs relatively evenly, it would be fair to make the wedding somewhere in the middle.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 4:25 am
I hate to point this out, but your relatives aren't that close to you if they won't find a way to come to your child's wedding. that doesn't ring true.

certainly the boys grandparents ability to attend the wedding has to be considered but are they really not able to travel the additional 2 hours.

If this is truly a case of they are too elderly to travel that much, then yes, you should probably extend yourselves to help make that happen. Your relatives inability to take off of work is not a reason to deny grandparents like that.

It sounds like this might not be a simple story though.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 4:57 am
The only people, IMO, who should be taken into consideration are the chattan and kallah, parents and grandparents. It would be lovely to have every relative you feel close to attend, but if they don't feel that drive is worth it, then you are probably not that close.
You are all mature adults, I'm sure you can figure out a location that works for the 6-14 people who are most important in this scenario.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 5:19 am
I think somewhere in the middle is very fair and the correct thing to do.
We just had a wedding where the girl was from up north in Israel and the boy was from the jerualem area. It was hard to find a place in between but they did. And both families ordered buses for people to come to the wedding who did not want to drive for 2 plus hours.
Is that a possibility? Or to stay near the wedding area already the night before?
There are always ways to get around things.
And I agree with ivory, if a relative is not willing to drive for a CLOSE relative's wedding, Im not sure they are so close.
I remember my wedding. we had relatives who drove 4 hours to and then 4 hours home to be there. Just pointing that out.
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 5:28 am
Op you are the girls side and you do have a right to say no. It's nice to be flexibe but at what expense? At least in the yeshivish circles its expected that wedding is in kallahs town. You Can say I would love to accommodate but my family members wouldn't show up to wedding if I make it three hours away.

Plus for the kallah it is so inconvenient having to travel day of your own wedding and having to find someone to do hair and makeup Not in your town.

As long as you are accommodating In other areas you don't have to do this.

Obviously kallah goes first so is she okay with traveling day of her wedding?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 6:17 am
I have a friend who had a similar story, except she had both the elderly grandparents AND the long travel time.

She wasn't asking for the location to be changed. Just the time of the wedding, so that it could be early on a Sunday afternoon, and people who had to travel, plus elderly grandparents, could get home before 3 am.

Kallah's family refused to change.

It was a little frustrating and hurtful, but in the end, the simcha still was wonderful.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 6:26 am
imasinger wrote:
I have a friend who had a similar story, except she had both the elderly grandparents AND the long travel time.

She wasn't asking for the location to be changed. Just the time of the wedding, so that it could be early on a Sunday afternoon, and people who had to travel, plus elderly grandparents, could get home before 3 am.

Kallah's family refused to change.

It was a little frustrating and hurtful, but in the end, the simcha still was wonderful.


sunday weddings are often a lot more expensive.

In this case moving the wedding makes it inconvenient for everyone to come, not just half the people. For the elderly relatives, they would probably be more comfortable checking into a hotel room.

Also, newsflash!! You do not have to stay till the end of the wedding. I was at a relatives wedding recently and some cousins came in (a 3 hour train journey) just for the kabbalos panim and chuppa. They had to leave before the dinner to catch the last train. Everyone was happy.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 7:23 am
The two hour difference may very well be the difference between getting home that night and having to stay over in a hotel, which is a real challenge for some elderly people.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 8:39 am
Is there a hotel nearby either location where people can stay overnight?
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 8:50 am
amother wrote:
Op you are the girls side and you do have a right to say no. It's nice to be flexibe but at what expense? At least in the yeshivish circles its expected that wedding is in kallahs town. You Can say I would love to accommodate but my family members wouldn't show up to wedding if I make it three hours away.

Plus for the kallah it is so inconvenient having to travel day of your own wedding and having to find someone to do hair and makeup Not in your town.

As long as you are accommodating In other areas you don't have to do this.

Obviously kallah goes first so is she okay with traveling day of her wedding?


In the yeshivish circles it's expected, but it's not always done. These days especially, so many people are making weddings in Lakewood, often both the chosson and Kallah don't live here. They do it because it's usually much cheaper, and very often most of their family lives in the tri-state area, so it's easier not to have to put everybody up.

I traveled a couple of hours for my wedding, even though we had comparable wedding halls where we lived. They let me make the decision, but it made it much easier for certain people that were very important to me, so I agreed even though other people I wanted to have would miss the wedding. It wasn't so bad at all.

Like other people have said, in a functional family, the parents and grandparents and siblings are the most important people to have at your wedding. Anyone else who doesn't care enough to inconvenience themselves is obviously not as close as you think they are.
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 8:56 am
Often elderly people have a very hard time traveling and are not flexible about leaving their own beds.

The most important people to take into account are the choson and kallah. How do they feel about this?

It's hard for a kallah to travel on her wedding day and make appointments in a place she is not familiar with. It is not as hard for the chosson (no hair or make up appointments, etc).

They likely both want their relatives there and both want the other one to be happy so are they willing to be flexible with this?

If so it would be really nice if you can accomodate the other side. A two hour travel difference is a BIG deal for elderly people and the grandparents shouldn't have to miss their grandsons wedding.

Alternatively, if this cannot work can you offer to make the shabbos sheva brachos there for the grandparents? You still making it if that was the plan but giving over the second biggest party to their side even that that is usually the girls side?

I got married half way between. I didn't want to. my parents chose to because it was cheaper. It was nice that it was easier for my inlaws and some of my family as well and I chose to focus on that. I also stayed at a hotel the night before my wedding to cut out the travel time. It was hard having appointments in a place I was not familiar with but I got great referrals and was really happy. Some people didn't show up but they were far from the most important to me. The important people made the effort.

Good luck and mazal tov!
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 10:06 am
For those saying that family will come if they're really close - that's not always possible.

My little brother recently got married out of town on a 5+ hour flight. All the siblings flew without their spouses and kids as they were just able to afford their own ticket. I was the only one who didn't go. I didn't have the funds for a ticket for myself. My grandparents are elderly and cannot travel so they didn't go as well.

When the name was suggested that was the first thing my parents thought about. And they decided to proceed and knew that not all immediate family and no extended family will come.

I still feel it's the Kallah's parents that make the decision. If they're able to accommodate and it's not too much of a tircha, and won't cost them more then it would be wonderful. If it won't work for the Kallah's side then the Chosson's parents need to be understanding.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 10:15 am
Raisin wrote:
sunday weddings are often a lot more expensive.
Not always. My wedding was at noon and was much less expensive than otherwise would have been. And we did the afternoon davka so that people out of state, but a drive, not a plane ride away, would be able to come. And they did. They were able to leave their homes in the morning and get home before too late as well.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 10:22 am
I would accommodate with a cheerful face (not so that they know you are unhappy), this will PG be the beginning of a lifetime relationship with these people why not start it as positively as possible. Long after the wedding day is over having a good relationship will be so much more important.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 1:44 pm
I think that for grandparents it is worthwhile to make the wedding closer to them.

What a wonderful message you will teaching your daughter on the importance of respect for the elders. It will certainly be a sacrifice, but one that will IYH be worthwhile.
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justmarried




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 2:41 pm
I think the main person to consider is the kallah. She will want all her friends, classmates and relatives to come to the wedding. I might travel for someone who I'm extremely close with. But 2-3 hours for a classmate? No way. And not even all relatives. People have busy lives and can't always get away.

As nice as it is if the grandparents come, they are not the guest of honor. How will the kallah feel if she barely has people dancing at her wedding - but yay grandma is there.

In my circles, the wedding is almost always where the kallah lives. If a boy does a shidduch with someone who lives elsewhere he prob knows right off the bat that the weddibg will be there. It doesn't make sense to inconvenience all the guests and make everyone travel.
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5*Mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 3:30 pm
justmarried wrote:
I think the main person to consider is the kallah. She will want all her friends, classmates and relatives to come to the wedding. ... As nice as it is if the grandparents come, they are not the guest of honor.

This seems to be a popularly held opinion on this thread but I have to vehemently disagree. Not a single one of us would be on this earth if not for our ancestors who have come before us and, directly or indirectly, brought us into this world. A wedding most definitely is about grandparents, much more so than friends and other relatives. After having lived a long life dedicated to their offspring, grandparents have at least earned the right to have the nachas of seeing their descendants building batei neeman b'Yisrael. I think it is cruel and ungrateful and lacking in perspective to deny this nachas to elderly grandparents, or make them choose between missing their grandchild's wedding or possibly endangering their health, for reasons to do with dancing friends or hair and make-up.

OP I'm not minimizing the difficulty this will present to you. It's not an easy situation to be in because making a wedding even close by is complicated enough. And it may well be a disappointment to the kallah, who has probably been imagining her wedding with all her dancing friends for most of her life. But I really, REALLY think it's the right thing to do.

If you still don't know what to do, imagine yourself in 40 years when these children of yours are marrying off their child to an out-of-towner who lives too far for you to travel...

Mazal tov and enjoy the simcha wherever it takes place!
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2016, 4:00 pm
I would wonder why the kallah is more important than the class and in terms of who attends. I understand she had a lot more in terms of getting ready, and if her parents are making most of the wedding, it's easier if it's near them. But I see no reason why the kallah having her friends and local family is more important than the class and having his friends and family.

I think so much has to do with how those wedding is being made. If it's two to three hours from your home, you shouldn't be the ones in charge of all the logistics. Instead, things should be more shared. Also, as an OOT person, we have found buses to new useful for friends and sometimes relatives. We set up a bus from where most friends and relatives were, and they could sleep on the way home, plus it was free.
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