I don't want my daughter to be friends with her.

amother

Gold

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 5:49 pm

DD is 8 and in 3rd grade. She has a friend who is awful - cries constantly, causes drama, whines, and has some disgusting behaviors to boot. I'd like them to grow apart a bit - DD is starting to imitate some of these behaviors. The issue is that the mother and I are very good friends, and we live in a small town. Not sure what to do here. The kid seems to be Getting worse, not better, as she gets older. Thoughts?

imasinger

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 5:55 pm

As a mother if difficult children, this pains me.

Can't you suggest a parenting class to your friend?

If you must, the best strategy is to encourage friendships between your DD and other girls, and just be busy when playdates are proposed.

Anything too forceful, and you risk backlash from your DD.

amother

Gold

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 6:01 pm

imasinger wrote:

I believe that suggesting a parenting class is hugely tactless.

imasinger

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 9:03 pm

Not if you can phrase it right. One possibility:

"I heard about this amazing parenting class that meets at X. I wish like anything I could arrange to take it, I hear it's really helpful for all parents. Can I at least share the info with you, my friend? Maybe you can go and take notes for me?"

musicmom

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 10:33 pm

At that age can't you just have a conversation with your daughter about why these behaviors are not admirable? They can still be friends.

amother

Gold

Sun, Sep 18 2016, 10:55 pm

musicmom wrote:

At that age can't you just have a conversation with your daughter about why these behaviors are not admirable? They can still be friends.

I have done this. I'm hoping it will have an impact, and that she realizes that she can emulate the good qualities of this child, not the troublesome ones.

amother

Blue

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 11:21 am

I have also (b"H successfully) brought DD6's attention to inappropriate/rude/insensitive behaviors in other children and allowed the friendships, with great results. DD is exceptionally intuitive, sensitive and principled, so this worked. I even though saw improvement in the friends. You have to know DD though.

Fox

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 12:26 pm

This situation is really a goldmine. You can teach your DD several lessons at once:

* People who don't behave nicely (however you define that in the moment) have a problem, nebuch. They either can't control themselves or perhaps they were never taught that it's unpleasant when they do X, Y, or Z.

* It's possible to be friends with people even if we don't approve of everything they do. We just have to make sure that we don't unconsciously imitate them.

* Kids mature at different rates, and sometimes it's frustrating to have a friend who is less mature than others her age.

If you're getting a whiff of patronizing pity in this, that's precisely correct. The goal is to enable your own DD to see that she can aspire to a higher standard of behavior without dramatically cutting people out of her life who don't meet your/her standards.

Now here's the mussar that I wish someone had given me 25 years ago:

When it comes to kids, past performance is no guarantee of future results. Looking back over my children's friends, I can easily think of at least 10 who were utter hellions . . . yet grew up to be incredibly level-headed, yiras Shemayim people. I can also think of several little tzaddiks who have not lived up to their potential, to put it mildly.

Frankly, I'm very embarrassed that I discouraged some of my kids' friendships. Oh, I didn't do anything crazy or forbid them from being friends. But my kids definitely knew my feelings. In some cases, I was correct at a particular point in time. But I wasn't approaching it with the right attitude.

Just remember the power of midda keneged midda. If you regard the friend or her family with thin-lipped disapproval, you are putting in motion the forces that will cause someone to think that way of you and your DD.

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 3:03 pm

And sometimes a mom feels the friendship isn't good for the child, and even the best explanations don't help with imitation. Smile