How to handle teenage daughter

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 5:40 am

ill try to keep this short. my dd of almost 14 has never been an easy child. sees things very negatively, always complaining, nothing is good enough. is the oldest, doesn't lift a finger. makes a lot of mess. annoys her siblings and very disrespectful to dh and me. I think I could write a book of all the shiurim and therapists I've been to. I try to ignore the issue. tried complimenting her, etc. she literally treats us like ...

she went to camp in the summer and I was a different person. a weight got lifted off my shoulder. the kids were happier, in general it was a home that I had envisioned all those yrs ago. the week she came back everything went back how it was before.

the good news is she has a good name. very smiley and bubbly to the outside world, very conscientious of what ppl think of her. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I am sending her to therapy which is costing me a fortune but unfortunately I don't see any results. this is the 3rd therapists she's been to.

pls advice.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 5:53 am

I don't know if this is possible for you, but one thing that helped my daughter was staying at the grandparents for a week or two of vacation. Having a break from my nagging, tension, attention, siblings etc and just being the apple of the grandparents eyes for a while.

The other thing is I encouraged her very much to tell me when something bothered her. It was hard at first to listen to her go on and on about what she thought DH or I had done wrong, but eventually the venting got less and she felt more trusting that we would listen if something bothered her and hence fewer blowups. Of course, we did not tolerate chutzpah. Anything she wanted to communicate had to be said respectfully. Sometimes we would leave the Shabbat table just me and her and then meant ignoring the other kids for 10 minutes while she vented, but it got better with time.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 6:02 am

unfortunately it isn't an option for her to sleep by grandparents. and telling me what bothers her is unfortunately no issue either. she is constantly telling me what bothers her
* our house how its old and too small
* being the oldest (even though ironically she doesn't help)
* too many kids
* always comparing comparing comparing.

I give her so much attention its almost like the other kids don't exist. I don't want to do that anymore

amother

Cerise

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 6:30 am

Don't think I'm being condescending, I speak from experience. Does she get this way when tired and/or hungry?

When I saw a mood coming on with a similar child, I'd casually take out some food. Eating and drinking made a huge difference. (She's thin, not an emotional eater. She just gets difficult when hungry.)

5*Mom

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 6:57 am

amother wrote:

she is constantly telling me what bothers her
* our house how its old and too small
* being the oldest (even though ironically she doesn't help)
* too many kids
* always comparing comparing comparing.

I give her so much attention its almost like the other kids don't exist. I don't want to do that anymore

Can you mentally detach a bit and listen and nod when she goes through her litany of complaints without taking it personally or feeling like you have to fix or change things to make her happy? If you're feeling especially brave, you can even commiserate with some of her complaints, like, "Yeah, I'd love a bigger house too." "I know, being the oldest sometimes feels like a lot of pressure." "Having a big family can be fun but it can be loud/messy/overwhelming too." You get the idea. It might help her to feel heard. But even if it doesn't, it will definitely help you to detach from her negativity.

I have an oldest teen so I can relate. Wink

For me, teen negativity was triggering all my own insecurities. You gotta deal with that. Look over your life. Are there things that should be better that you have control over to fix and change? Even if not instant, if you are working on those things you are alright. If there are things she complains about that just can't or shouldn't be changed, that aren't terrible but just a part of life (we can't all have big, beautiful houses and new shoes whenever we like and we don't get to choose our family or our parents' family size) then you're alright. She can learn to accept this as a part of life. Acknowledge her feelings but don't get sucked into the vortex. It *is* easier said than done but this is the life's work of the parent of teens and it will be to your ultimate benefit and your family's as well.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 7:03 am

thank you I really needed this. it does get too much for me and (I had to smile reading ur reassurances) cause I do try to be empathetic. I guess when its combined w her chutzpah and general lack of help along with her complaints, its kinda hard from me to be understanding. I guess ignoring (sort of) is the key.

5*Mom

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 7:07 am

amother wrote:

Not ignoring - detaching. Ignoring creates emotional distance and that will make the problem worse. Pretend she's someone else's child, complaining about someone else's family and someone else's parenting, not yours. It's easier to access compassion when we don't feel defensive.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:28 am

"Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" is my go-to book!

I also have a negative DD, and it is worse when her anxiety is in high gear.

Listen to the problem.
Empathize with the emotions expressed.
Ask her how SHE would fix it.
Ask her to be realistic.

Realize that you do not own her problems. Empower her to change what she can, and then walk away.

This sounds super easy, but you really need to read the whole book to understand exactly how it works. My DD loves this method, and she's very proud of herself when she solves her own problems (even though a half hour whining melt down preceded it.)

I always follow up with "I know you were very upset about XYZ, and you did a great job of figuring out what to do. I didn't try to fix your problem, because I knew you would come up with the best ideas on your own." (or some variation of that.)

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:47 am

I was just reading an article on Shabbos in one of the recent Mishpacha FF's by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, about the difficult child - and one thing she said is that some kids are born with a more difficult personality, and it's important to accept that it's not their fault - Hashem gave it to them, and they may struggle with it all their lives. Your teen, with her negativity, and conscientiousness, is probably suffering more than you'll ever know. As good as you are and as supportive a parent as you try to be, she is suffering from herself. It's gonna be her job to figure herself out and make a life for herself. The best you can do is love her, accept her, and support her as best you can. You can't focus on her exclusively and ignore everyone else, you can't create a perfect world for her (right size house, right place of birth in the family, right amount of kids that she would like, etc...), but you also can't ignore her. Know that Hashem gave her her struggles, she was created for a purpose, and she has a job to do and a life to live. You can only do your best.

Fox

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 11:59 am

Outstanding advice from 5*Mom, FF, and Chayalle.

I'll reiterate what 5*Mom said about not allowing her complaints to trigger your own insecurities (did I actually use the word "trigger"? Ugh!).

Smart, tough kids have an unerring instinct for our soft underbellies. And what girls can do to their mothers with a single word or look? Oy!

Constantly remind yourself that you're the grownup, and you don't have to respond emotionally to whatever complaints your DD has. I often refer to the old joke, "How do you get your mother's goat? You find out where it's tied." The only way to survive parenthood is to make sure they don't find out where you keep your goat tied. And if they do, you have to move that goat!

I'll also add that, IME, 12-15 is the worst time for difficult kids. They often strain at the bit of childhood, but aren't even close to adulthood yet.

Whew! I better quit before I introduce any more livestock analogies.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 7:04 pm

amother wrote:

I am the oldest in my family and I remember having the first 3 exact complaints. A good response might be- I know our house, lifestyle etc is not exactly the way you like it, but I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have to make it as great as I can. When you are just a little older, you will hopefully build your own life, have your own house, kids etc and you will have the opportunity to do it your way.