Did your parents help out AT ALL

amother

Mint

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 7:51 am

for the first few years of marriage, did your parents help by giving money, paying bills (rent, college tuition, car insurance, health insurance etc) taking you shopping, giving you groceries, being a free babysitter, paying for plane tickets (to visit them) and such? I hear so many people claim to do everything without help, but then they talk about how their parents pay for their vacations and clothing! I'm curious what everyone else considers "help".
Btw, there is no judgement here I am just curious.

DrMom

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:00 am

No. Nor did we expect them to.

They generously paid for our wedding, though.

They paid for our undergraduate educations (before marriage). We paid for/earned fellowships for our graduate/professional degrees.

We are financially independent.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:04 am

So after I got married, my parents helped out a little. A few months after I got married my car broke down and I had to get a new one. My dad surprised us and gave me $2k toward the down payment of my car, to help us get our monthly payment down. That was a very nice and unexpected gift. A year later when I gave birth, my mother paid for the doula I used ($700-$800 I think), which we couldn't afford at the time. Plus she helped buy some of the food for the Bris and got us baby clothing she found on sale. About a year later we bought a house and I was able to get an interest free loan from my parents for the down payment. I do make a payment every month back to my parents for the loan.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:39 am

My parents paid for seminary, my wedding, and undergraduate degree (a few thousand a year because I had a scholarship) and I am so grateful for that. They taught me to be independent which is invaluable. I bought my own car using my savings from working summers throughout the years, I got a job ,worked part time throughout undergrad + grad school to pay for my own expenses. Neither my parents or my in laws have given us Money after we got married (other than a nice $100 gift for a birthday...) and neither of them babysit that much. They all work. Would never occur to me to ask them for money as I think they struggle with paying their own bills. If they offered it, I probably wouldn't even take it at this point.

Volunteer

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:52 am

DrMom wrote:

same here

amother

Yellow

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:58 am

We are married a year and a half. I consider us to be financially independent.

My parents kept me on the family phone and health insurance plan- and I remburse them in cash (they have good plan), but sometimes my dad says that its fine and I should keep the money.
And when I needed therapy and had a tight month and was going to skip that month because of finances my parents paid for it - I didn't ask they offered when my mom found out that I didn't go that month because of money.

We do go to them for shabbos, and my grandmother sometimes offers to take me shopping which is really nice. When we got married both my parents and in laws gave us a cash gift of 25,000 each towards a down payment (we both added our savings to that)

amother

Brown

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:00 am

Really very little during the first years of marriage. They paid for our wedding (actually some of the wedding I paid for out of my bas mitzva gifts) - and my seminary fees and I guess my husbands parents supported him while he was in yeshiva. When our first baby (a girl) was born each set of parents gave us a few items of clothing and my mother and mil came to help for a few days each. We bought our own stroller, borrowed a crib. The only money my parents gave us was to pay for us to fly home for a siblings wedding during our shana rishona. No birthday gifts except like $20 from my mother. Of course we were always welcome to come for yom tov.

More recently they have given us money eg when we made a bar mitzva, or I was sick. But we were on our own pretty much the first few years.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:01 am

No, nothing.

For our wedding, I paid for my own gown (rented for a night), we got married in a tzedakah hall so the hall and food was low, and my parents did pay $3,000 toward that. Dh used his camp money that he had saved to pay for flowers, band and photographer. MIL may have given him some money toward it.

Took out student loans to go to school.

In laws have given $250-$500 toward grandchildren's simchas (bris, Kiddush etc.). I don't call this "helping out" because it was always unexpected and lovely, but we never counted on it.

We had a beautiful fairy tale perfect wedding, and being independent of our parents has been a huge bracha for us.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:03 am

My parents paid for my wedding and for my bachelors degree. They also gave me some money for my masters. They have us $700 a month for the first two years of our marriage, as did my I laws. This covered our rent which was $1400. They also bought us groceries and my mom would take me shopping and pay for all my clothing.

When my oldest was born, my parents paid for the Bris, shamim Zachor and vach nacht. They also bought the full layette, and all other baby items that I needed. My mother and mother in law bought most of my kids clothing for the next few years. My parents also paid my cell phone bill. (And still do although my father keeps saying he is going to kick me off his plan.)

My parents continued to help with necessities until we were on our feet.

My parents also gave me their car a few years ago. (Unfortunately I lost in sandy.)

Since we have become financially independent, my parents continue to give us gifts whenever they see fit.

Such as:
$1000 with the birth of each of my children
Money towards my kids daycamp
Paying for gowns, hair, makeup for all my siblings weddings
Random gifts such as linen sets, shabbos tablecloths, or the like.
Sometimes they give me money towards a yom tov gift for the kids such as fancy yarmulkes, pajamas, or spring jackets for the kids.

I'm sure I left out many things.

Bh, I am so grateful for my wonderful parents. I love them so much!

nicole81

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:04 am

In my first marriage, we paid for everything, including the wedding, but my mother graciously paid for my undergraduate degree beyond what was covered by scholarships and financial aid. This was the most valuable gift I could have ever received, as because of this education I was able to receive a fellowship for a masters degree, begin a great career which then helped me pay for another graduate degree, and has BH allowed me to live a relatively financially comfortable life.

For my second wedding, my mother was so happy I found a great guy that she contributed towards half the cost of the hall. And my in-laws have generously given money to pay for my stepson's bar mitzvah lessons.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:22 am

Quote:

Also this. Also, when we were expecting for the first time, the in laws offered to pay for baby furniture, and told us to put it on their card. So we went and bought a good quality crib and a dresser/changing table that was convertible to maximize multiple usability later on. And afterward found out they meant something much cheaper... After that confusion, we decided not to take anything for large gifts, though it was rarely offered (maybe for the same reason). It was better for the relationship that way. Though they did comment many years later that the furniture was lasting well and a good investment.

I should also add that my parents continued to pay for my undergrad even after I was married, which was great of them. I didn't expect it.

Chayalle

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:35 am

My parents paid for my wedding, and set me up with furniture, kitchenware, linen, etc....After that, we have been financially independent, though here and there my parents surprised me with a gift - sometimes $$ for clothing, presents at Chanukah for my kids, etc.....when I bought my house, I needed to put in a new kitchen and my father offered me 50% of the cost, and he also loaned me the other 50%. I also hosted my parents for many years for Yomim Tovim, and my father always helped out with costs.

ETA: I paid for my own education, even before I got married. Summer jobs paid for college and most of seminary.

Last edited by Chayalle on Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:40 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Slategray

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:36 am

My parents payed for my education throughout the years, paid for my wedding together with my inlaws.
I pitched in to help with the cost of shaitel and clothing.
My father has made it known that he will fund both me and dh if and when we pursue further education (we come from a very right wing community but education is important to him)
My parents have helped us with a down payment for a house.
Otherwise we are completely independent b"h. I would never dream of asking or wanting anybody to pay my bills, take me shopping, etc.
My siblings help babysit from time to time.
when my first baby was born my mother gave me all her baby paraphernalia that was gathering dust in our garage.
we did not buy anything new.
My inlaws sent me baby clothing that was enough until she was a year old.
My grandmother bought me some furniture. we were really really close.
To me this list sounds long and amazing. I am so grateful to everybody for everything.
Sadly where I come from a girl getting this much will say that her parents hardly help her. Sad

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:49 am

amother wrote:

We are married a year and a half. I consider us to be financially independent.

....When we got married both my parents and in laws gave us a cash gift of 25,000 each towards a down payment (we both added our savings to that)

I'm really happy for you, though I think this is the kind of thing that confuses the op. Getting $50k towards a house is not what everyone would consider independent. Perhaps we need to define terms here.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 10:06 am

My parents paid for wedding in takana hall. I paid for my gown hair and make up (my parents paid for all my sisters and sisters in law hair and make up. I'm guessing they meant to pay for mine too but didn't as an over sight). Both sets of parents helped set up apt (beds, second hand dining room set and linen) but I paid for the rest. I was on my parents cell phone plan for a while but I'm not anymore and I took out loans to pay for college. My mother planned on getting me all that I needed when I had a baby but then she wasn't there so I got it all myself. I think she babysat for me once in the past year for about an hour. I'd say we're financially independent.