Did your parents help out AT ALL

browser

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 4:39 pm

I know nobody asked here but I think someone once implied that a lot of frum couples are babied and not encouraged to be self sufficient.
I think it's partially because we promote marriage almost above all else. Frum parents push marriage and family over career and financial independence. So it only makes sense that a lot of couples would not be financially self sufficient when they are first married.

sourstix

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 4:53 pm

My parents gave some money towards my wedding and that's as far as it goes. Sometimes they give me gifts here and there. But nothing to ride home about. Just gifts here and there. No support. My in laws help and support me a lot. Dh grandparents gave us a house. And I am greatful for that. hashem is so kind to me about that. It's important to remember that my parents are wonderful people support is not their thing.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 5:11 pm

I think it's interesting that only those being fully supported or close to it are posting about how much they love their parents and how grateful they are to them. It's like the rest of us have nothing to be grateful for lol.

I also remembered some gifts I got from grandparents totalling close to $10,000 after cashing out bonds. That money is in savings to go towards a down payment. It's incredibly generous and I always appreciated it but I wont call that support because it was made up a few gifts (graduating, engagement, etc) and has not been used for regular bills.

amother

Beige

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 5:16 pm

My non-Jewish parents paid for our wedding.

When I became pregnant with our first, my father insisted on giving us $ because I think he was terrified that I wouldn't get my graduate degree. When I refused the $ he just began direct depositing it into a bank account that I had had since high school.

It was really helpful and greatly reduced our student loan debt. In laws have us some money toward down payment and an interest free loan for more of the down payment.

My in laws like to take the kids and grandkids on nice but not lavish vacations. DH's siblings couldn't afford to pay their own way, so in laws insist on paying for everyone so the others don't feel like a charity case.

My family lives far away and DH and I can only buy plane tickets to visit once a year, so my parents insist on buying one trip a year so we visit more.

We truly appreciate our families' generosity and hope to do the same for our kids, BH.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 6:19 pm

I am married for 2.5 years, husband in school, and we are fully supported.
My parents - paid for wedding and setting up apartment with furniture, paid for my baby's Bris, an expensive carriage and car seat, they babysit every day, and buy occasional clothes for my baby as well.

My In laws - pay half our rent every month, give us a credit card for groceries, utilities, and household expenses, and are now giving us nearly 500k towards a house. They are very giving, generous people and we are very grateful- we get more than anyone else we know. They also bought my husband a car when he was single, and pay for his car insurance and cellphone

We pay half the rent, health insurance, my car lease and car insurance, daycare, and all my business expenses
My husband is a full time college student, and I have a thriving business but it is under 2 years old and I still have large business expenses every quarter, which is why we still need the parental support without a second income. My in laws also gave us 16k to help with business related credit card bills, and my husbands grandmother gives nice gifts for every yomtov and baby, so far amounting to appx 15k over 2 years.

amother

Linen

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 6:32 pm

My parents paid for my graduate degree and my husbands parents did the same for him. They each gave us $100,000 toward the down payment on our first home. They continue to fund our children's college savings plans and give us a size able amount from a trust fund distribution once a year. This makes it possible for us to pay tuition and other expenses during the year. We are both working at well paying jobs and expect to do the same for our children when they are in college and marry. Our parents have graduate degrees and are high earning professionals and have brought us up to do the same.

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 8:54 pm

Yes, my parents helped. For specific things...
They:
Paid for the wedding, along with my in-laws, but we cut corners with gemach silk flowers and a cheap hall, etc.
Paid for my car when I started college (3 years before I was married).
Paid for undergraduate and graduate school for me.
Paid for 75% of our BASIC living expenses during the married years of my education. It was so nice of them. (yes, my husband was learning). No, not new/fancy clothes, I mean they gave a set amount that we used for things like rent, gas and food...
Then they officially stopped helping. But they still give some modest money for birthdays and bought bonds for the kids when they were born.
They gifted us the full amount of the down payment on our house. They are so awesome!!!

We paid for simchas ourselves. We budgeted ourselves. Barely anyone spent money on our furniture... we took a bunch of really old things gathering dust in my parent's basement and used it. We are still using that old furniture 13 years later. We shop at thrift stores for clothes. I have bought 2 sheitels total in 13 years. No cleaning help, no vacations.

We were supported for a few years and then got the down payment on the house, but we were expected to live like people who used 80% other people's money. We didn't blow money on styles and cleaning help - and don't now.

Other than the down payment, we have been on our own for 9 years.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:18 pm

Yes, lots.

They paid for our wedding. Split the costs with in-laws, who went cheap on everything they could.

They paid for my undergraduate education, which continued after I got married.

They paid for part of my graduate education, the part that wasn't covered by Stafford loans. Now that I've graduated, they are paying the loans.

They supported us fully for the first 3 years of marriage while my husband was in kollel and college.

They help us out with large gifts at simchos and before yom tov.

Now their situation is not as stable as it used to be due to them getting older, and we are still struggling, so my siblings help us out, which is amazing of them and if they are on here, know that I appreciate everything you do for us!

mommy3b2c

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 9:41 pm

Wow to all of those who got $50,000 or $100,000 or $500,000 !!!!!! towards a down payment. I bh have amazing parents and in laws who have given us what amounts to tens of thousands over the last 10 years, but to get that much money for a down payment!!! I can't wrap my head around it. Thay really sets you up for financial stability. My husband bh makes a nice living but between paying back debt from his businesses and all of life's many expenses, and the fact that we want to settle in Brooklyn, saving enough for a house is really tough. IH I'm sure my parents will lend me about $15000 or so when I find a house, (if I need it) but those amounts are just amazing.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 10:07 pm

nothing .... and I didn't expect it since I knew they were struggling at the time.

problem was .... shortly after we were married I discovered that dh owed a lot of money and so, we were struggling too. I even asked my parents if they could reimburse me for the cost of something that I paid for for our wedding that parents of the kallah would normally pay for. I felt bad asking them but dh suggested it and so I did. (They sent me a check)

From time to time they gave gifts. Paid for our crib, some medical bills and now they are able to give generously when my kids have birthdays or for chanukah. I'm happy that my parents are not struggling now but I do resent hearing how it's "expected" and the norm that parents should help out married kids. It really shouldn't be like that in my opinion.

amother

Coffee

Mon, Sep 19 2016, 11:12 pm

We got lots of help, which is very much appreciated. I'm chassidish and it is fairly standard for the wedding cost to be divided between the 2 sides. (That's what happens when you marry a teenager who never worked). My parents and in laws also paid our rent for the first year. My in laws gave for a little bit longer. Bh they are wealthy. My parents are comfortable, but not rich at all.

Growing up, everyone I know got these things. I did appreciate it, but probably not as much as I should have. It was just seen as the norm. (There are of course exceptions, not everyone gets that) besides for the wedding, they also paid to paint, scrape and set up my apartment. And for all the furniture, kitchen stuff...again this is the norm where I come from. It's considered part of the wedding expenses.

The rest of the monetary help I got is not standard. We got money for a nice vacht nacht/Bris, as well as a carriage and crib for the first baby (both sides chipped in). My parents give us some money for yom tov. Usually $200-$300 about 3 times a year. This is a lot of money for them (they give all of their kids) and very appreciated. My parents also buy the grandchildren birthday presents, Chanukah presents and afikomen presents. Its so nice and I think it really helps the kids bond with them.

My in laws give a few thousand dollars for yom tov at least twice a year. They give it to all of their children. (It's a big family) It definitely adds to simchas yom tov. These are gifts that they generously and happily gave to their children - I never had to ask. Although we are managing with our every day expenses, the extra money is definitely a help. They recently gave a few thousand for a bungalow as well.

We are married about 10 years and starting to look to buy a house. Prices in Boro park are astronomical. I'm hoping to get $200,000 toward a down payment from them (as all of my husbands sibling got.) Although I need to come up with way more just to afford a floor here. They usually give some money to help start a business as well, but we didn't get to that yet.

Reading what I wrote above it sounds like I should be swimming in money. But we still live very tight. Hopefully one day...

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:21 am

amother wrote:

I should clarify that the downpayment gift was for an inexpensive house. We live in a much much cheaper place than NY. Houses on the east coast and NY in particular are a whole nother ball game... that's not what I was referring to. oh, how I love OOT!!

My grandmother helped us with a down payment but because we bought out of town it amounted to about $15000. To help with a down payment in NY would have been unthinkable!

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:05 am

No help.
Wedding, we cut corners as much as possible, including my mother not coming in more than a week early to help BC of work. Baby, my mother came in for 4 days and left. No gifts. we make it a priority to visit family so we do. (Both of us are from oot)
Bh things aren't tight and we're doing OK. We're both from 'lower middle class' backgrounds, so it's not like I'm coming with expectations..

amother

Coral

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 5:49 am

amother wrote:

for the first few years of marriage, did your parents help by giving money, paying bills (rent, college tuition, car insurance, health insurance etc) taking you shopping, giving you groceries, being a free babysitter, paying for plane tickets (to visit them) and such? I hear so many people claim to do everything without help, but then they talk about how their parents pay for their vacations and clothing! I'm curious what everyone else considers "help".
Btw, there is no judgement here I am just curious.

No. My parents were dead by the time I married so I didn't get financial assistance.

amother

Smokey

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 6:27 am

Our parents did not help out regularly.

However, we have received loans from one set of parents several times when we needed the help.
On several occasions this set of parents also decided to distribute sums of money among their children evenly. I know they have given loans to other siblings as well, they believe in giving their children equally, I have a feeling some of these cash gifts were their way of waiving the debt other siblings had incurred.
So yes, when we were in difficult situations we had someone to turn to. But we did not rely on this help, and would probably have survived otherwise - but it was a great help and I am very grateful to them. I am still grateful for a large sum of money we received from them recently as an equal cash gift (which I suspect was given because other siblings were suffering financial hardship), it's great that it's not crucial to our budget so we have that for future savings.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 7:22 am

yes a lot bh!
wouldn't be were we are without them.
they paid for all my education through undergrad and my beautiful wedding
Set up my apt with furniture and linens and such, then gave us money towards essentials the first few years while my dh was in medical school and I was still finishing up school (and having babies)
my parents continuously give to us with open arms and a smile on their face.
I'm not talking about a house, or a paid vacation, or a car, but my mother will surprise me and my kids with new outfits, costume jewelry, whenever they go to costco or wtvr they always call me and ask me what I need, my mother is also extremely gracious with her time, will always babysit when she is available.

bh we are very lucky. I try to have as much hakaras hatov I can, I try to help out with my grandmother and give my mother a break as much as I can, I try to send over baked goodies, or fresh soup that I know my mother really appreciates.

my parents are bh wonderful- thank you for making me realize!