Did your parents help out AT ALL

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ora_43

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 8:00 am

browser wrote:

I know nobody asked here but I think someone once implied that a lot of frum couples are babied and not encouraged to be self sufficient.
I think it's partially because we promote marriage almost above all else. Frum parents push marriage and family over career and financial independence. So it only makes sense that a lot of couples would not be financially self sufficient when they are first married.

Also, because frum people tend to marry younger, you have to be sure to compare like to like - ie, frum 21-year-olds to not-frum 21-year-olds, not frum newlyweds to not-frum newlyweds.

Most people I know, frum and not, got fairly significant financial help from their parents at around age 21, and were financially independent by age 26 or so. (rough estimates)

(significant financial help, as in, significant to the 21-year-old who would otherwise be living off minimum wage, not, like, getting thousands of dollars a month. although most ppl I knew outside the frum world did get thousands of dollars a month at age 21, in the form of college tuition).

amother

Brunette

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 8:00 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Wow to all of those who got $50,000 or $100,000 or $500,000 !!!!!! towards a down payment. I bh have amazing parents and in laws who have given us what amounts to tens of thousands over the last 10 years, but to get that much money for a down payment!!! I can't wrap my head around it. Thay really sets you up for financial stability. My husband bh makes a nice living but between paying back debt from his businesses and all of life's many expenses, and the fact that we want to settle in Brooklyn, saving enough for a house is really tough. IH I'm sure my parents will lend me about $15000 or so when I find a house, (if I need it) but those amounts are just amazing.

My mother gave us each $50,000. She had that money from my father's life insurance policy. He died when we were all really young and she used that money to pay for our weddings, bar mitzvahs, sleep away camp and down payments. My grandparents paid for college.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 8:07 am

My parents: not much. Help with college (which the federal government expects anyway). A contribution towards the wedding. Occasional gifts, nothing huge.

His parents: Very little at all, but he inherited some money when one set of his grandparents died, which we used towards the downpayment on our house. His other grandmother has also given us (and the other grandkids) periodic gifts because she believes in giving her money now.

We've always supported ourselves for day to day expenses.

Neither of us has frum parents.

gande

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 10:11 am

I used all my savings for my wedding and we are paying our own college. My parents think their generous when they let us come for shabbos so we get free food. And guess what with 4 kids close in age, our future looks good iyh. Surprise! don't need to be helped in order to make it. You need to know your priorities is life and take responsibility.

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 10:33 am

ora_43 wrote:

But most 21 year olds are not having multiple kids. If they were the parents would most likely put their foot down about helping. It's pretty much a given in the secular world that you don't have kids till you're financially independent.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 10:36 am

We are 100% financial independent - but my parents and in-laws are very generous (especially considering their financial situation) with gifts. It doesn't mean we couldn't do it without them, it is very nice of them and makes us feel very loved. I hope to do it for my own kids one day.

- We bought our own home when newly married, had the down payment and could very much afford the monthly payments (small, cheaper, home.). My parents last minute gifted us a nice amount toward a larger down payment and my in-laws loaned us a large amount toward a larger down payment (which we paid back within 5 years). It was a huge help for us and I know it stretched them both a lot. Besides for our monthly payments being smaller, we just refinanced 12 years later and the amount we were able to pull out was huge and will be a tremendous help now.

- They contribute, especially in the beginning for big expenses - our car needed 1k worth of work within the first few months of marriage, my mother paid our first 3 months rent.

- When baby is born help pay for bris (if applicable) and $100 toward baby gear plus some stretches.

- Money to help with the extra yom tov expenses.

- My grandmother bought my bedroom set, my parents and myself my dining room set, my in-laws bought our couch.

- My parents paid for my BA - which is the greatest gift because it supports me today - and bought me my first car (a great solid clunker Smile

) when I got my first job when single. It lasted me for my first few years of marriage.

- My mother tries to give her ma'aser money toward my kids' building fund and dinner fund.

- Many other gifts and contributions toward expenses over the years.

mo5

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 10:41 am

amother wrote:

Possibly, but a lot of them are very dependent on their parents for childcare, school pickups, evening babysitting, looking after kids instead of sending to daycare etc. and I am friends with many non- religious mums; a lot more than I see amongst my frum friends, where there is a greater expectation that you can manage that yourself.

Many of them have parents who give them a financial start too- down payment or similar.

ora_43

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 11:38 am

amother wrote:

That's a different issue.

Pinny

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 11:54 am

I paid for my entire wedding, and shaitels gown Sheva brachos clothes and half the furniture. My in laws felt bad so paid for the rest of the furniture. We were promised help and never received it so we have been pretty much independent of our parents besides for big purchases. After our baby my mother bought all his clothes and paid for the bris and Shalom zachor and his furniture. my in laws bought him a carriage. Now that he is a few months and up to new wardrobe and next size, my mother bought all his weekday clothes and my mother in law bought him his yom tov clothes. O - and both parents pay for our cars but we pay the insurance. I think we are pretty independent - iyH hope to be even more independent by the next child.

GreenEyes26

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:18 pm

Am I the only one who doesn't consider paying for the wedding "help"? I might be wrong, but I was under the impression that in most Jewish circles - especially ones where the kids are very young (and I include MO in this, early 20's is young, you're not earning a lot yet and are probably still in school) the parents split the cost of the wedding, unless they really can't afford it. In my own extended in-law family the kallahs paid for some things for the wedding themselves, especially if they wanted something special beyond the basics, but that's purely a cost reason.

I don't know, I don't think having your parents pay for your wedding is considered abnormal. I would consider those young adults who pay for their own weddings the exception, not the rule.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:27 pm

GreenEyes26 wrote:

Ha. in an ideal world.

but not all parents actually saved money to marry off their children. (sometimes its not their choice.. no matter how hard they worked..)

so.. some of us pay for our own expenses
(I actually know more ppl then u think who paid their way.. for whtvr reason. or their inlaws paid for everything)

HonesttoGod

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:38 pm

GreenEyes26 wrote:

I was thinking the same.
There are some extra things I wanted for my wedding (such as nice earrings, fancy shoes, more clothing etc) that I paid for myself but my parents gave me the basics - hall, flowers, music etc if I am not mistaken they split it 50/50 with my in laws.

amother

Olive

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:49 pm

amother wrote:

This my dh not my inlaws paid for flop

amother

Lavender

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:49 pm

My father hasn't supported me in any way since I graduated from college when I was 21. He did pay for all my schooling till then, including private university, so that was a major, major thing. I never expected it or needed it as I thankfully always had work. He paid for a portion of my wedding, along with my in-laws (I paid for my dress, hair/makeup and makeup for my friends and sister/MIL/stepmother and a few other things like the invitations)

My dad is very comfortable and he helps in small ways which I always appreciate (once in awhile he pays for our car rental when we visit. When I needed an emergency root canal while visiting him, he paid for that, which was very sweet).

My in-laws are a very different story. They help us a huge amount. They are, to put it bluntly, very wealthy. We've never asked them for money or help. We would have paid for our own wedding (and had a very small wedding!) but they paid for a huge portion of it (and expected it to be a big wedding, which it was). They told us when we were engaged that they would give us X amount of money per month for 5 years. My husband and I talked about refusing it but instead are accepting that money so my husband can complete a PhD (he has a fellowship, but it's meager like most fellowships). I work full time but in a field that isn't incredibly high paying. We never asked for or expected it, and would have made different decisions if his parents hadn't offered that financial help. Their help is letting us go to school and have children and start our lives with much more flexibility than we otherwise would have. It's an amazing bracha that we don't take lightly. This sounds callous but when I once expressed to my MIL that I was uncomfortable accepting the support for her, she said something to the effect of "this isn't taking food out of our mouths." They obviously give far more to charity than they give to us and their other children.

My in-laws also lent us the money to buy our house. Again, not something we would have expected and didn't ask for, but they offered when we saw a certain house was on the market at a good price/size and were considering applying for a mortgage through a bank. So they hold the mortgage to our house and we make monthly mortgage payments to them. They gave us an incredibly low interest rate and by having a private mortgage we avoided having to pay for mortgage insurance and other fees which saves us money. In about 5 years, we will refinance it with a bank. My in-laws also hold the mortgage for my husband's aunt's house. They make a small amount of interest on money that they would have otherwise invested in a very conservative CD.

When they go on family vacations and invite us, we usually pay for our airfare (plus kids) but share their accommodations (we couldn't afford to go otherwise). We would never expect to be included or paid for, but if they are renting a large house or a hotel room for us and invite us, we are happy to join them.

My husband and I know we won't ever be able to give the same degree of support to our children based on our likely incomes (my in-laws have incredibly successful businesses that we don't have the talent or ability to replicate and also had some pure luck with investing) so we try to save and invest our money very carefully.

Edited to add: I don't want to sound as though I think I'm more deserving of this kind of help because we didn't ask for it. I didn't put that in to sound virtuous. It's the result of my husband's family having access to resources over a long period of time.

I know many people struggle and need help from their parents or others who can't help or won't help and that is hard. Many others can feel self-assured that they have created their lives entirely on their own doing. I would overall prefer living in a society where everyone is guaranteed a base standard of decent living and equal access to opportunities than one in which some people have access to resources and others don't. But at least we have a strong tradition of tzedakah to help equalize things to some degree.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 12:59 pm

I am the first op who received $50,000 which was an amazing gift! I said I consider myself to be independent.

I want to clarify a bit. We live in israel, both my inlaws and parents had about $30,000 put away in saving to marry us of. I was 21, in college (paid for myself as I did for seminary) my dh was 25 in yeshiva. They gave us the sum and allowed us to decide how we want to spend it.

We made a very very simple wedding bought good quality appliances (in israel apartments don't come with appliances) and put the money towards a down payment. My grandfather bought my husband a shas, his grandmother bought me a ring and a pretty but inexpensive necklace, and my other grandmother bought us good mattresses and candelsticks - we didn';t need all the gifts but it was so nice to get them.
We used our wedding cash gifts to pay the lawyer, mortgage broker, and real estate agent. And to live for the first month because I wasn't being payed (I started a new job right after).

In the long run this is a bigger financial boost for us then having my parents pay for college because of the real estate realities of israel (in the year and a half we own our apartment the value went up by 75,000 NIS) and because even with a degree it takes a long time (if ever) to make a decent salary in my field.We are so grateful.

We could have been immature and had blown all the cash on a fancy wedding, fancy gifts, and I could have waited for a more enjoyable job(I took the first one I got)

As a side point I work in real estate and most secular Israeli's get help from their parents putting together a down payment( you need to put down 30%) or the just rent for the rest of their life unless you qualify for מחיר למתכן which we don't because my husband learns.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 1:11 pm

Pinny wrote:

u told ur in laws u were paying not your parents? (no judgement, im just curious how they knw)

Pinny

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:06 pm

[/quoteu told ur in laws u were paying not your parents? (no judgement, im just curious how they knw)
Sorry to clarify - I paid for everything the girls side pays for and my in laws paid whatever they were supposed to pay. I don't even think my in laws know I was the one who paid for the wedding - I think they think my mother paid for it - which works for me...
I hadn't worked for the money I received it as an inheritance and my mother wouldn't be able to afford to marry me off otherwise.
I did pay and used money I earned over the years I was single for housewares and many other items. But the bulk of the expenses was paid for from this inheritance. And no we do not receive monthly stipends - only big purchases and they usually come from my mother not my in laws (who just btw are overly comfortable).
All those whose in laws /parents do help and feel they don't deserve it - please appreciate every penny. I am speaking as someone who doesn't have a lot of money but enough to cover expenses(just just) yet my in laws begrudgingly give us a present or two here and there. On the other hand - my mother does not have a lot of money but gives happily whatever she can when we need. I honestly find that in most cases of parents helping out it comes from them wanting to help not the kids needing the funds. Most of my friends parents /in laws do help them happily because they want to give to their children. They don't hoard their money for them to take to the grave.....
Sorry for rambling this is an issue that bothers me LOL

amother

Bronze

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 10:31 am

Pinny wrote:

I paid for my entire wedding, and shaitels gown Sheva brachos clothes and half the furniture. My in laws felt bad so paid for the rest of the furniture.

Pinny wrote:

so who did they feel bad for?

I also paid for my furniture and lots of other stuff. my in laws dont know tho

Pinny

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 1:36 pm

amother wrote:

so who did they feel bad for?

I also paid for my furniture and lots of other stuff. my in laws dont know tho

They felt bad that my "mother" was paying for everything (with my money) and they didn't pay for anything so they paid for half the furniture. They only decided to pay as we all went to the store together to choose peices...

It works for me - I happen to think I'm in a better place than most because I don't rely on them for funds. If I ever needed I would never ask them (even though they have loads and loads of $) I would turn to my mother (who doesn't have lots but has enough).

amother

Bronze

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 2:19 pm

Pinny wrote:

got it

I didnt register the part abt them paying for the OTHER half..

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