How do mothers keep a job?

amother

Apricot

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 1:45 pm

Before my kids were born I had a career. I took years off to raise my kids. I returned to work p/t about a year and a half ago because my kids are all in school and frankly I could use the extra income and a little stimulation outside the house.

Okay, so since I still am responsible to drive my kids to and from school every day (no bus, no carpool, no nanny) that leaves me a very specific window of hours to work. I could not return to previous career. In the end I am working for my husband in his office. Which is great because it gives me flexibility. But there is so much else that comes up that I get frustrated about not being able to put in the hours I would like to in order to really be on top of things (and maximize pay - I'm hourly now).

If a kid is sick, I miss work to stay home. If a kid has a dentist appointment, I miss work to take them. If the dishwasher repairman is coming sometime between 9-2, well there goes that day. And I cannot do errands at night because DH doesn't do so well alone with all the kids and to go out after they are all asleep is too late. So I have to take a few hours to pick up groceries, dry cleaning, swing by the bank or whatever. DH isn't going to take time off for any of this, nor do I expect him to.

It just leaves me wondering how anyone with kids and no nanny keeps a job. If not for the fact that I work for my husband I am sure I'd be fired.

musicmom

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 1:51 pm

I use vacation time to schedule things around the house. I put it in my calendar in advance and that makes me feel a little better. If kids need shots it also has to happen on those days. I have to find doctors with after work hours appointments. I don' t think you ever can do everything but it is commendable that you put your family and home life first.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:11 pm

It's a little easier for me because I have an only child, but I understand the dilemma. I also made big changes in my career - from full-time-plus to very limited hours during school - for the same reasons. No nanny, no car pool, just me.

In general, I don't take my child out of school for routine appointments. We do eye doctor, dentist, etc after school or as late in the day as possible. Well-child checkups are in the evening. Fortunately, she is rarely sick so I don't miss much time for that reason.

For years I had about 15-20 minutes leeway after work before school pickup, so that's when I would grab the groceries at the store on the way to school. Depending on the ages and quantity of your children, it may be more or less desirable to stop on the way home from school for the bank and dry cleaner and so on. I shop very frequently; short fast shopping runs work best when you are on a tight schedule or have kids with you.

For household appointments and my own health care, I have found it very helpful to schedule a day or half-day off (monthly or quarterly or whatever suits your needs at work and home) to take care of everything at once. For the occasional emergency, well, that means time off from work, unfortunately.

With a little bit of extended-hours child care at school, I have been able to expand my work hours and responsibilities until I had a substantial part-time job with benefits. It is possible, but may require making career choices you did not imagine prior to parenthood.

Anon because of everyone who has seen me sprinting through the supermarket checkout in the afternoons...

LiLIsraeli

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:20 pm

It's really hard. I'm surprise I haven't been fired yet. I work two jobs and while one is really not flexible, the other one is. I can bring a sick kid and have them relax in my office chair; I've brought kids on days in between camp and school, and I can come in and leave whenever I want as long as the work is getting done.

Not sure what I would do if I had a conflict with my other job.

amother

Olive

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:22 pm

I'm a WAHM, but I see what those who work outside the home do.

Children's appointments get done on Sundays or evenings.

Major grocery orders get delivered in the evening. Dry cleaners pick up and deliver. Pharmacies deliver. Amazon is amazing.

When there are two parents working full time then usually one parent has a slightly more flexible schedule. That parent can either take off more easily or work from home or bring a child with them to work as necessary. That parent is not always the mother. Sometimes they just take turns staying home with sick children.

Often two parents working full time have trusted cleaning help to deal with the household needs. If they need to schedule repairmen or deliveries then they do so for when the help is in the house anyway. That's what my in laws do.

OP, your husband can't have it both ways. If you need to work to bring in more income then he needs to step it up at home so it can work. If running errands in the evening is what would make life simpler then he either needs to run those errands or watch the kids so you can. They are his children as much as yours and he should learn how to handle them.

btdivorcedmom

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:24 pm

It's really hard. I don't have flexible schedule, in my field it's not possible. I work crazy hours, decreasing hours not an option in my field. I don't have a nanny, I can't afford one. When I get home at night, I do dinner/homework/bedtime, so there is really no time for errands during the week. I run all errands on Sunday. I make a list of what needs to be done for the week to come, and that's how it gets done. Sundays become just as bad as weekdays in a way, but we do have Shabbos build into the system, so that's the time to rest. If something pops up during the week that's not urgent, we wait until Sunday, everyone just learns to adjust their expectations. I also utilize Amazon a lot, with 2 day shipping or even same day shipping , Prime membership is well worth it and pays for itself really fast. We try to utilize frum services for all repair matters, because they are usually able to accommodate you on Sunday. I choose doctors/dentists that are open late hours and Sundays. Of course emergencies always happen. If a kid unexpectedly wakes up with a fever, or you are called to pick up from school because they are throwing up, or you need to take them to a specialist that's only working Monday 12-4, you pick up and go. As long as you don't do it often, and act professionally, it's understood that all humans can have emergencies sometimes. If situation like this arises, we somehow work it out between myself, DH, and my mom (both of whom also work full time with non-flexible schedule).

mha3484

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:32 pm

I am way lucky that I work 9-5 close to home and have a reasonable boss. The downside is that I could make more money elsewhere but at this stage I need this time with my kids. DH has the flexible schedule so he is in charge of certain apts for our kids but I make them at times that give him a large span of time to get his work done. One kid goes first thing Monday mornings so he gets the whole day after and the other kid goes in the afternoons at 4pm so those days he can work all morning. After I take my older child to school, I use that half an hour before work for personal calls, bills etc. I also use lunch time for those things too. I have strangely turned into a morning person and am learning how to use that time to do more things at home.

Some things that I do that help are having a Ped with great hours. There are plenty of things I dont care for but this is one reason I stay. I make all well visits for Sunday mornings and there are two sets of walk in hours for sick kids. I am careful to find medical practitioners that have early hours. DS went to the dentist this past summer at 8 am and the eye dr next month offered me the same time. Why should he have to miss school? It shows me that the drs value DS's time as well as mine by not being 9-5.

I split my errands between Sundays and one week night and am in love with amazon prime and prime now. I hope with this new school year to use my Sunday mornings that my older child has school to do a lot of that kind of stuff so we can do a fun activity in the afternoon.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:33 pm

My scheduling is similar to Dodger Blue. But I'm also a salaried employee with excellent benefits and leave time. My husband also has a salaried job with benefits and leave so we can switch off if necessary for a Drs apt or a childs sick day. My kids are seldom sick so it's not a big issue. Neither of us are burdened by long commutes. We have a cleaning person once a month, but most of the work is done by hubby and I and after work hours. The children are 10, 13, 15 and go to public school. After school they have their Hebrew lessons, etc. When they were younger both our jobs permitted flex time and some telecommuting so there was also that flexibility available to us as well.

lfab

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:38 pm

Working out of the house as a mother is certainly not easy, but very doable. A lot of it is in your attitude and expectations. If you treat your job and working hours as non-negotiable, they way you treat your husband's job, then you simply learn to work around it.
This is how we do it: Doctor and dentist appointments are done on Sunday, after work/school, or on my days off (I work in a public school so I know my schedule in advance and get several decent breaks). Errands are done on Sundays, either with kids in tow or I take a few and DH stays home with the others. Repair people, etc. again done after work or on my days off (again, since I work in a school this is doable as I'm home at a reasonable hour). If really necessary my DH can be available in the mornings for a short time if someone has to come to the house for something and can only do it in the mornings. Grocery shopping I do once a week in the evening after kids are in bed (kids are still young so they go to bed by 7ish) or sometimes I leave as soon as DH gets home and he puts them to bed.
The hardest part, for me at least, is when kids are sick and need to stay home from school. Right now my husband's job is more flexible than mine so he'll usually stay home with them in the mornings, then bring them to the drop off babysitter we use for our youngest to stay for a couple of hours till I get home (she's really nice and lets me send them since their old enough to know to stay away from the little ones) It's not really a great system and doesn't work for if a kid is really sick (ie. throwing up, has strep...) but only if they are under the weather a little, running a low grade fever type of sick. We're still looking for a better solution for this area.

Miri7

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 3:57 pm

Go through your list of errands and figure out how to streamline. I switched our bank to the one in my office building, but still mostly do online banking. Cleaners switched to the place that picks up and delivers. I will schedule on day off work far in advance to do checkups with pediatrician and dentist and do them all at once. I use the pediatrician that has sick drop in appoitnments from 7:30-8:30am.

I order all clothes online. I can drop off returns at the copy and mail store by work. Try to do grocery shopping in one trip per week with a second quick stop for produce. We got a second fridge for this purpose (and for chagim).

I look forward at the calendar to see what we will need in the coming weeks and order ahead (soccer cleats, sunblock for upcoming trip). Planning ahead is crucial.

We are also fanatical about hand washing in the hopes that we stay healthier.

But things do still come up...

cbsp

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 10:37 pm

I'm wondering if anyone following this thread has special needs (or outside the norm needs) kids.

There aren't enough hours to the day to schedule therapies etc outside of normal working hours. (The therapy place one kid goes to very helpfully has Saturday hours but not Friday or Sunday).

Additionally, what with working around yomim tovim and short Fridays, when a specialist says they have an opening Thursday at 11am in 3 or 4 months and there's no religious conflict I take the appointment. There's not much choice.

btdivorcedmom

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 12:04 am

cbsp wrote:

I have a child who had to be in therapy up until this year. I had to hire someone to pick him up twice a week from school, and drop off at therapy. Either myself or DH would then pick him up from therapy on the way from work. We also do some extracurricular activities. We've been lucky in that whatever my kids do, there are usually several other kids from the neighborhood that are also enrolled in the same activities, so I arranged with those parents that they drop off, and we pick up.

Completely agree that Shabbos and YT makes all of this even more difficult. I use up most of my paid time off for YTs, so when kids are in between camp and school, I usually can't even take time off.

moonstone

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 6:04 am

Your DH can't handle being alone with all the kids? I've seen other women express this on this board, and I can't understand it. Isn't he their father? Why can't a father take care of his kids once in a while so the wife can go out? I really can't wrap my head around this attitude. Tell him you need to run errands, so he'll have to take care of HIS kids for a few hours. Don't ask him- tell him.

amother

Red

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 8:33 am

its really hard.
and when you find a good solution and answer, please let the rest of us know.
my sister always tells me "being a mother and having a job works about 75% of the time the other 25% your running around and wondering why in the world do you work"

I was in school when I had my kids, so I was choosing my career, and looked down the road and im like how in the world will I be X if I already have 3 kids, a husband whos never home (medical school) and no help?
so I chose to be a teacher in a yeshiva. its not always what I imagined for myself, but its on my kids schedule.

but as far as appointments? I have no idea. some how it gets done.

eschaya

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 8:58 am

Like JustForFun, I work night shift specifically for this purpose (as soon as the kids are old enough I'd love to move to days). But even so, I work appointments around my work schedule, not vice versa as you (op) appear to do. So kids doctor/dentist appointments are scheduled during holidays/off days, and other intermittant appointments I make sure to schedule on days and at times when I'm not at work. b'H my kids are pretty healthy (thank You Hashem), but on the very rare occasions when someone is really sick, I use my vacation time since I'm not wasting it on appointments or other unnecessary breaks.
Yah, but in my case it's night shift that makes it possible. I hate doing it, but if I have to stay up after a shift to do something important, I just suffer through it.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 11:39 am

moonstone wrote:

It's not so much that he can't/ wont do it. It's just how things go when I'm not here. I come home to kids up past their bedtime and a big mess. Which equals grumpy, tired kids the next day and grumpy tired mommy who had to stay up doing extra cleaning. Not worth it. DH loves spending time with the kids and gives them lots of attention and love; he just wont ever be the disciplinarian. Sad

amother

Blush

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 11:56 am

Where I am the doctors are all 9-5 or worse... Some start later and end earlier. Dentists, pediatricians, my docs... If you want care any other time go to urgent care with $100 copay. And won't help anyways for routine dr appointments, teeth cleaning or anything dental really.

I am trying to find a job but nervous how it will work out. Besides that the frum day cares are only open until 4 or 4:30.... We don't all work in schools!!!