Question about marriages between litvish girl and chassid?

amother

Green

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:16 pm

I saw a beautifully done wedding video on facebook advertised on the photographers page. It was of a girl with modern orthodox parents and a chassidish guy with shtremiel kapote and everything. I'm sure it's not common for this to happen, and, I was just wondering what brings a girl to marry a guy who is totally different than her parents and the community she grew up in? Or if its the parents who chose, how does it happen that they marry off a daughter to a totally different lifestyle than the one she grew up in? If it's a girl marrying a chassidish guy, then she has to take all these restrictions on herself, for example, I doubt that women drive in this kind of community, go to college or have their kids go to college, etc. Why would a girl knowingly choose a lifestyle where she has to take all these chumras on herself? It's different than someone becoming a BT because you could be frum and still go to college, drive cars, and not wear double covering- wig and hat, and still be religious. Respectfully asking.

dimyona

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:21 pm

Not all chassidim keep these strict chumrahs. Being chassidish, as in wearing a shtreimel, is often a communal/cultural thing, and the strictness of observance isn't really related to that. I have many chassidish friends and relatives that are more "modern" than most yeshivish people I know.

If the couple likes each other, these cultural differences don't have to be a huge issue. The woman's lifestyle and level of observance will not have to change much.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:30 pm

My mom did it (married a chossid coming from a litvish home), and it was a disaster for her. She knew about things like levush (she drove and continued driving, I don't think it was such a big deal back then, many chassidish women drove if they needed to, and she is college educated with a high level job.) Instead of dating, they had sit-ins (beshaus), but they had 10 instead of 2.

But she had no idea about all the subtle nuances and the rigidity of the system. Things like the denier of your tights, what color tights, socks vs. tights... Hechsherim (all of a sudden she found out that the OU was considered 'barely kosher' in her new circles), a mind boggling amount of minhagim (some with no historic basis)...

Had she known what it really entailed, no way she would have done it. As it is we were raised with one foot in the litvish world, one foot in the chassidish world - my sisters and I went to BY schools, don't know Yiddish beyond a smattering of words and phrases, drive, went to college and dress according to non-chassidic standards. We all married litvish boys. My brothers wear chassidish levush, went to chassidish cheders, and have a mostly chassidish mentality. They all married chassidish or heimish girls. It was really confusing growing up like this, and there is an enormous culture gap between my sisters-in-law and my sisters.

But regarding your post, there are many different levels of chassidish, and if a boy is marrying a MO girl he is probably a lot more open minded. There are a significant number of chassidish women who drive and are college educated, and wearing a shtreimel doesn't mean that all the chumros come along with it.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:44 pm

I come from a JPF/heimishe background. One of my sisters - BY and college educated, drives, etc...married her DH who is ex/modern-chassidish. She was already in her mid-20's and found the Litvishe shidduch system to be tough, and had not yet met her basherte. A coworker of hers suggested him, they shidduch-dated (NOT chassidish style), and married. I can't say my parents were thrilled with the shidduch, but were happy for her to meet her basherte and to marry her off....

Though she's basically happily married, there have been plenty of struggles - cultural differences and expectations, a degree of lack of acceptance from his Chassidish siblings, and now, struggles getting her kids into schools, as schools are reluctant to accept kids who don't quite fit the mold.

I worry about her because her husband seems to be headed toward shedding alot of frum practices while she is the same BY/JPF girl she always was. Hope they can work all of this out.

I wouldn't consider such a shidduch for my daughters - too many differences. too much to deal with.

out-of-towner

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 2:44 pm

I am from an open minded Litvish background, and I married a self-made Chassid. He and I actually come from similar backgrounds, and although I was educated in the Litvish system and he came from the more Chassidic perspective of Torah and Avoda, we actually balance each other out well. He wears the Livush, which has taken me time to get used to, but he doesn't expect me to do things that I am uncomfortable with. However, we dont belong to a specific Chassidus, and we don't live in an exclusivily Chassidish enclave, so that makes a difference.

First Lady

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 3:20 pm

OP, it works both ways. If he marries a non-Chassidish girl, he is not the typical chassidish boy and he will therefore not be looking for his wife to take on any additional Chumrahs.

And the Chumras you mentioned are really only among the ultra Chassidish. Even among Satmar girls, there are women slowly going to college, and women who drive. So I imagine a Chassidish boy marrying this girl, will not be interested in her taking on Chumras that are on the more ultra end of the spectrum, which many middle road Chassidim do not practice.

And btw a shtreimel and Kapote, mean nothing. It's just a cultural headgear, that's all. It has no bearing or significance on the wife's dress code, or the Chumras they practice.

amother

Rose

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:11 pm

My mother, from a real litvish home, married a full fledged chassid and committed to the complete lifestyle. It happens, and b'h we have a happy family.

Of course there are those that are ex or modern chassidish but it happens even by regular chassidim, especially if the boy is older. Obviously they both need to be flexible, respectful of each others families/differences, and have a combined vision for the future.

amother

Green

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 9:06 am

First Lady wrote:

Is this a new thing that they're going to college and driving-- I think that's the rare exception? The ones I see and know of take car service or get rides and don't have any college schooling.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 9:14 am

Were the boy's parents in the video? Were they chassidish?
There is a phenomenon of MO boys flipping out and becoming "chassidish."
They're usually more like yeshivish, but they wear the levush and they go to tisch.
There was a whole yeshiva in Israel for boys like this, but it closed due to lack of funding.

out-of-towner

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 10:17 am

amother wrote:

I will agree with all of this except that not all boys who do this are only Chassidish in Livush and Tish. Some are, but others have managed to fit (mostly) into mainstream Chassidish communities.

For myself, I would say that we are in the middle of the road. My husband uses the Mikva daily and wears the Livush and focuses on Avoda and Chassidus, but I dress like a Litvish woman and I don't speak Yiddish. We aren't sure if we are going to send our children to Chassidish schools yet, that remains to be seen.

And there are Yeshivos for such boys, not enough of them though.

Maya

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 10:33 am

amother wrote:

I'm having this weird reaction where my first thought is that you saw a video that I also saw, but in this case, the Kallah is also Chassidish and it is only her father who has become more
modern. Do you want to name the photographer so this can be confirmed?

First Lady

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 10:59 am

amother wrote:

Is this a new thing that they're going to college and driving-- I think that's the rare exception? The ones I see and know of take car service or get rides and don't have any college schooling.

Yes, the college thing is a newer trend. I believe I indicated it in my post.
And yes Satmar girls that drive are also a newish trend, but that's because there are neutral Chassidish communities and schools opening up for people who are Chassidish, that the rigid Chassidish system doesn't work for. So these Satmar girls driving do not send their kids to Satmar schools.
Many Chassidish women do not wear double covered, many look like the typical JPF women, so you might not recognize them as Chassidish, on the road or wherever else. Wink

amother

Pink

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 11:16 am

My husband's friend got married recently. He's about 28 and Chassidish. And she's a real Litvish oot girl.They are very happy together thank G-d.
But he wasn't the least bit interested for her to take on any Chumros. It's one thing if she chooses to. But in such cases if the boy chooses to marry a Litvish girl the last thing on his mind is taking on these external chumros that many of this chassidish friends don't even follow. They are not important enough.
He's still the same Chassidish. I became great friends with her. We are a nice chassidish group of people with only Chassidish men who all wear shtraymels. But there is a huge range of headcoverings. Shpitzel and Double covered and short shaytels to very long shaytels. Some of us drive some don't. Some shave some don't. Some send to real Chassidish chedarim and schools and others choose more neutral or BY. Some speak mainly Yiddish some speak both and some speak only English. But we are all Chassidish davning in the same shul going to each others Simchas and everything else.
For the record I drive and don't shave. I wear long shaitels. I speak Yiddish and English. But my kids only speak English because I send them to a mixed Yeshivish Chassidish school. They learn in Yiddish and English but the kids amongst themselves converse in English. But if you see my husband who happens to have a degree you would probably not think I'm his wife lol. Yet we are proudly Chassidish.
The Chassidish world is pretty confusing and as a poster above mentioned, becoming more and more confusing as there is a huge shift with a large community of people shifting from rigid to more neutral.
Please excuse my grammar. My comma button is on strike plus I typed in a hurry. Had to get this on here before starting on my next work project.

essie14

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 5:25 am

I know several couples where the chattan was from a chassidish family and dressed in the "levush" for the wedding but he wasn't really in same genre as his parents and he married a girl from a non chassidish family. It happens quite often and can make the photos look funny to you, but usually these guys never put on streimel again.