How to explain death to a 4 year old

amother

Ivory

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:11 pm

My four year old daughter has been asking me about death more and more.
I try to be matter of fact about it although inside I'm cringing because why is my baby asking about something like that over and over.
I told her that we die when we are really really old.
She keeps asking if we become a person again after we die.
Today she asked me to read the lion king to her but when we got to the part where king mufasa died she burst out crying and told me to never read her the story again.
What am I doing wrong? How can I make her feel safe again?

mummiedearest

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:17 pm

lots of kids that age start asking about death. my older two started asking when they learned about the avos being buried. unfortunately, they got a little firsthand knowledge within a couple of years. they lost four great-grandparents and a great-aunt in a fairly short time period. just answer the questions calmly. talk about it as much as she wants to. she's a smart kid. hug her and kiss her to make her feel better.

imasinger

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:21 pm

She may be asking because she is trying to come to terms with it.

At her age, she can see that life can end, and is smart enough to realize that maybe it could happen to someone she knows.

In previous generations, this wasn't as much an issue, because with a higher mortality rate, kids got used to the idea very early.

"The Tenth Good Thing About Barney" is a good secular children's book that helps kids come to terms with it.

I would ask her if reading about Mustafa makes her upset, and why. See if you can elicit the fear/sadness. Then, maybe try telling her that death is sad, but it doesn't happen often because doctors help us when we're sick, and parents help kids to stay safe. Ask her if she thinks that lions have doctors. Ask her if the animals in the book ever do things that are not safe. Reassure her that she is safe, and your family has good doctors.

Then, stand back if she needs to play out her feelings. Some kids will bury a doll. Some will notice a dead bug. Some will talk a lot about safety and doctors. It's a natural part of coming to terms with the concept, and if you can be present without overreacting, that would be helpful.

You sound like a great mom.

amother

Purple

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:23 pm

First, I would ask the child why they were worried about death, and where they heard about it from.

My 5 year old was happy with this, "people are bodies with a neshama inside. When a person finishes their job in the world, their body dies and goes in the ground, but their neshama is still alive and goes to a new world to be with Hashem. Usually, people die when they are very old (I don't think you can say a blanket statement). There is going to be a time when moshiach comes that all of the dead people come back alive, so that is a pretty good thing! You don't need to worry about death because kids mostly play, learn, and spend time with their families."

If a child expresses concern that someone they love is going to die, you can say, "I understand why that would make you worried. You really love ____. Remember that Hashem knows the exact amount of time a person needs to live, and right now, ___ is healthy and happy doing their job in this world, so we will enjoy them like we have been until now."

About her concern about being a person again, I would say "your neshama will always be alive. there is another world with Hashem in shamayim that has all the neshamas. The neshamas have a very nice time up there, it is like a whole other world! And then, when moshiach comes, even the bodies will come back alive."

This should be said on the couch, in a calm time, sitting close to you. Pause between sentences and watch your child's reaction to see if they are ready for more.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:26 pm

Thanks imasinger.
I asked her if the story makes her sad and she said it does.
I then told her the story isn't real it's called a fairytale and lions can't really speak.
I didn't want to bring up the safety thing because so far I told her we only die when were very very old.
Maybe that's not the best thing to say but I don't want her living in fear of dying.
Seems whatever I say is wrong.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:28 pm

amother wrote:

I like that thank you. I will try it next time she asks.
Maybe that will make her calmer.

trixx

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:30 pm

amother wrote:

She won't stop asking until she gets an answer that satisfies her real concern. So like others have said, try to pinpoint what that concern is.

amother

Purple

Tue, Sep 20 2016, 4:35 pm

amother wrote:

Death is a natural part of life. Sooner or later she will hear of someone not so old dying.
I think you need to get to the root of her fear--did someone in her class tell her their parent died? Did she hear a story about a kid being very sick and almost dying (like half the mashalim they tell in school)?
I think the main key is teaching them that this world is not the be-all-end-all. The neshamas live on, there is a whole other world with Hashem, and that everyone dies when their jobs are finished. You can make up a nice picture of shamayim--all the neshamos come sit with Hashem and hear stories about the avos and sing shabbos songs. They also look down at the yiddin in this world and daven for them to have a good life...there are flowers and rainbows and happy smiles...If she sees that you are matter of fact, nonchalant about it, it won't be a huge deal.

Saying something is a fairytale that really could happen if it were people is not the way to go. You can use that line about witches and ghosts and monsters. No death. This is a heavy concept, but even little kids can understand the message that "we don't understand everything Hashem does, but everything that happens is good."

Treat her questions with dignity, respect, and facts. do not brush them off and tell her it won't happen.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 9:36 am

I love what purple amother said!

I told DD that sometimes people get sick, and their bodies don't work so well. Usually they get better, but sometimes they don't. When their body stops working, their neshama goes back to be with Hashem.

We are sad because we will miss them, and we will see them again when Moshiach comes. I told her that everyone dies, and only Hashem knows when that will be, but it will be the right time for everyone. We may not always understand it, though.

seeker

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 5:07 pm

Hope this doesn't come out harsh but if she heard about the death of a little boy then telling her that people don't die until they're old is definitely not going to work.

I don't think it's a good approach anyway because they'll need the truth on that soon enough, though I can understand it coming out that way when you're under pressure. You can say that dying young is so unusual that you don't really need to worry about it, but you can't pretend it doesn't happen - that will backfire and could be badly.

I think my main message on this topic is that bodies stop working at some point, but we have a soul that goes on. Keeping the main idea in mind, the details follow organically. Where does the soul go and what does it do? We don't really know, but it's something very special for neshamas that did good things. Will the body come back? We don't know, maybe when Moshiach comes we'll find out. When will [I, you, someone] die? We don't know, hopefully when [they] are very old and finished what they need to do.

If a child is worried about you or another parent/caregiver dying, you can't promise that you won't die until you're old but I think it's reasonable to promise that although you expect to be with them a long time, in case you aren't they will always have someone to love and care for them. And if you didn't already, let that remind you to make a good will.

I think it's important to realize that everybody sometimes feels anxious or sad about death. That's not something that needs to be fixed, it's natural. It's OK to say, "Yes, we feel sad that we can't see and play with ____ anymore." It's OK to sometimes worry. If it becomes excessive then you need to seek more advice, but you don't need to shut down any and all unpleasant feelings and conversations.

And please put Lion King back on the shelf for a long time. Disney movies can be very emotional, between the sound effects and exaggerated imagery. A child is very unlikely to encounter anything in real life that compares to the drama level of movies that are ostensibly for kids.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Sep 21 2016, 5:59 pm

How do you guys suggest I explain to her the concept of a soul? I'm kind of stuck on that one. She has a hard time grasping abstract concepts. She kept asking me about the yetser hara and yetser tov the other day, if they are real and where are they. I said they were in her heart and head she said can't be they don't fit.
How do you guys explain that to a preschooler?