Photographer said we're not family

greenfire

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 7:34 am

Not sure why the photographer kept saying we're not family. He either hardly spoke English & we certainly didn't speak Russian. Or the other side just took over. Or maybe someone just didn't want it to happen.

There were pictures taken of the boy's side. There were pictures taken of the bride, the mother and one aunt [as if she had no other relatives]. I tried several times to get him to take of us. My sister [not mother-of-the-bride] did as well. My daughter made the same efforts we did.

A grandchild my mother helped raise and walk to the chuppah. 7 siblings in one place all dressed up having come from far and wide. My children - the cousins - traveled to be together. And the only great-grandson all tuxedo'd up with my only other niece.

Mama was crying last night. Nobody here understands the level of her pain. She is older and frail. We can never have that moment again. We certainly couldn't get everybody together when my daughter got married.

I know in our memories we danced and partook of the full glory. Yes mama danced like she was 49 and I massaged her aching legs in pain for 3 days after. While we can just focus on the pictures in our minds & maybe the many pictures on many cameras; but again not the whole family. She keeps saying she won't be alive much longer.

How can I appease her?!

The result is walking away from a princess dream wedding of a lifetime without 1 family picture. Not one.

groovy1224

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 7:46 am

I remember when I was young we had a similar experience with the photographer at my sisters wedding. My mother is still to this day upset about pictures we'll never have from that day. It's so upsetting.

Obviously we never used that photographer again, but on top of that, now before any simcha I make sure to meet with the photographer beforehand to discuss pictures I want him to get.

So sorry about your experience. Sad

greenfire

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 8:01 am

That is why we believed when mother of the bride [sister] claimed they will do it later. After we got almost everyone together where pictures were taken outside. They were following this rigid time schedule. [There was another wedding straight after.] But then why take ten pictures of his side and NONE of our side ?!?!?! The bride or my sister should have written down the MUST HAVE pictures because on the day of the wedding things get hectic. Yet still my mother wants her children in one picture. While there are a lot of us there aren't a lot of extensions as in husbands, wives or children so that wouldn't have been the issue.

The ironic joke is that my sister plus mother-of-the-bride were the two who paid for the majority of the wedding or it would not have taken place. Yet his mother pulled her weight by making the couple miserable the entire preparations. She cried the whole wedding like someone died. Yet she took center stage for pictures.

I gave up asking. But I regret not realizing if I only got everyone standing myself we could have at least had that one picture on one of the family cameras.

animeme

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 8:10 am

The photographer at my bas mitzvah missed the table with my dad's family. By the time my next sister had her bas mitzvah, my uncle had died. My dad never really got over it. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Maybe go and buy one of those large frames with lots of spots for different pictures. Have everyone send all the pictures they have, and make a collage of everyone having fun and celebrating. They won't be posed together, but she will see everyone and their joy. Hang it next to her favorite chair in her home. Whoever lives near her can semi-regularly print her a new stack of pictures everyone sends to them, or everyone can send them to her. I have seen this bring life to people when nothing else did.

essie14

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 9:58 am

I am really sorry this happened to you. We met with our photographer before the wedding and told him how many family members we each had. I also made a spreadsheet of which group photos we wanted and I had a wedding planner on the day of the event making sure all the people we wanted in the photos got in.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 10:27 am

My sister told me that at her daughter's wedding, she did not get the pictures she wanted - including a picture of herself with all the sisters - because the photographer was paid for by the Chassan's parents and they got to call the shots, not her. This despite the fact that she paid for the wedding, and is supporting the couple.

She said by her next daughter's wedding, she's going to hire her own photographer, just for her own pictures, and she knows others who have done this.

amother

Wine

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 11:42 am

I was at a recently family simcha. The kalla (my relative) was not from a wealthy family. The chassan was from a very wealthy family. The wedding itself was nice but basic but they got a a very fancy photographer flown in from NY. (wedding was OOT). I'm assuming they did flops. I definitely noticed that very little attention was paid to the chassan's side of the family. Even if no pressure was put on the photographer why should he care about making a poor OOT family happy when he could make this wealthy NY family happier?

amother

Slategray

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 12:56 pm

I'm sorry. it really is something important and its painful that it didn't work out.

but you asked how to appease her? to be blunt, a picture is meaningful but its just a snapshot. and the truth is that the reality of everyone being together is meaningful. that everyone made the effort. that everyone shared the joy together. those connections don't need photographs. and if she is elderly and feels she may be near the end, well I can't think of any better to leave this world than knowing that your family joins together and supports each other. because I don't have that. and our stupid fake family photographs mean diddly squat and I actually NEVER look at those kind of photographs because they hurt. If your family is functional and caring, you don't need a picture to remind you. Don't get me wrong, it would be nice and its sad that you don't have it, but what you do have is so much more real. it transcends the photo.

greenfire

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:24 pm

amother wrote:

you're making assumptions ... we're all NUTs & WACKy !!!

that's why it means more that so much efforts were put out but no memory for mama who begged those that didn't come to my daughter's wedding to come so we are all together [in her mind one last time because she had a rough year with aging ailments]

I can write a book on family stories from this weekend alone ... some so hilariously sad that it was lucky my niece changed her mind about the wedding cruise because there would have been people overboard

& we all lived to tell the tale - rotflmm@o !!! Cheers

לחיים

[now I'm going to be in trouble for using my screename] Nervous

watergirl

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:29 pm

amother wrote:

I cant tell if you are being sarcastic or not. If you are - good, and skip the rest of this post.

If you are serious - let me see if I understand what happened here. Kallah is OOT and not wealthy. You are assuming the chassan's family paid to bring in a photographer from NY, and this chassan's family, whom you assume paid, was paid little attention to - which you think is not right because his family has money and is from NY?

If you are serious, and if I got that right, then wow.

Reading this thread is shock

I dont understand why anyone thinks its ok for a photographer to ignore anyone at all. Lets say there was FLOPS and I am the mother of the chassan. So we get wine and the other side gets water? Or I paid for flowers, so my table gets high arrangements and the other tables get a single tulip? FLOP or 50/50, everyone should be happy and feel that it was split appropriately.

Greenfire - I am sorry to hear about the upsetting situation. I have nothing to add but a hug for your mother.

greenfire

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:54 pm

watergirl wrote:

...
Reading this thread is shock

right you treat everybody as part of the simcha !!!

watergirl wrote:

Greenfire - I am sorry to hear about the upsetting situation. I have nothing to add but a hug for your mother.

thank you

amother

Slategray

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 1:59 pm

honey you can still tell ur mama that nuts and wacky is fine.

distant, uncaring, cruel, mocking... those don't go away even when u smile for a photo.

don't know about the others, but u sound pretty awesome if u can laugh at all the craziness.

and I am sorry this happened.

greenfire

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 3:42 pm

slategray amother wrote:

slategray ~ I am going to ask you kindly to stop making assumptions when you know nothing about my family or our history or insanity ... this is NOT a competition and I really don't feel the need to make it one or prove anything

I can laugh at anything because the alternative is death

[snip]🚫

now please don't make me cry !!!

[I'll be back to delete this when I regain my sanity]
I am going to focus on kissing the toilet paper my brother bought mama AFTER everybody left - thanx

Last edited by greenfire on Tue, Sep 27 2016, 12:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

imasinger

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 4:22 pm

I'm sorry, Greenfire.

These days, with the world having cellphones or cameras to take pictures, the photoshop idea is a great one.

Maybe you could get pics of as many family members as possible, print them out, and put them in a collage for Mama to have on her wall.

TBH, she may not have been paying super close attention to what everyone was wearing, so if you had to cheat a little, it would probably still work.

amother

Wine

Thu, Sep 22 2016, 5:18 pm

watergirl wrote:

Sorry, I meant to write very little attention was paid to the kallah's side of the family. Like there were no individual pics taken of the family groups on the kallahs side, while there was on the chassan's side.