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Aggressive neighbor kids pressuring DS to use his toys



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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:11 pm
Last Chanuka DS begged us to get him a certain expensive toy, which we got him. This toy can only be used outside, and whenever he went out to use it, the boys in a certain family who live nearby would pressure him to let them have a turn. DS wanted to get along with them, so he initially gave in, but over time, with each of them taking a turn, DS barely got a chance to use it himself.

This family has several boys, some older than DS and some younger, and their whole style is very aggressive and selfish. DS got to the point that he wouldn't even go outside with the toy, because he couldn't even enjoy it. Numerous times one of the neighbor boys would then come ring our bell to ask if DS could come out to play, which was code for, "Bring out your toy so we can use it."

Unfortunately, besides living pretty close to us, these boys also go to the same school as DS, and ride the same bus. Recently they have begun harassing DS on the bus and calling him names for no longer sharing his toy with them. The neighbor boys play outside without supervision, and a lot of their attitude seems to be inherited from their parents, who have much of the same style.

DS is begging me to approach their mother and explain what's going on and asking her to intervene, but I'm uncomfortable doing so, and DH is even more reluctant to approach their father. Does anybody have any suggestions for how to handle the situation practically vis-a-vis both the neighbors and DS, as well as how to approach it with DS from a chinuch perspective?
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:17 pm
How old are all these kids? For a kid younger than 8 I would intervene. I would first come out with my son and say directly to the neighbor kids, "my son has shared with you a lot. Right now he wants to play by himself. This is his special toy and he is playing by himself right now." Then, I would call the mother. No, it will not be a fun conversation, but it is important. Tell her, "my son got a toy and he won't play with it because he thinks your kids will pressure him to share every time he goes outside. (wait for response) I am also concerned because my son says that your kids make fun of him on the bus for not sharing. I am all for sharing and taking turns, but I am afraid he is being stepped on and not treated appropriately."

Then, I would tell my son, "it is nice to share with friends sometimes. It is also ok to sometimes play alone. If you see someone is jealous of your toy and you don't want to share, don't play with it in front of them. If that's not possible, it is ok to tell your friend, "I'm sorry, right now I want to play alone. You can ask me again tomorrow. It is mean and wrong for a kid to make fun of you for not sharing. It is your special toy and you can decide when you will share."
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:18 pm
How old are they? It maybe uncomfortable but you really need to speak to the mother in the nicest way thats non confrontational.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:25 pm
It's hard for kids to see someone else with a toy.

There's a kid in my neighborhood who has one of these kid cars that you can drive and steer. My neighborhood happens to be ideal for this kind of toy, because there's a large circular drive area that is pretty safe for this. Just yesterday, DD came in glowing because the little boy offered her a ride - she fully respected that he manned the controls, and it was actually rather cute - he was really gentlemanly about it. (FTR she's 8 and he's 7).

But I know the boys in the neighborhood all go crazy when the car comes out, and boys are probably a bit more aggressive then DD, who was happy to just sit and let him have the fun while she hopped along as a passenger and gave him attention and appreciation to boot. I could see it becoming a situation where they would take over the toy and enjoy it more than him.

I would think the best way to deal with it is to help him set boundaries if he's going to share the toy. Take it out for a limited amount of time. Allow a limited amount of participation. Maybe your supervision, or your husbands, would be required for a bit till this is worked out.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:25 pm
OP here, thanks for so many quick replies. DS is in 3rd grade, neighbors range from 2nd-6th grades (the one in 2nd is the one who knocked on our door and has started harassing on the bus). Does this change things?

And yes, the toy in question is a riding/driving toy - an electric scooter.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:36 pm
amother wrote:
OP here, thanks for so many quick replies. DS is in 3rd grade, neighbors range from 2nd-6th grades (the one in 2nd is the one who knocked on our door and has started harassing on the bus). Does this change things?

And yes, the toy in question is a riding/driving toy - an electric scooter.


Not even big enough for two...and not fair that others should take over and not allow him his time.

Perhaps your son needs a little help setting boundaries. You can come outside with him and supervise him for a bit, saying right now Chaim is riding his toy, perhaps a bit later he will give you a turn, etc....if children are taunting your son on the bus, you can let the mother know. I would not make it about the toy, but focus on the taunting.

Hi Mrs. Rosenberg. Chaim came home and said something has been going on between him and your sons....I am speaking to Chaim about this and hope you will do the same (shared responsibility often goes a longer way then accusations to the other party). Thank you so much.

I would also call their bluff - if they invite your son out to play, tell him to go out to play WITHOUT the toy. Instruct him to answer, if they tell him to bring it out "My mother doesn't let me bring it out right now". So that not all playing is tied to the toy.....Make bringing the scooter out dependent on when YOU/HE decide to do so, not when THEY decide it's coming out....
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 5:15 pm
no suggestion on dealing with the bullies, but you could take ds to a park and let him ride it there.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 5:25 pm
I think I would tell my son that I bought the toy for him and it's okay for him to not share and tell these boys "my mom said only I can use it". I mean, I know we try to teach our kids to share and be kind but even sharing has limits. Do we lend out everything we have to our friends? No. So I think it's okay to make a rule that it's just for him and let him blame you when they complain that he doesn't share. If the name calling at school/ on bus continues you have to make the parents aware I think. Tough situation.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 5:41 pm
I've had mothers pressure my kids to share their (standard) trike and it's really not fair. If the kid wants to share, fine but they shouldn't feel pressured to.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 6:27 pm
I'd talk to the parents. Wouldn't you want to know if your child were behaving like this so you could teach better manners? Plus, having it come from the parents instead of your child may reduce the bullying (yes, bullying) that he is currently subjected to.

But I'd be practical and take him to park to use it instead of the neighborhood, too, like Raisin suggested. It removes the temptation, plus maybe your son will enjoy using it in different places.
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mirror




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 8:57 pm
Since the bullies are attacking your ds on the school bus, you should speak to the principal of the school. The domain of the school bus belongs to the principal.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 10:30 pm
a kid in my neighborhood came out w/ a very novel approach.
he tells other kids it cost him a lot of $ to buy it and it can get worn out quickly if too many ppl ride it. therefore he charges $/ride!!!

I actually let my son pay to ride it once or twice. this keeps most kids at bay, and my son really enjoyed the ride. look, its cheaper than me buying him one of his own!!

anon cause my friends know the story. Wave
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ceebee




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 10:39 pm
It may not make sense to go to the parents. Some of these parents as you say are bullies just like their kids and would do nothing to stop this behavior. I would address the kids directly, telling them they may not use your sons' toy. Next time your son is out and using the scooter, go out with him. When one of the neighbors comes by, I'd make it clear it can not be shared. You can do this in front of your son, modeling to him how to address these kids. You may also want to add that harassing him on the bus helped make this decision that they can no longer use it.
And since it is happening on the bus, I would let the school know about it.
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 10:47 pm
I also think a bit of parental input would be good.
It's hard to figure out the balance between encouraging kids to work things out themselves and dealing with issues vs stepping in and helping out. Sometimes kids need that support and encouragement. even just to know that their parents are there for them.

If you don't want to make an issue with the parents, could you go outside with him one day. If he's happy to share a bit, let the others have five minutes each and then it's just for him. You standing there timing will help ensure he's not being stepped on.
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lucky14




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 10:51 pm
I would talk to the mom. I'd want to defend my boy and even more so the fact that your son is asking you to help out.
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geulah papyrus




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Sep 27 2016, 11:13 pm
Please talk to the parents and intervene. Sometimes you have to advocate for your child even when it's uncomfortable.
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Goldie613




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 12:03 pm
Can you go out with him? Do the kids act the same way when you are there, or are they like this only when an adult isn't standing by?

Sometimes a grown-up standing there makes a big difference in terms of how "pushy" the other kids will be.

Even if you don't want to supervise the whole time, you could just stay there for the first ten minutes (to make sure only he rides then), then instruct your son - out loud, so the other kids can hear you, too - that if any kid wants a turn it can only be for a couple of minutes. Then come back out later (shortly before you want him to come in) and announce that he has just a few minutes left to play and therefore whichever other child is on there needs to finish up so that your son can play with it one last time before coming in.

Yes, it means being the bossy grown-up on the block, but isn't that part of being a parent?

LOL
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 4:00 pm
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I'd like to suggest that people view this from the perspective of the boy being bullied, not a parent. Would supervising and preventing other boys from demanding to use the toy solve the whole problem, or will it lead to more bullying on the bus and at school because of mommy protecting him? Will the other parents actually do anything? Would it be better to just not use it in the neighborhood? What's the best way to get the other kids off his back in a way that won't make him more vulnerable?

The answers to those questions are very much dependent on the community attitude. It's really worth thinking about the situation holistically to come to the best conclusion.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2016, 5:04 pm
op, I think there is value in speaking to the parents. however, since they are likely very similar to their children, don't get your hopes up.

here are the facts:

you bought this toy for your son. it is his, and he has every right to play with it outside his home. the other boys want to play with it and use every strategy they can to get ahold of it. your son is a sensitive child and therefore susceptible to bullying, which they are using against him.

here's what you should not do:

do not encourage your child to avoid using this toy in order to avoid conflict. do not only allow him to use it in the park. that is teaching your child that bullies control him. do not sit outside watching him for the entirety of his playtime.

here's what you SHOULD do:

encourage him to stand up for himself. this includes telling these boys that the toy is HIS, that his parents bought it for HIM, and that HE will decide if he feels like sharing it. should the boys bully him on the bus, he needs to learn to tell them that he does not share his super cool toy with people who are not nice to him. he can say things like, "what you said to me just now is mean. I'm not going to let you ride my scooter today." yes, I'm encouraging you to teach him to act a bit snobby. he needs to learn that he has a great bargaining tool here, and he's being taken advantage of. it's ok to be nice, but he needs to learn to take advantage of certain situations. if the bullies see that he is going to be selective of who gets to play, they'll likely start being nice to him. they may be bullies, but they really want that scooter.
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