Won't stop talking!

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 1:53 pm

My 4 y/o often likes to talk just for the sake of talking and it drives my husband and I nuts! Especially as a contrast to an older child who has a speech delay and is on the more reserved side. This guy won't stop to the point of not taking care of his responsibilities--like getting dressed and ready for school in the morning. I understand that he wants attention and wants connection to me, but I need my quiet sometimes and I need him to get focused on doing what he needs to do. I've tried "ignoring" him and telling him "First do what I say, and then I can talk to you more" but its hard to be consistent with it. Also, he doesn't WANT to go to school so telling him that he'll miss the bus won't help. Also, he just KEEPs talking!
He also talks at the expense of NOT LISTENING and then say "What did you say?" or ask a question that I didn't answer and then as "What did I say?" and he says "I don't know"--but I don't know if he's telling the truth (I also can't always tell if he's telling a lie to get attention or b/c he wasn't listening) It's also makes us .get annoyed at him--he sees to thrive on us getting annoyed at him. Any coping suggestions?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 3:30 pm

Oh my gosh, I feel your pain! My DD is 13yo, and she's still like this. I've just learned to nod and make sounds like I'm listening, while tuning the majority out. I keep redirecting, and stay consistent.

When she was 4yo, we lived in a really crummy studio apartment in a bad part of town. It was a ground floor unit, and the local drug dealers used to congregate on the steps right next to our front door. I had lots of potted plants out front, because I wanted a garden project for DD to get into.

DD would go outside (under my supervision), and she started talking to the drug dealers! Imagine the conversation going like this, without pausing for breath:

"Hi, my name is R, what's your name? I like ladybugs, do you like ladybugs? My favorite color is purple, what's your favorite color? You guys wear a lot of black and red, is that your favorite color? You look like ladybugs! I have a garden. I am growing corn, and peas, and beans, and lettuce, and beets. Do you have a garden? I have a dog. She is a pug, and her name is Daisy. Do you have any dogs? I like cats too, but my mom is allergic. I wish I had a cat. Hey, your phone is ringing! Who's on the phone? Who are you talking to? What do they want? Is that your friend? - Hey, where are you going???"

After a couple of such encounters, the drug dealers decided that this was not a good place to do business, and they never came back! LOL

I started referring to DD as "the Sonic Pest Repellent." Wink

amother

Gray

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 4:42 pm

My 3.5 year old is like this. She basically didn't stop talking from the minute she figured out how. She literally talks all day long. She never stops. And if no one is there to listen, she talks to herself. Sometimes she sings instead, which is cuter.

We are also trying to figure out how to get her to stop being such a slow mover (because she's so busy talking she doesn't do what she's supposed to). Here are some things that work for us, but we are always looking for more strategies:
1) Set a timer. A big, visible timer that makes a noise at the end. The "Time Timer" (look on amazon) is good for this, because it is clear even to a young child how much time is left. If the child doesn't finish by the time the timer beeps, then there is a consequence (this could be a negative consequence or just a lack of positive consequence). This works well if we supervise the whole time and remind her to look at the timer and finish before, but wouldn't work if we didn't. It also works better if I sing a relevant song or play one on the computer (e.g. the clean-up song) to focus her. The singing or music often stops her talking and she focuses better.
2) Tell her a story while she's doing things. My daughter loves stories and actually listens (except she sometimes briefly interrupts every 2 minutes to tell me what happens next or suggest what should happens next, but it is significantly less talking than usual). I tell her that she can have the story while she does things, and if she stops doing things then I stop telling the story. Every time she stops doing what she is supposed to, I pause and remind her that she needs to continue in order to hear more of the story. This works well.
3) Slot more time for everything. I slot an hour for dinner (because she talks so much that it actually takes her an hour to eat a meal). You may need to wake the child up earlier too. We aren't crazy about this, but it seems necessary.
4) Have paper visuals of routines. Like a morning visual - a piece of paper with a picture of waking up, then an arrow to a picture of getting dressed, then brushing teeth, then eating breakfast, etc. I can point to the pictures while she is talking to get her to move to the next thing. You can have a visual for everything - mornings, getting home from school, bedtime routines, etc. And they can look at the visual and keep talking, but it helps focus them.
5) My least favorite option, but surprisingly effective - in general, if she is supposed to start doing something, I count to 10 and then she has to start (or I do it to her instead - like at 10, I'll dress her if she hasn't started dressing herself). So, even when she's talking, if she isn't doing what she needs to, I just talk over her and tell her that she has to get into bed by 10 (or put on her shoes, or go to wash her hands, etc) and start counting. Oddly, this works very well. It may not work for all kids. When I start counting to 10, it's like she's on autopilot. But occasionally she gets mad that I am talking over her and not listening. So it's not my preferred option.
6) If the talking is getting annoying, we put on music. We have music on a lot of the time, and my daughter dances, or sings, or plays (ok, this usually involves talking anyway, but it's not the only sound). Usually she sings along a lot. My daughter is very musically oriented, and can actually carry a tune, so listening to her sing is often better (and less involved for us) than listening to her talk.

In short, I never tell her not to talk. First off, it just doesn't work. Secondly, some children just need to talk a lot, I don't know why, but that's part of their personality. If that's how she needs to express herself, I let it be and try to manage everything else around it in the above ways.

Don't forget that talkativeness also adds many good qualities to your child. My daughter's talkative nature also comes with along with fantastic friendliness, not being shy at all, outgoing, funny (sometimes when I stop to listen to what she's saying, it is hilarious), able to articulate her needs to me and others (less or shorter tantrums), able to express her feelings (even when crying hysterically, we sometimes hear her say "I'm so sad, I'm so very very sad", or when upset she tells us why she is angry), she's charismatic - people are just drawn to her. Looking at the good her makes her talking less of a 'burden'. I constantly marvel at where this expressive, outgoing child came from (because I am the total opposite), and how much her personality really shines though. So even though it can be annoying, the flipside of her talkativeness is a lot of good qualities, so don't forget to focus on those as well!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 6:00 pm

Here's my vent on the same topic:

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....=shut

gold21

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 7:52 pm

A lot of little girls are like this. I find it endearing Tongue Out

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Sep 27 2016, 10:49 pm

Op here, first of all this is a boy, not a girl--though he's rather effeminate. 2nd, I made him a morning routine chart--which kind of works. Even if I just nod, or even verbally acknowledge him, he'll repeat himself, otherwise he starts SCREAMING and he has a loud schreech! Usually it means that he has to go to the bathroom. If I remind him he screams MORE "I DON'T HAVE TO"--which DEFINITELY means he has to. I've tried talking about how this is a lie and he needs to tell the truth, and that if he doesn't stop the lies I don't know when he is telling the truth. Finally, in the morning he's SOOO helpless, and NEEDS me to help him--when he is perfectly capable of dressing himself , when I'm trying to get everyone else out the door, or he SCREAMS again. The only thing I can say to him to get him to move is to threaten a potch--but otherwise NOTHING works (unless my mother comes over and brings a "special treat"--but I don't always have that at my disposal--I try my own treats, not the same effect)! I used to be a VERY patient person, teacher, mother etc.--but he TRIES MY PATIENCE like no one else! And he seems to like to engage me in this screaming battle to get me to talk to him--and it hurts my throat--but regular talking doesn't seem to have any effect on him.

Iymnok

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 2:43 am

At this age, it's not a lie and don't call it one.
Find a different way to get him to the bathroom.
"It's time to use the bathroom, even if you don't need to. Ready, GO!"
"Put in your pants, then tell me, can you do it before I count to ten?"

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 9:32 am

Iymnok wrote:

When it's 99% of the time that he's telling me that he doesn't need to but then he goes--what is it? It's not true. And around 4 years-old it is age appropriate for children to start "lying." He is fully aware that he needs to go. He's been toilet trained for over a year.

This child doesn't give me any space and then he SCREAMS when I don't give him attention or it ends up being negative attention b/c of this whole bathroom fight. I tell him over, and over, and over, and over "crying and screaming get you nothing." Yet, he always finds ways of extending the conversation. He's a middle child, but demands attention as if he's an only. I give him LOTS of attention, but I just can't seem to get across to him that I cannot do everything FOR him.

He will make a mess with a toy, and then refuse to clean up without help. And then when he gets help, he just sits there and "supervises".

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 9:36 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Here's my vent on the same topic:

http://www.imamother.com/forum.....=shut

My kid is definitely not on the spectrum, and he's highly intelligent.
He also won't let me talk to my husband, he insists on us talking to him.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 9:59 am

1) Set a timer. We have a clock on the wall and we talk about the "big hand and small hand", "how much time I'm giving them" and when "time is up." I have tried other timers. He even insisted on getting an "egg timer" from the store, and we tried setting the timer, he'll just stand there and watch the time and complain about not getting the treat/getting the consequence the entire time span.

2) Tell her a story while she's doing things. I'm not a great story teller, and sometimes I just need my space to figure things out or get myself dressed in the morning, and I need him to understand that he needs to be independent sometimes.

3) Slot more time for everything. This can only be taken so far. I wake them up at 6:30am to be out the door by 7:25. In the evening I start bedtime around 7pm for 8pm light's out. He mostly sits there in the morning refusing to move unless I help him. And in the evening he insists on me helping him find pjs--even though they are almost always in 1 of 2 places (unless he wants specific ones)--he keeps saying "I can't find them"--yes, you cannot find them if you are in the kitchen and the pjs are in the bedroom.

4) Have paper visuals of routines. I have it, and it worked for 2-3 days, but then he stopped responding to it.
5) My least favorite option, but surprisingly effective - in general, if she is supposed to start doing something, I count to 10 and then she has to start (or I do it to her instead - like at 10, I'll dress her if she hasn't started dressing herself). Yes, I do this, I have to often include an undesirable consequence--but it often involves me yelling, and I have NEVER been a yeller (not even on roller coasters) and it really bothers me. Also he WANTs help so that wouldn't decrease this behavior
6) If the talking is getting annoying, we put on music. I'll have to see if this works, sometimes our stereo is temperamental and we don't know why the sound doesn't always come through so I don't like offering music unless I know its working.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 12:55 pm

amother wrote:

My kid is definitely not on the spectrum, and he's highly intelligent.
He also won't let me talk to my husband, he insists on us talking to him.

I never said he was on the spectrum.
My DD is not on the spectrum, she has Fragile X Syndrome.
I'm not saying your son has that, either.
People on the spectrum, or FX, or whatever can be HIGHLY intelligent.
They can also be extremely high functioning, and understand right from wrong.

/rant

If you are having such a hard time with him, you may need parenting classes to learn how to cope better.

amother

Gray

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 2:38 pm

amother wrote:

OP, I can tell from your responses that you are very frustrated. I know the above ideas I suggested are not necessarily ideal, but the main point is, there are no quick fixes. If you want things to improve (both your child's behavior and your parenting of him), you'll have to work hard and it will take time. But it will be so worth it. We manage our daughter with a combination of strategies, and we can't 'fix' her talkativeness or her need for attention. Bottom line, my daughter is needy. Bottom line, your son is needy. The question is, what should you do about it? I know you just want him to understand that he needs to be more independent (and as an introverted parent, I totally understand your need for that to happen as quickly as possible). But, for a child who is needy in this way, the more you push them to be independent, the needier they get. So you'll need to try something else.

So now I'm going to make a different suggestion - I strongly recommend you find a parenting method that addresses how to get your kids to stop doing what they shouldn't be doing and to start doing what they should be doing. I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic - it's a fairly short book with a simple parenting method. It works well with out daughter, and has taught us strategies to get her to listen better.

Some other suggestions - I implemented rules about screaming and before hand, I told her during a calm time, that when she screams or cries, it is unpleasant for everyone else and it is not okay to make things unpleasant for everyone, and we will not stay with her if she does it, but she is welcome to scream or cry as much as she needs to by herself, and as soon as she stops screaming, we will come back (it's important to do this right away). The minute my daughter starts screaming, I leave the room and without a word. If she follows me, I put her in time out (yes, I will even tell her that I will strap her into her stroller if necessary to make her stay put, but I have actually never had to do this, because telling her that I will keeps her in the same place) and I don't come back until she's done screaming - and I come back the minute she stops. Believe me, now when she starts screaming, we don't even have to tell her to stay put, she just stays wherever she is and screams and it never lasts more than 5 minutes, usually just 1 or 2 minutes and she stops on her own and we are in the next room where it's quieter. And if she is crying too much (but really too much, as in for more than a several minutes and about something that can't be changed), I tell her she can cry as much as she needs to but that she has to do it in a different room, and now she actually goes to a different room, and then we rejoin her the minute she stops crying and hug her. Rejoining her immediately provides positive reinforcement for the behavior you want (aka, behaving nicely = attention from parents).

Lastly, provide TONS of positive reinforcement each and every time your child listens to you. And provide TONS of reinforcement every time your child does something independently. This has made a huge difference - now instead of my daughter refusing to dress herself, she gets upset if we try to help her. A total 180 in just a few weeks.

Lastly, kids can tell when you don't want to be with them - your desperate attempts to get him to be independent of you are probably making him feel that you are trying to separate from you and his behaviors are his desperate attempts to connect with you. So make sure you spend time with him every day where you are totally focused on him. Start short, and work your way up if it's hard for you. Even just 15 minutes of undivided attention a day can do wonders.

In general, my husband and I tag team for my daughter - we take turns so that if one of us needs a break, we can get it. And we almost never yell - I can count the number of times on my fingers that I have yelled at her throughout her whole life. It's just patience, patience, patience, and a sense of humor. And you may have to try and fail at several strategies first. But it will get better.

So I know your frustrated, but try some of my earlier suggestions, or some of my current suggestions, or someone else's suggestions, because, frankly, what have you got to lose? And just think of what you would gain if they helped.

Good luck.

mamita

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 2:50 pm

Sorry I had a laugh. My ds is 4 and the talking ... Delays.. Frustration!!
Charts worked I think one day. The second. The first day he was so excitedly deciphering and checking we didn't get anywhere. By the third day he had been there done that back to regular life.
Counting definitely works by him. Though it makes me so nervous that he only does anything when I'm counting. The other day we wanted to go out and I heard my eight year old go " I'm counting to ten and you put your pants on". Lol.
Stickers for being ready on time worked one day a week. Once he got it he was fine to skip the rest. Finally I figured to only give one sticker on Friday for a week of being ready. Which will include being there, reminding etc
It does take tough love to train 'em that life needs certain limits. I would set myself a time frame eg. These three weeks we will live with a lot of screaming. And I psyche my husband. I will use this phrase to ingrain it. (Stick to one) eg."now its (dd/dh and mommy's etc) turn to talk. When its yours I will listen to you. For now I can't answer you anymore because I.am busy." (Followed by ignoring and screaming of course). This frame helped me work through "the project". Which usually was accomplished in less time than I set.
And instead of debating the issue with boys it really helps to state the need eg. "You need the bathroom" take them firmly by the hand and walk them there. (And if its anything like mine, then: " are you going to take your pants down and sit or should I do it for you? 1, 2..") . I remember once stating something to my 2 yo dd and then instinctively reaching out to take her - and she'd already done it! Girls definitely have more common sense in my books!!
And once you have your strategy, laugh. He will for sure grow up and when he's fifteen go 'what?!! I never did that!!'

imasinger

Wed, Sep 28 2016, 4:02 pm

OP, how many minutes per day, on average, do you spend playing with this DS with 100% full attention, no phone, no chores, no attending to other kid(s)?

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 7:09 am

It's ok to tell a child you ae busy now and can't listen/need to concentrate or redirect them

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Sep 29 2016, 8:42 am

In general I try to listen to him when he talks to me, but then he just doesn't stop. He just tries to prolong the conversation. MOOOMMY "blah blah blah..." "MOOOMMY" blah blah blah..." its like I'm sitting/standing RIGHT NEXT to you. you don't have to shout/whine my name! And then he makes these "nervous" noises--like fast pitch annoying noises that seem that he does just to annoy and irritate. Oh it drives me nuts!

He's REALLY very cute, and well behaved in school, but at home he manages to push ALL the buttons that we have. He doesn't have real interests--like my other kids. He's a toy hoarder--he has a bag of legos that he's saving to make a "rocket ship", but then he hasn't made the rocket ship all week and just adds random legos to the bag--not letting anyone else play with them. (I'm not good at building with legos). He just wants US to build things for him. He keeps talking about me getting him prizes and certain things, and I tell him that he can earn them by doing what he needs to do, but he just doesn't do it!

MyUsername

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 6:45 am

Sounds like your kid is desperate for your attention - some kids just need more attention than others. And that what might seem like he's doing to annoy you, is because he wants your attention.

Maybe try making your rewards be time with you, rather than a toy or treat? Like, 'if you do what you need to do, then we can spend 5 minutes cuddling on the couch after' or whatever you can think of.

chani8

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 7:33 am

I'm having trouble figuring out how what to say, because you seem quite focused on your feelings of frustration, more than asking, what does this child need from me.

These are two different issues. Do you want to work on dealing with your feelings of frustration, or do you want figure out what your child needs, as in, what to do about his behavior?

I sense you might want to work on your feelings first. You know, you can change how you feel about his behavior. It's important to learn this tool because we cannot always fix our children's annoying behaviors. Sometimes we can only accept them.

Change your thoughts, change your feelings, is a life changing tool. I wont go into it unless you are interested in working on yourself in this way.

naomi2

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 11:06 am

Good point from imasinger. He may need a set chunk of absolute undivided attention. He knows you are busy with other things when he talks to you. He knows you don't want to hear what he's saying. Sit down on the couch and talk to him one one one. Just for talking. Give him lots of hugs.
For in the moment times. Tell him quick quiet contest and set a timer. When it beeps it's over. Just a couple minutes for sanity.
Also there may be an underlying issue with him. Because he seems very self centered, not able to regulate his talking too much, inappropriately hogging the conversation, lacking play skills by collecting toys and not playing with them, strange noises, trying to control other people. Does he get therapy? Has he been evaluated ever? Is he generally hyper, unfocused, noncompliant, etc...?

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Sep 30 2016, 12:14 pm

Thank you Naomi, these behaviors comes from his anxiety, I don't know what triggered his anxiety and I don't understand all of its facets--like he's always telling me "the light's off in the bathroom" (even if its on). He's a very anxious child--he always tells me he's scare of x, y, or z.
It can come from being very intelligent that he is. I think he understands a LOT but too much that it scares him. He is capable of playing nicely, but won't do it unless someone "plays with him", and he just doesn't really have his own likes. He's more of a social player--ball, bikes, scooters, than a "toy player."