It is just too much!

amother

Brown

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 9:58 am

Sometimes I feel like I want to run away.
I am by nature happy and always with a smile. I trust Hashem and He always takes care of me. But sometimes it is just too much.
I have a bunch of kids, (keeping details to a minimum to avoid being identified..)

One has true special needs, one has emotional problems, one has learning problems, and the others are "typical" kids.
They barely listen to a word I say. I can't argue and police anymore. I am so sick of it.
I come home after 5 from work. Then I wear myself down till bedtime and by then I am shot and ready to run!

My husband comes home after I am sleeping. I have someone help me for an hour after I get home. So I feel like the physical help is sufficient.

I just feel like a failure as a mother. Not a new feeling for me. I feel like I try so hard to learn the skills. I read books, I ask advice. I try. I just can't seem to parent properly.
I grew up in an unstable home, hence the lack of parenting skills. I am not much of a disciplinarian. So they get lots of love but not enough limits.
Spare the rod, spoil the child. That's why I have a bunch of brats in my house. And thats why I want to run.

I sometimes think to myself that our society (frum society) is so silly. We push the need to get married young, build a family young and then what? Lose my mind???
I'm thinking it wasn't such a great idea. there needs to be much more preparation for parenting. We go in blind.

Thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 10:07 am

I thought I was doing all the right things, attachment parenting, child led everything, and I only had one child to deal with. Still, DD was having a lot of problems.

Parenting classes changed my life. First, I got to see that other parents with all the best intentions were making the same mistakes I was. College educated people who waited to have kids, people with few kids, etc. We were all floundering.

Our therapist/moderator was kind and gentle, and she helped us realize where we were doing our kids a disservice, and how to make a few tweaks here and there to become more effective parents. There was no shame, no blame, just some much needed guidance.

If you can't find a group like this, or don't have the time, find a parent you know with a lot of kids, who seems to have it all together. Ask for help, and you may be surprised. It could be just one technique that will change everything, or you may develop an ongoing relationship with her that will help you along.

In addition, find a parent who also has difficult kids, and see if she can help you with tips on how she manages, and what she does for self-care. This is equally valuable information!

May the new year bring you clarity, peace, and much nachas from your children.

bigsis144

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 10:12 am

amother wrote:

All I can say is, "me too."

(hugs)

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Oct 07 2016, 10:23 am

I think the first thing is to get rid of the voices in your head that keep telling you that you're a bad mother, a failure, a poor disciplinarian, etc. That includes articles, internet comments, unhelpful relatives, etc. Remind yourself of all the good things you do for your kids. You show them love. You're doing your best. You work hard to provide a home for them, to cook meals, to make sure they have clean clothes. So what if you're not perfect. There's a concept of "good enough parents."

Once you are able to cut down on the negativity towards yourself you can start working on specific issues that you'd like to change.

My kids to to bed between 9-10 every single night. I want them in bed by 8, I know that's what all the experts say. But you know what? It's not worth it for me to get angry and go crazy just because I can't get my kids to bed at a decent hour. I do more damage by getting upset than by the hour of sleep they're losing. And what quality of sleep will they get if it comes after Mommy just yelled at them for an hour? So I'm aiming for calmer bedtimes and not focusing so much on the hour they get into bed.

I also have the advantage of having older teens in addition to little kids and I see they're not so bad after all. Despite my being a "bad mother," poor disciplinarian and all that, I have pretty decent kids B"H. I may have done a lot wrong but I've done a lot right too.