Mother in law -Daughter in law

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 6:45 pm

This is NOT a bash your inlaws post ( we have enough of those :-) )
Why do you think the mother in law - daughter in law relationship is such a tightrope? If you ask any daughter in law they will say "well my mil is ..." but this is such a wide spread issue that there must be a deeper reason.
Is it because we all want to be the only woman in our husbands life?
Is it because we are being forced to be family and there such a high pressure to get along?

EDITED TO ADD:
I love hearing people who have great relationships with their in-laws its something I always wanted and am striving for.
Those of you who have great relationships with your in laws can you describe it? Do they criticize you and you just don't get insulted by it? Do you live near by or far away? Do they rely on you for anything or vs vs? How often do you see each other/talk to each other?

Last edited by kelsorino on Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:20 pm; edited 1 time in total

octopus

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:07 pm

Well let's see... my neighbor or coworker isn't coming into my home and giving me parenting advice, cleaning advice, and even dieting advice. This stranger has become a parent overnight. I know you are not supposed to "talk back" to parents, but blood is thicker than water, and you know your real parents will always love you (in a normal relationship). Not so much in the in-law relationship. That can go sour at high speed rates if you say what you really think.

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:08 pm

MitzadSheini wrote:

It says in the gemara Yevamot 117a that a mother in law has a natural dislike for her daughter in law.

Guess we are all doomed.

Really? Man! That's a real bummer! I guess that makes it a legit complex than and not a 21st century spoiled brat thing.

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:15 pm

octopus wrote:

That is a good point. Its hard to be on your best behavior all the time. We are subconsciously trying to impress them.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:28 pm

From the time that your child is born, it's every woman's fantasy to have a daughter-in-law who will be perfect in every way. Every mil wants a dil from a rich family with a prestigious job. No mil wants a dil who is poor and divorced with kids. I am not bashing my mil but I don't exactly blame her either. I do wish she wasn't so vocal about it, though.

cholenteater

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:32 pm

I was just typing up a whole long analysis of mine and mIL relationship and I by mistake pressed back on the page (typing from phone). Guess was meant to be even though I was going to post anonymously!

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:32 pm

amother wrote:

I cant imagine that I will ever care about these things a I agree that I do want the perfect daughter in law I guess but my idea of perfect is someone sweet, loving and Torah oriented.

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 7:33 pm

cholenteater wrote:

No now I am so curious!

cnc

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:00 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I love my mil so much. I don't get the whole hate thing.

Same here.
I have an amazing relationship with my mil bh.
She's an awesome person.

Rubber Ducky

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:04 pm

My DIL is wonderful! She has made DH and me into grandparents and has transformed my son into a happy husband and father. I love her and I knew I would love her before we even met.

Like mommy3b2c (who is someone else's wonderful DDIL, not mine), I don't get it either.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:06 pm

I think -at least in my experience- it has a lot to do with change. When a guy is growing up his mom is sometimes his "go to" person and now its someone else. He suddenly stops taking all her advice and asking her opinion. Whereas a girl is different. Usually if a girl is close with her mother growing up she stays close with her mother. Dunno, thats just my experince and my mil makes sure to periodically remind me that my dh used to "talk to her and now he doesn't "

amother

Bronze

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:25 pm

amother wrote:

My MIL reminisces often in my presence about how great it was when my dh was single and would bring friends home for shabbos and yt all the time. I don't know if she liked having a house full of young men better than her grandkids plus me...

tichellady

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:29 pm

MY mil and me get along fine but it can be hard for me to see how much my husband is affected by her feelings. He is much more worried about hurting/offending her than me. I think that we have a healthier relationship than he does with her but I can't change their relationship which has its own history etc....

PinkFridge

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:33 pm

amother wrote:

cholenteater

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:37 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

I love my mil so much. I don't get the whole hate thing.

I appreciate her too.
I was going to post an analysis - that doesn't mean I don't appreciate her, it was just a summary of different points, opinions on how things occured etc.
I definitely do not hate my MIL at all

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:45 pm

It depends on the mil. I always wanted a good relationship with my mil but when I was engaged before I was even married my mil told me m any times that I never will be her daughter and I shouldn't even try to be. She didn't even give me a chance to get close to her. And she does treat her own daughter better and her daughter always comes first. so I don't even bother having. A close relationship with her. I feel bad for her because she is losing out not having a close relationship with her grandchildren but it was her choice.

Culturedpearls

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 8:55 pm

I hate this theme. I do not understand it at all. My MIL & I are very different. I love her & respect her & give her the same kavod as to my own mom.
I'm also a MIL to several wonderful young women. I was not looking for "rich, beautiful or perfect" I was looking for a perfect wife for each son. Perfect for him, not me. I love them all. They do not need to be like me (they aren't ), they do not need to agree with me.
The day they stood under that chuppa they became my daughters and that's that.
I feel no tension when they are in my home or I'm in theirs. If I'm not sure they like something I ask. They know they can be honest & not offend me.
I think too many people are nervous of a DIL/MIL relationship and don't act natural.