Mother in law -Daughter in law

spring13

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:01 pm

In my case, it's mostly a personality mismatch. We don't click on a personal level, we have nothing in common, and in many situations our opinions or ways of doing things are vastly different. I don't know exactly what she thinks, but I don't enjoy her company - like, if we didn't have this relationship essentially forced on us, we'd have nothing to do with each other.

I don't think she's a bad person and I hope she doesn't think that of me. But we're just not cut out to be friends, and trying to do things together takes a lot of effort.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:02 pm

OP I get along very well with my mil and I still think its a relationship one has to be careful with.

A mans mother is the single biggest female influence in his life other than his wife. This is obviously a situation of competition/"threat".

Otherwise we wouldn't be at all offended by their comments about child rearing or whatever. Somewhere inside us, we wonder if our husbands think the same way as their mothers.

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:11 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

I hate this theme. I do not understand it at all. My MIL & I are very different. I love her & respect her & give her the same kavod as to my own mom.
I'm also a MIL to several wonderful young women. I was not looking for "rich, beautiful or perfect" I was looking for a perfect wife for each son. Perfect for him, not me. I love them all. They do not need to be like me (they aren't ), they do not need to agree with me.
The day they stood under that chuppa they became my daughters and that's that.
I feel no tension when they are in my home or I'm in theirs. If I'm not sure they like something I ask. They know they can be honest & not offend me.
I think too many people are nervous of a DIL/MIL relationship and don't act natural.

I love your answer! I love people that you honestly feel that way about your daughter in laws. Its the type of relationship that I always imagined having with my m.I.l! Your daughter in laws are so lucky!

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:19 pm

amother wrote:

That is a really good point!!!

amother

Seashell

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:24 pm

I used to have a good relationship with my MIL.

Then I started having kids and she became a depressed empty nester and it changed everything. She has become really unpleasant to be around, even for her own children.

She doesn't care about my feelings and there have been some insane situations where it was really baffling how my feelings could totally not be on her radar. I think she doesn't like me because she is jealous that I am at the stage of life that was happiest for her-- raising young kids who are huggy and affectionate-- and she is now in this place where she doesn't feel needed by her kids so she tries to get involved in situations that are none of her business, and make things so much worse.

Sometimes I miss the days when we had a great relationship...and I still try..but she can be really ruthless and selfish.

At the end of the day she raised a great husband. I definitely resent her for some things she instilled in my husband that I have had to bear the brunt ("never ever worry about money, just do what your passionate about") and educate my husband how the real world works.

I have noticed that mother in law has hostile relationships with all the women in her life, so I probably shouldn't take it personally that she can be really inconsiderate of me.

workermom

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:26 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

All I can say after reading this post was - 'hey that sounds exactly like something my MIL would say about me'

I love my MIL - she took me on as a daughter from the second that she met me in the context of DIL (we knew each other from around before)... I wasn't even officially engaged and yet she came over to give me a hug and call me her daughter!
I am not like my MIL at all but yet, we both know we can voice our opinions and act like ourselves. If I was not able to be myself in their house then what???? I actually look forward to going over to their house and spending time with my MIL!!!!!!!!!!
My DH does go to his parents sometime and spends time with his Mom - bonus to living in the same city as you in-laws... I have no problem with that. I know she isn't trying to "get" her son. She just wants to spend some time with him, which is fine cuz I get him the rest of the time.
I do not understand the whole MIL/DIL thing.

The only other thing I can add here is: I love you Mom!!! Thank you for accepting me as your daughter (and giving me the best gift yet, my husband)!!!

kelsorino

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:42 pm

workermom wrote:

Awwww!!! That's so nice! Thank youbfor sharing!

Rubber Ducky

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:51 pm

kelsorino wrote:

Natural, not forced. And there's nothing to criticize... or maybe you're right, maybe that does mean neither of us gets insulted easily or stands on honor.

kelsorino wrote:

Do you live near by or far away?

Nearby.

kelsorino wrote:

Do they rely on you for anything or vs vs? How often do you see each other/talk to each other?

Just about every day. I babysit grandkids most days. We pick up grocery items for each other. Sometimes DDIL calls just to say hello or tell me something cute one of the kids said or did.

cnc

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 9:59 pm

kelsorino wrote:

I love hearing people who have great relationships with their inlaws its something I always wanted and am striving for.
Those of you who have great relationships with your in laws can you describe it? Do they criticize you and you just don't get insulted by it? Do you live near by or far away? Do they rely on you for anything or vs vs? How often do you see each other/talk to each other?

My mil never criticizes or interferes . I live nearby and we rely on each other for different things. She relies on me for certain yom tov foods 😄 and I rely on her and know that she's always available if I ever have an emergency and need a ride or childcare... or any favor basically. Nothing is ever a big deal fo her!

I see her at least once a week.

sourstix

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 10:35 pm

Well I have a super relationship with my mil. Dh has explained her to me and I have learned how to speak with her. I actually don't love her I just give her a lot of respect. I don't argue with her and that is the biggest secret to keeping a good relationship with her. She has no idea how many times I disagree with her and I just go along because I know that she will blow up other wise. All of this dh had experience with her and has learned how to get around with her and she doesn't even know what a lucky person she is for having such a son. She doesn't realuze to what extent dh will go just to have peace. She definitely helps us out a lot. She has helped me in many ways. But she is extremely difficult to get along g with.
I hope she is not on here, I hope that any mil that has a similar situation would appreciate such a son. And for the pits she gave him all his life she doesn't even deserve this respect but dh is such a kind person and smart because now my kids see what it means to respect parents.

She doesn't live nearby but she used to. She usually acts respectful. On occasion she will act up but I just let it fly by. She doesn't give me parenting advice. But she does in different areas. She tries to convince me on things and I usually agree and then do my own thing. Bikitzur she is complicated to say the least. But I know she likes me and I have heard it back from others. So it's worth the while. I do think it's worth to do a lot of things for peace. Because the heartache of not keeping peace is not worth it. You lose so much.
I don't mean those who are hostile and abusive.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 10:51 pm

I don't have a bad relationship with mil it's just not a great relationship. To put it mildly my mil isn't the sharpest tool in the shed and her social skills are severely lacking so she doesn't realize when things she says and comments on are totally inappropriate. It took a looooong time but I pretty much let it go except when it comes to my kids. My fil is extremely abusive and she covers for him she knows my kids are not allowed in her home if she wants to see them she must come to us I will not let my kids be around my fil who is emotionally abusive towards my husband and tells my kids how bad their father is. Mil doesn't get this and thinks if she takes them out for "pizza" but really takes them to her home they aren't going to tell me all the nasty things my fil says about my husband his son and their father.
Also my inlaws are extremely different then my parents. I was always brought up to be self sufficient. We where always taught to make sure we can support ourselves because what if god forbid something happens to dh. My inlaws brought up their 6 sons that they are gd and that their wives are supposed to bow down to them and stay home and cook and clean for them. My mil can't understand how I have an extremely profitable career and make dh do the laundry and watch the kids it's just a totally foreign concept to her.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 10:55 pm

My mother in law is a very nice person and never does anything mean or wrong. She is not critical, bossy, difficult or anything. All she does is compliment me and say nice things about me.

Unfortunately I can't stand her because she has mental illness and it makes it very difficult to deal with. She is not clean, she is always a wreck- her clothing are backwards or unzipped or slip is falling down etc. She is socially off and has weird mannerisms. She tells me 20 times a day how wonderful I am and it gets really annoying even though I know it stems from the illness and she can't help her social graces.

I feel even worse for disliking her because she is so nice and she can't help how terribly annoying and unkempt she is....

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:03 pm

I'm finding this thread interesting...
I live in the same city as my in laws and some of my sils (their daughters) and a huge hurt for me is how they treat us so differently, including my kids from their own daughters children. I find it incredibly hurtful. they will also go on outings with their daughters and grandchildren, but not us. I stopped inviting them years ago to go on outings with us or even come over because they never wanted to and I had to actively look for the good in them. There is a lot of good, too b'h. I had to really work on myself to appreciate the good they do for us and not compare because unfortunately my ils do many different types of things (good and bad) for each couple which I think ends up instilling jealousy. Not that they have to treat us the same... whatever. it took a lot of work on myself. I keep telling myself to be patient and accepting, what goes around comes around and all that, and I have a lot of sons and want nice daughter in laws one day!

amother

Plum

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:08 pm

There can be many reasons.

1) Some DILs need extra "warmth, caring etc."(hard to put this in words) to be able to feel comfortable and accepted etc. into the new (in law ) family, thus, the dil may be very sensitive and may expect the mil to be extra welcoming etc. in order to "feel part of the family" but not every mil knows how to make a complete stranger who may be opposite from her, really feel loved and a part of the family. It is a big change for both dil and mil, and change can put pressure/stress on...

2) Some mils have a hard time "letting go" such that the mil really is a threat and still expects the dh to always turn to her for advice and talking such that the mil really undermines the relationship and the dil feels like the marriage is between the dh and the mil instead of just between the dh and the dil.

3) Some people may be "nice" and "warm" in general, but may have a hard time "opening up her heart to really love/care for another person who may differ from everything she believes in". I never thought about this until I met my MIL. If I give her the benefit of the doubt, I really think she is not capable of opening her heart to really care for me. She has her favorites from her children, loves her daughters best, and she has never cared what I say such that when I explain how I feel, she gives me no sympathy, empathy etc... Unless she is selfish, maybe she is, I have to say that she is not capable of loving a girl who disagress with everything she believes in....that is not her daughter. Her heart is "closed".

4) Some mils are not interested in establishing a real relationship with their dil. All they are interested in is to have relationship with the grandchildren. Well, this may cause a dil to feel unloved and feel that she is not important, only her kids!!

amother

Rose

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:22 pm

I get along well with MIL. I shouldn't take any credit for it though, she is incredible. She accepted me 100% when we got engaged (we knew each other from around and she claims that she suggested the shudduch to DH before the shadchan had the idea. not sure if its true, but its flattering nonetheless.) I admire and respect her. She is extremely giving, respectful and understanding.

We live an hour apart. She never expects anything from me and appreciates any gifts or baked goods I bring her. She is always full of compliments, about me, anything I accomplish, and about the kids (ages newborn - 7YO), their behavior, their clothing, whatever she can think of to compliment, she does. She loves to help out by buying us things like cases of diapers, give us dry good out of her own pantry and tells us to take anything we want. she cooks for us sometimes, when I am expecting or postpartum, or around yom tov time. she offers to take DHs stuff to the cleaners when we visit, and often restocks him with undershirts or socks or shirts (he wears the same size and style as before we were married). I sometime feel uncomfortable not being more independent in her eyes, but DH's more well off siblings get the same treatment, so I try not to let it make me feel inadequate.

DH calls her for every little thing, if he isn't feeling well, gets a splinter, we get an unexpected medical bill and he wants to know how to deal with it, etc. It used to bug me, make it hard for me to respect him on some ways, but I came to realize that I owe so much to MIL and their relationship, so I work on those feeling and definitely do not discourage it.

She lets me sleep in when we come for shabbos, and loves to spend time with the kids. (they are really great kids, if I do say so myself). she doesnt expect me to help with the meal prep or cleanup, or clean up after the kids- of course I help as much as I am able in between the kids' needs anyway, and always make sure to clean up after them, but if it takes me some time to get to it, I know theres no pressure.

And the above is only about our specific relationship, she herself is a remarkable person- strong, sucessful and positive, in the face of some major life challenges. B"H I am so fortunate.

gold21

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:33 pm

I don't feel that it's necessary to be best friends with a mother in law. I don't think I have ever desired that type of relationship. If it would have happened that way, I would have been happy, but it didnt, but the relationship is mutually respectful, so I'm ok with it and I don't desire anything more.

I see my role as daughter-in-law as one where I don't interfere with her relationship with her son and her grandkids. I dont create issues or problems. She tries not to create issues or problems.

So we have a fine relationship, we are respectful of each other, we don't argue with each other, but no, I don't feel like I'm her daughter. And I'm ok with that.

Last edited by gold21 on Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Oct 19 2016, 11:36 pm

I HATE my Momnlaw! Shew! I said it.
She says whatever she likes and has complaints just about everything.
My other Sil disconnects an barely visits. I chose to not break ties. But it is murderous. After each visit I swear I will not come back. Poor husband! I bash his mom so badly. Ugggh. I hate that woman.
How can I stop myself? Whom else but dh shud I complain about her to. Not the type to bad mouth her to sisters or my mom.