Mother in law -Daughter in law

hotzenplotz

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 1:18 pm

I have a wondrerful mother in law. She is a gentle soul and never complains even though all her children except one daughter with a 6th floor apartment (without elevator) live in different cities than her. She raised my husband who does not click at all with her. (He is lebedig, does ten things at a time, fills up the room with his presence and is a leader wherever he goes.) My husband developed a beautiful relationship with her AFTER our marriage. Everybody please remember treat your mil as you will want your daughter in laws to treat you.

hotzenplotz

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 1:19 pm

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:01 pm

We live in 2 different countries but...
My mil is so special, always working on herself, going/ listening to shiurim. She's very generous - not necessarily with money, more like small gifts, useful gifts or cooked/ baked foods she knows we like. She tries not to ever comment on anything we do, and I appreciate that.
BUT: (and in spite of these, we have a great relationship. )
* She will NEVER babysit, she is very straight up that she has no patience for kids (or chaos), did her duty by having her own etc. (I have seen her watch my sil's kids (they live nearby) but never ours)
* Never ever calls, will sometimes whats app random things like a link to a shiur, has no patience for idle chatter but will speak to my husband, usually a 1 sided convo with him doing most of talking. Hates gossip.
*Is private to a fault. Even about things that don't make sense to be private about. By nature I am a very outgoing, happy, spontaneous person and I love to talk about anything and everything. She thinks I am slightly nuts. None of her kids are like that including my husband.

Like I said, we love her anyways and take what we can get.

amother

White

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

She sounds like a classic introvert. Read up on how to appreciate her personality type.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:29 pm

amother wrote:

Interesting. I never thought of that.
I mean, she has no trouble initiating conversation. Has many good friends, is a whiz in the kitchen etc.. To me, its not that she is uncomfortable initiating - but you never know.

Any ideas?

amother wrote:

* She will NEVER babysit, she is very straight up that she has no patience for kids (or chaos), did her duty by having her own etc. (I have seen her watch my sil's kids (they live nearby) but never ours)
* Never ever calls, will sometimes whats app random things like a link to a shiur, has no patience for idle chatter but will speak to my husband, usually a 1 sided convo with him doing most of talking. Hates gossip.
*Is private to a fault. Even about things that don't make sense to be private about. By nature I am a very outgoing, happy, spontaneous person and I love to talk about anything and everything. She thinks I am slightly nuts. None of her kids are like that including my husband.

sounds exactly how I will turn out as a mil. don't take it personally, it's personality. like I can see myself appreciating dil making the effort but honestly, then I have to reciprocate, I'd rather you leave me alone (I'll reach out when I want), send me cute pics of the kids and be ok with a non-gushing "cute" as a response

amother

Lilac

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:32 pm

amother wrote:

To get back to the original question: I think the relationship is fraught because it brings two women of different ages and possibly different personalities into a close relationship with no build-up. One day you're nothing to each other and the next day you're family. It can take years to understand the culture and dynamics of another family. To step into this with no preparation is hard work. Even kind people who want the best are likely to rub each other the wrong way when they are forced into close proximity.

If either woman is difficult (or worse, if both are!) you have a situation on your hands.

As someone on both sides of the equation, all I can say is respect each other, recognize that your in-law is a universe to herself, and let the relationship unfold naturally.

This is so true. The relationship is not easy.
I have a few DIL's. I try to make them comfortable in my house, visit them when they invite us and bring presents (I have to admit mostly for the grandkids), and never criticize. Two of them have been making life hard for me lately.
DIL one has very different standards of tznius than our family has. (When dh dated her I don't think he noticed some of this. Her family, mother sisters, are all similar yo my family.) My dh is not comfortable when she and our son spend Shabbat or chagim with us. Luckily he told me he wanted to speak to ds before he actually did. I insisted he not do so. We still have single sons at the table, almost adults themselves, and dh will complain to me under his breath when he thinks she can't hear which makes me panic in case she did hear something.
DIL two is extremely rigid strict with a sensitive toddler who seems to have sensory issues. I force myself not to say anything and again told dh, who also finds her behavior upsetting, that he's not allowed to speak to ds like he wants to.
I would never criticize a DIL who keeps house or cooks or runs her life differently than I do.
But the above two cases are very hard for me to deal with.
WWYD?

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:35 pm

amother wrote:

OMG totally her!! I guess she really is more of an introvert....

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 3:42 pm

I have great dils, and since we don't share a household I'm likely to continue thinking that. When dss started dating I decided to welcome whoever they brought home. So despite usually being on the critical side I purposely don't look too closely at anything dils do, even if I'd be annoyed at ds or dd for doing the same thing. When critical thoughts crop up I set them aside the way they teach you in meditation. Because I also know that my dils truly are terrific and are making dss happy, and any criticism reflects my intolerance, not their chisaron. They don't have to have opinions or practices identical to mine just as I didn't do everything the way my mil or even my mom did.