What do u call your mil & does it affect your relationship?

amother

Coral

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:40 am

Obviously a spinoff from the recent mil/dil thread... Curious if u think it has an impact. for example, my mil wanted me to call her mom before we got married but I had a very hard time doing so (I did try but it didn't stick at all, she is so different from my own mom and I felt it was a title that I was giving her that just wasn't hers... I know many people felt very differently from me.) Anyhow, many years later, I still don't call her mom and personally I feel that has saved our relationship! She treats her daughters differently from me, her grandchildren from her daughters very differently from my kids and I can keep telling myself 'well, she's my mil, I guess things are just different' and kind of look past it - if I called her mom, I would be furious!

imasinger

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:43 am

I hate favoritism.

But, just to play devil's advocate for fun, how do you know whether things might have been different if you called her Mom?

Tablepoetry

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:55 am

I call her by her first name as do most people I know in Israel.
I would hate calling her אמא. She is a nice lady but we have nowhere near a mother-daughter relationship. It seems so fake. I dont know anyone Israeli who calls their MIL אמא. I do know a few who use shvigger.
Anyway MIL is as Istaeli as they come and she would think אמא was really weird.

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:03 am

"Mom," because MIL wanted, and did not approve of being called by her first name.

She was not my mom, but my calling her by her preferred title demonstrated respect for her position in the family and did not detract from my relationship with my own mother.

MIL and I got along well enough. If I chose to disrespect her and call her by a different title after she made her wishes clear, who knows? It might have been different.

amother

Brown

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:08 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

We live in Israel for over 20 years and MIL and FIL live here for about 37 years. We all call them Ima and Abba, including their Israeli-born DILs. It says nothing about our relationship with them. We have nothing like a mother-daughter relationship.

Tablepoetry

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:15 am

amother wrote:

But originally your family culture is anglo?
I have been here most of my life and I really dont know any non-anglo Israelis who use אמא regardless of how good the relationship is.

amother

Brown

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:23 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

But originally your family culture is anglo?
I have been here most of my life and I really dont know any non-anglo Israelis who use אמא regardless of how good the relationship is.

Yes, but I have some very Israeli SILs whose parents are also Israeli and they also call MIL Ima.

I also have 100% Israeli friends and neighbors who call their MILs Ima. I think this is pretty standard in the Chareidi world.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:34 am

I call her mom. It was my decision. I didn't think calling her by her first name was respectful. I think my in laws found it a little weird at first but in a good way. I call my mother mommy. I get along with my mother in law. She welcomed me with open arms. I'm pretty sure her son-in-law calls her by her first name. She also welcomed him with open arms.

Tablepoetry

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:38 am

amother wrote:

I also have 100% Israeli friends and neighbors who call their MILs Ima. I think this is pretty standard in the Chareidi world.

That could be. I know mainly DL or secular circles. Though the (ashkenazi) charedim I am familiar with use shvigger....maybe they are just old fashioned.
Come to think of it the sephardi charedim I know do use אמא.

MiracleMama

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:53 am

I call my ILs by their first name as they requested. Honestly, I was hurt. I know that they didn't mean it to be hurtful. For them it's just normal. But my parents always called their ILs ma and ta or shviger and shver. Calling my ILs by first name seemed to me both distant and disrespectful at the same time. Over the years though I've adjusted and gotten used to it. I am extremely close with my MIL despite this.

Last edited by MiracleMama on Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:06 am; edited 1 time in total

MommyM

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:04 am

I have avoided calling her anything as I am a bit uncomfortable, but she would be fine with shvigger. In fact when she speaks to me regarding my FIL, she uses the term shver. My baby is little, but I cannot see my self calling her bubby if I am talking to her directly.

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:11 am

It seems it is hard to win on this one. I really hate the fake Mom and Dad names. I use nothing, Mom/Dad when there is no way out, and mostly prefer the names my kids use for their grandparents.

I always said that I wouldn't put my future ils through this, they can call me by my first name. Is a future il going to be resentful about that too? I wish I could call my mil by her first name. She is a nice lady, but she is not my mother.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 9:12 am

I call my mother, mom and my MIL, Ima.

She recently called when I was on the other line to my mother and she said, "It hurts me to hear you talk to your mother. I like to think that I am your mother, I don't like remembering that you have a different mother."

I was very disturbed by that comment. It's nice that you love me and all, but BH I have a mother whom I love very, very dearly- please don't wish her away for your own very selfish reasons.

Now I kind of wish I didn't call her Ima. Apparently it's too real for her.

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 9:51 am

I called my late MIL Mamá — her preference (she was from a Spanish-speaking country), or Nona, her preferred grandmother title. I was glad she wanted a name that wasn't what I called my own mother — but I would have called her Mom if that's what she wanted.

Wonderful DDIL calls me Ima or by my unique grandmother title, and calls her own mother Mom or Mommy, or Bubby in front of the kids.

essie14

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 9:51 am

amother wrote:

Excuuuuuse me? Your MIL "likes to think she is your mother"???
It hurts her that you have an actual mother????

If my MIL would say that to me, I think I might never speak to her again! That is immensely hurtful!

I hope your mother lives to 120, but after she is gone your MIL will still never be your mother!

Wow, I'm really sorry she said that to you.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 9:56 am

Being that I don't have a mother I couldn't call her mom, I didn't want to think of her as taking my mother's place.

At firate I didn't have a name for her. It was ahem, ahem, or excuse me... when I needed to ask her something. It was quite awkward. I felt like I needed to name her. Bh after having a baby, I now call her bobby!

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:11 am

My own parents I call Mommy and Tatty, Bubby and Zeidie to my children.
My ILs are Aba and Ima, Saba and Safta to my children.

I found it an easy and natural transition since what I call my parents is different than what I call my ILs..
For my future DILs and SILs, I'll let them choose on their own what they feel comfortable with. I understand how it can be uncomfortable calling strangers mom and dad.

moonbeam

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:16 am

I call mil by her first name. This is what all the other dil and sils call her and was started before I came along (Dh is the baby in his family). I don't think it affects my relationship with her on way or the other. She's an amazing lady and we get along great. In truth, in the beginning I would have been uncomfortable calling her Mom but at this point I would happily call her mom if she wanted me to.

cholenteater

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:39 am

I made the decision that I would call her mommy the moment we got engaged, otherwise I don't think it would have been an easy transition. When we called her to let her know it was official, I called her mommy on the phone. My mother is Ima, so I couldn't call my MIL Ima. Some of her children do, but some don't so it was fine. The day I called her Ma (instead of mommy) she cried. She was so happy that I felt comfortable enough, and has said to me often that she considers me her daughter.