How do you word your request for help from your children?

amother

Gray

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:49 am

When I say, "Sweetheart, would you mind washing the dishes?" DH says that I shouldn't ASK because then it gives them the right to say that they don't want to, and they shouldn't have that right. They always listen to me that way though.

When I say, "Darling, please wash the dishes," DH says that I shouldn't say "please" to them since that makes it seem like there's another option. They always listen to me that way too though.

So what IS the right way to word your requests for household help from your kids? I feel rude saying, "Honey, wash the dishes." I feel like despite their obligation to help out, they do deserve respect. And they do respect me enough to listen no matter how politely I voice my requests.

imasinger

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 6:55 am

IMO, in general, your DH is right about not giving them a choice when it's a direction, but wrong about using the word "please".

But since you are blessed with children that comply either way, he is quibbling over nothing.

You are very fortunate, and must be doing a great job parenting.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:03 am

imasinger wrote:

You are very fortunate,

and must be doing a great job parenting.

First statement - true
Second - false.

May be. In fact highly probable. But not "must".

amother

Maroon

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:33 am

Please be role model for your kids and use please and thank you.
Wouldn't you want your kids to say please and thank you to you.
Sometimes if I want them to do something for me I may ask
"Who wants to win Gan Eden?"
It makes more sense in Spanish.
I guess it's a saying

imasinger

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 7:51 am

amother wrote:

First statement - true
Second - false.

May be. In fact highly probable. But not "must".

Off topic, amother, but I'm wondering if English is your first language.

In this context, there would be some sense of condition implied. "Must" wouldn't mean "absolutely has to be.". More like "is highly likely to be."

And speaking of language, maroon amother, would you please post the Gan Eden saying in Spanish? I think I want to learn that expression; I really like it!

heidi

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:24 am

B"H my children are always willing to help.
Children are human beings. I think it would be incredibly disrespectful not to say please or thank you. And you should really mean it. I am grateful that my children help me out.

Seas

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:35 am

I recently read that the Brisker Rav (I think it was R' Chaim) would make a point of never requesting anything from his children, only commanding. He explained that he didn't want to take away the mitzvah of kibbud available va'eim by making it optional.

cnc

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:45 am

Seas wrote:

That's a nice story.

In any case, children learn by example so while I don't say "Chaya, do you want to wash the dishes?"... I will say "Chaya, please wash the dishes today " and not " Chaya ,wash the dishes!"

For some reason in my mind command is a strong way of talking...

amother

Wine

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 8:53 am

I use the word please and when they don't do it because they think please is considered a question, I tell them I was being polite, but they don't have a choice.

moonstone

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:00 am

My kids are really good about helping, and I almost always say please and thank you. I don't see how being polite makes them think they have a choice. I make a point of being nice because I want to convey that even though they don't have a choice about doing chores, I don't think of them as my personal slaves. They're people too, and deserve politeness- even from their parents. Very Happy

amother

Gray

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:08 am

Thanks for all the replies.

About saying please, my DH claims that he learned in his chinuch course he took many years ago that you shouldn't use please when you talk to children. However, that was a teachers' course, not a parenting course, so that might have something to do with it. In any case, I've always had trouble accepting it and always tell my kids please and thank you and they seem to reciprocate.

Regarding asking in a question ("Could you please wash the dishes?"), like Essie said, my kids don't really take it as a question. They know there's no choice in the matter.

To those who commented on my parenting, while I do appreciate the compliments, I have to admit that I have been blessed with exceptionally polite and well-behaved children, and I can't take credit for that. I think I do a decent job parenting, but my kids are truly amazing on their own.

SixOfWands

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 10:14 am

amother wrote:

First statement - true
Second - false.

May be. In fact highly probable. But not "must".

Really?

Can you explain what on earth would prompt you to tell someone that maybe she's not a very good mother, just a lucky one?

SRS

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:02 pm

Can't say anything necessarily works over here each time and everytime, but if you're husband doesn't like "please" in the wording, always say thank you after the job is done and express your appreciation. And instead of "please xyz" try "I need you to wash the dishes."

SRS

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:05 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Really?

Can you explain what on earth would prompt you to tell someone that maybe she's not a very good mother, just a lucky one?

Can't speak for her, but I haven't found that parents with more compliant children are necessarily better parents. I would not point out such a thing, however, because that is odd. But if a parent has a kid that complies, they are very fortunate and are experiencing some mazal.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Oct 20 2016, 12:10 pm

I always use polite words, but a request is not negotiable.

I read in a parenting class that you shouldn't say "please" because it invites argument, but I totally disagree. I want DD to be polite to me, so that is what I model. Now that she's a teen, it's especially important!

Sometimes she'll say "Why?" and I'll say "Because I said so, and because I said please." There are times when she'll bark an order at me, like "Get me a glass of water!" and I'll tell her "That is not a nice way to ask. Can you think of a better way to say that?" She'll then say "Mama, could you please bring me a glass of water?" and I will jump up to do it. I tell her "Because you asked nicely, I am always happy to do things for you. See how that works?" It's the adult way of saying "What the magic word?". That way, she sees that when someone says "please", it means to run to do a mitzvah.

People are not dogs, where you can just tell them to "Sit" and "Stay". Everyone likes to be treated with dignity and respect. Where are they going to learn it, if not from you?