Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Chunky 8 yr old girl - HELP!
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 6:46 pm
My daughter is getting increasingly pudgy. I tend to be very concerned about it since I have struggled with weight my whole life and want her to avoid following my path. I also am sensitive about how to approach this specifically because of this too. My parents were awful about fat shaming me and it never helped, probably made things worse. Compounded is the fact that my other kids are skinny. Not normal weight but actually skinny. They can eat everything and anything and stay emaciated looking. I really don't know how to handle this. Do I say nothing, put the whole family on a health kick, ban junk food from the house, increase everyone's exercise? When my skinny kids are asking for 2nd and 3rd portions or snacks do I give them but not give her? Do I have to deprive everyone just to save her feelings and risk that my other kids are going hungry? Do I have to go ahead and have a talk with DD about the situation and my worry for her? 8 is so young. I don't want her to feel bad, embarrassed or stress about such things. I really am at a loss of how to handle this. But to ignore it and hope she grows out of the weight would seem totally negligent on my part. Her tummy is protruding greatly the last couple months and her face/ neck have really pudged up too. I want to help her nip this in the bud, not spend her life fighting obesity like I am doing.

Please help!!!!
Back to top

shirachadasha




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 7:08 pm
Present the concern as coming from the doctor. This way she won't feel like your scanning her every move or looking to shame her.
See an endocrinologist who specializes in this area.
Back to top

unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 7:17 pm
If you serve mostly healthy foods and snacks then you can basically allow your kids to take as much as they want because they will learn to follow body signals. Junk food is addictive and always leaves you reaching for more. Your chunky kid doesn't need it and your skinny kids don't need it.
A good rule at meal times is to allow doubles of the protein and salad but not the starch as that turns to sugar in the body
Unless you see her eating abnormal amounts, you should treat her just as you do your other kids and if she complains that she is heavier than everyone else, please reassure her that she is not fat and as long as she eats when she's hungry and stops when she's full and gets enough exercise a day, she will be perfectly fine...
Also, when you place restrictions on sugar it's important to explain that when you eat junk you don't feel good and when you snack in healthy food you are giving your body more koach to get through the day. Don't say we don't eat that cuz it's fattening etc
Also, when you bake for Shabbos, choose recipes that are high in eggs and lower in sugar and oil. Most recipes can handle the sugar and oils being reduced...
Back to top

amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 7:22 pm
Shaming or differentiating will backfire.
Do it as a family health concern. We all want to eat healthier. Not a weight issue. Don't stigmatize or project your negative experiences.
You are afraid of portion control. Let them snack seconds and thirds on things you don't have to worry about: veggies. Fruits. But it will only work if you don't have other options in the house. They don't want? Then they don't really need. And you might find that within a few weeks with only such options , they actually have a 360 degree turn around and enjoy it.
Same at meals. Make a limited amount of portions so that there is not enough for seconds - except salad or veggies. If anyone is hungry they can take as much as they want. No one is hungry and no need to worry.
And don't cut out treats entirely. It will backfire. Shabbos, special occasions, celebrations give them something special that they love. Especially your eight year old. With a smile. But only buy enough for the occasion in sensible proportion. Then there is no need to worry about amounts. There is no more. You are hungry? Would you like a fruit or veggie to nosh on ?
Back to top

Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 7:29 pm
unexpected wrote:
If you serve mostly healthy foods and snacks then you can basically allow your kids to take as much as they want because they will learn to follow body signals. Junk food is addictive and always leaves you reaching for more. Your chunky kid doesn't need it and your skinny kids don't need it.

I strongly agree with this. My kids have free access to a snack shelf. It has nuts, seeds, and brown rice crackers. For a "treat" I'll make them kale chips or popcorn (all homemade, so I control the ingredients). My fridge has no junk food in it, no sugary yogurts, sodas, fruit drinks, nothing. So of my kids reach in for a snack, I know they're just going for a piece of fruit, or string cheese, or plain yogurt.

I think kids having free access but to healthy foods is really important. Portion control, limitations, that triggers something in us that just "wants more."

(I say this also as someone with weight issues who is terrified of my kids developing the same relationship with food as I have. But so far, this approach is really working)
Back to top

amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 8:04 pm
The most important is that you are treating her with respect and not fat shaming so lol hakovod!
DH is obese and his whole life he was tortured by his mother about how heavy he is and it made him feel even worse. He would sneak food to make himself feel better and his self esteem plummeted.
I think healthy lifestyle is for the entire family just because your other children are thin does not mean they can't benefit from a healthier lifestyle.
Some rules:
No juice
No soda
Limit sugar cereals
Buy very limited quantity of snacks and keep them healthier. You can't deprive a child of regular snack food for school but choose healthier options (healthy kinds of popcorn, spelt pretzels, rice cakes..)
Always have a healthy snack waiting when kids get home from school. Cut fruit or cut veggies so they don't go to the snack cabinet.
Meals should have a very limited amount of carbs. Fill up on yummy veggies and a soup and salad so no one needs to extra serving of rice.
Teaching healthy eating habits will hopefully go a long way.
Back to top

amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 8:13 pm
Thank you.
I do try very hard already to keep things relatively healthy here. There is no candy or soda or juice in the house ever. Our junk is things like potato chips and crackers. Shabbos I do bake or buy some cake or cookies having in mind that it's a once a week treat, but it doesn't end up that way. They take some erev shabbos, again after shabbos dinner, first thing shabbos morning, again after lunch, after 3rd meal.... after havdallah.... and if there is still more they keep going until it's gone. I keep saying we will do fruit only for dessert but DH ends up buying something. He likes to have something with his coffee and unlike my kids he is satisfied with a tiny piece ONCE in the day. But I have to work on him to just stop it I guess. Or hide it better.
Anyhow, so if I am serving a fairly healthful meal of say, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, chicken drumsticks and sweet potatoes.... I should not care if she is taking significantly more of everything than her siblings? What about snacking on fruit? Fresh fruit is healthy, but should it be limitless.... 2 bananas and an apple in one stretch is okay for an 8 yr old? Or two apples with cheese or almond butter (no sugar added variety) okay for snack?
Back to top

malky800




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 8:20 pm
I can empathize, I have the same thing. My daughter is now 12.
The most important in not shaming her and she has told me back is to make sure it's a family thing and not just her.
The whole family doesn't have cakes for dessert around because it's unhealthy and not just because she is fat.
It was very helpful for us to take her to a nutritionist for a few sessions. Honestly, it's very hard to keep up what she said on a small kid, but it did put things in perspective, and I was able to judge better what was allowed and what was too much.
we base things more on a calorie or carb count.
It was hardest for me that I was able to control what I gave her in the house, but I knew at such a young age, out of the house, in school, candy at bnos, it was out of my control and I learnt to just accept that until she will be older to care about it on her own.
Back to top

unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 8:23 pm
I think if she eats a huge healthy snack and it keeps her full for a couple of hours, it's probably fine. If she keeps coming back for food I would talk to the pediatrician
Also, I think it's okay to say "are u hungry or bored?" Or "u already had a snack, now you ha have to wait for Supper" etc. Just make sure you are focusing on healthy eating habits, not weight per say
In regards to her taking more supper, I would let her load up on as much steamed vegetables and chicken as she wants, and explain that the sweet potato will become sugar in her body and it's important to limit sugar intake because it takes away our energy. This is assuming that the chicken is not loaded with sugar or fried...
Back to top

baschabad




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 8:46 pm
I have the same situation. My 8 year old daughter is fat and all of the boys are skinny.
She has pointed it out herself even, saying that she has chunky legs.
I have spoken about body image with the kids as a social issue but not in reference to their personal weight.

I haven't changed anything in my house in terms of eating, but when my daughter comes for second and third helpings of carbohydrates (which she does) then I'll tell her that a fruit or vegetable is a better idea.
She also likes gymnastics and swimming, so she's getting exercise.

Neither my husband or myself are fat, so she might grow out of it, but she might not. So as long as she is healthy I try not to focus on it.
Back to top

amother
Linen


 

Post Sun, Oct 30 2016, 10:16 pm
Be careful about your skinny kids... I am that skinny sibling. My more pudgy sister resents that fact- I can eat tons of nosh and not gain weight BH. Even after a few kids I haven't gained weight (but obviously changed shape... I don't look like a little girl.)

I resented my sister though. She was why I couldn't have juice or the snacks I liked. I had to "suffer" with low calorie snack options, dressings, and worse tasting fat free stuff. I liked and ate tons of vegetables but had to beg to get "good dressing" or whatever it was at the store because it wasn't fair to my overweight sister.
Don't punish the siblings. They will realize why you are on a health kick. Be fair and reasonable.
Back to top

amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 2:45 am
As someone who grew up overweight and is constantly struggling with eating/weight issues here are some personal revelations.. I am not going to call it advice because I don't want to tell you what to do nor do I think my specific experience can be generalized to everyone. here is what I would do...



First of all, I want to tell you this as a note of warning... and chas v'shalom I am not suggesting at all that you are at risk for this... so... I have always resented my mother for being disappointed in my looks and wishing I would lose weight. It was difficult to feel that I can't share her greatest passion in life -- shopping -- too.. It created a distance between us that remains to this day even though I am an adult with my own children...

If I had a daughter I would give her the healthiest possible eating environment.... Mediterranean diet/japanese... (I am serious:) anything that involves healthy proteins AS much as she wants, veges, fruits, organic dairy sprouted bread! ... I don't care about the money when it comes to getting rid of poisonous chemicals that are in our food... Why do you think that obesity rates are thru the roof? The food is engineered so we would want more... I am talking about carbs... cookies... all carbs are problematic today. ANYTHING that comes out of a package should be very seriously scrutinized EVEN if it is gluten free... etc.. whole wheat lies.. etc. there is a lot of stuff to examine and reexamine..

I would do all this behind the scenes,, so my daughter does not feel deprived and restricted in this way... she is too young.. take my daughter apple picking, go outside A LOT.. to appreciate nature... herself her body and her life... Talk about the fact that Hshem gave us a body for our neshama so we can serve him. How disappointed Hshem is when He sees how we treat ourselves and put all kinds of junk into our body... Go to every frum home and see how much cola and other nosh is ingested...

I would say nothing to my daughter about food or weight. I would dance with her, sing with her, draw with her... go on hikes and love her... I would pour out my heart to Hshem that she should be healthy in body, mind and spirit. I would NEVER mention weight and I would tell her that she is so beautiful and intelligent, and good.. and that I am so lucky to have a daughter like that... I would give her more and more and more... and more love because some children need more

In other words, clean up what goes inside our family's bodies... get busy with life, love my children even more and be grateful to HKBH that I have children... But, junk does not belong in our bodies... we have to do our histadlut and get rid of it... cholent that has been cooking 24 hours?// kishka??? so much meat?? shnitzel (I live in Israel it is very popular here)

There are many interesting books on the market and if you respond here I will post again with more info... but what I said here is really common sense... Yetzer hara wants to numb us with food and eating and there is way too much eating in America "l'shem shamaim"" ...
Back to top

amother
Lime


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 4:10 am
I have compulsive overeating issues, so I need to stop myself from eating any sugar. The kids want to have dessert on shabbat, so what I do is every week I make a tiny batch of cupcakess- 1 pan with six cupcakes, so that my (3) kids could have one each after the shabbat dinner and after lunch. There is no way for me to sneak any, because then my kids won't have so it's a real deterrent.

My kids aren't overweight but I am and I have dealt with fat shaming parents and older siblings. Make sure any siblings are not teasing her it is so damaging!

I try so hard to keep food about nutrition and eating healthy and nothing at all to do with weight. Whenever I think someone is overeating I gently remind them- are you sure you still have room? think for a minute. I explain how our bodies sometimes takes some time to realize we've eaten and so we always have a 5-10 minute break between courses or between eating firsts and seconds.
Or, I won't let my child eat three bananas in a row (even though he loves them) , and I'll explain to him that he'll have a stomach ache if he does.
Back to top

amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 5:32 am
I hear what everyone here is saying, but no one here has mentioned exercise at all.
I believe that one can have a little bit of junk, if he/she burns it off.

IMO, the family needs to do activities together that will burn calories.
Take a jog, bike ride, join swimming, a dance class. Active everyday is the way to go.

I'm not saying eating healthy is not important. Start meals with lots and lots of veggies, preferably raw. A veggie soup is also a good filler, blending it makes it taste creamy. You can use homemade full fat dressing, just use less, and make it extra strong, so a little goes a long way.
After they have filled up with raw veggies, as much as they want, then dinner, a small portion of a healthy starch and a healthy protein.
If this is how you eat then a small piece of junk after, IMO, is ok, as long as your family, even the skinny ones, exercise it off right after.

Your skinny ones, as well as your chunky on need to build muscle.

I agree with the poster that said to make very small amounts.

It's a lot of work, but you have more control if you make your own snacks.

Also limit fruit and juices. There is very little difference between the sugar of fruit or other forms of sugar. Yes fruit has vitamin C, etc, but it also has lots of sugar.
Back to top

amother
Magenta


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 5:49 am
Only read OP so sorry if repetative-
I was that 8 year old girl as a child. It's not even like I ate more than my siblings. I remember getting full after a half of slice of pizza (my metabolism is really slow and I do not need a lot of food) but I figured eat it anyways because you're anyways fat! My mother would "whisper" and excuse her fat child. I felt like she was embarrassed near me. When friends would come over she would give them tons of nosh and tell me to not eat it. All it did was made my weight issue worse and worse.
I am now in the same boat where most of my children are normal weight and my 8 yr DD is chubby. She doesn't even eat a lot. She likes sugary stuff but doesn't eat a lot. It's a big build. What I do is encourage her to drink water before the soda (on shabbos) not to get "dehydrated". And it is true that when thirsty eat more junk, so encouraging drinking water to ALL my kids. I do not treat her any differently. I am trying to work on my own emotional eating so my kids will hopefully follow...and the main thing is: I buy her beautiful clothing!!!! I spend a lot of money on her shoes (which she is hard on), beautiful headbands, shabbos robes and I spend hours trying to find her an outfit that is beautiful and slendarizing. I try no to get anxious in the store when we are there for 2 hours and trying to get at least one shabbos outfit. I remember those days of shopping with my Mom Erev YT....so shameful!
SO in summary, I really thing helping her feel good and ignoring all food stuff and reducing shame and anxiety around food is the best chinuch/gift you can give her!!!
Back to top

amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 6:13 am
I was the chubby kid in my family. My mother constantly fat shamed me and hid food from me to stop me from eating them. She also took me to the pediatrician who told her that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was fine but that didnt stop her from fat shaming me or hiding food from me. My mother made me feel horrible about myself and my body. She never explained puberty to me, never explained that people come in all shapes and sizes with some people being skinny and some people being bigger boned, etc. I was also not allowed to play any sports and exercise was unheard of. She did not put me in therapy or have me see a nutritionist either. So I ended up feeling horrible about myself and sneaking food to eat my emotions.
As an adult, I struggle with overeating and weight and have been to a lot of therapy to try to overcome what my mother did to me. And I learned that I was not a fat child (I wasn't the skinniest either but I was healthy and that is all that mattered) but that she was projecting herself onto me. She was not the skinniest person and her husband (my parents are divorced) was extremely obese (he developed diabetes later on in life) but she couldn't control him so she projected that onto me as a way to vent her frustrations on someone. Its sad that she did it because it caused a lot of damage to myself and my relationship with her that we were never able to reconcile.
Please don't do that to your daughter. If you struggle with weight/food issues then see a therapist to resolve them. Involve your entire family in planning and cooking healthy meals and snacks. Have them all join sports or fun exercise classes like swimming, karate, basketball, (start a team if there is nothing available in your area) or whatever they would feel like they would enjoy. Work with a nutritionist to develop a healthy meal plan. See a family therapist to ensure that there is nothing going on with anyone and that everyone in the family is happy and healthy (that would take the pressure of the 8 year old but would also allow you to see if she needs more individualized therapy as well). Whatever you do, do not fat shame her, do not treat her differently than the other kids, do not make her feel like there is something wrong with her or her body. Hug her, tell her she is beautiful, make sure she is dressed nicely, and accept her for who she is because there is nothing wrong with her or her body even if you don't feel that way.
Back to top

tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 6:15 am
I was that girl! Now I have my own and I cant imagine my mothers pain. But Im going to follow exactly how she treated me cuz by the time I graduated and kept it off till after baby #2 I was a beautifull sz 6-8. My mother never said a word to me!! NEVER! She always had the basic healthy nosh. Pretzels and popcorn. Cookies and cake was always readily in the freezer. Soda was only diet soda, and juice she didnt limit. Her theory was I should become aware of my looks completely on my own. The first time I started dieting was when I was an 8th grader. I was a childrens 20 at the time! Throughout high school I had my ups and downs but again by the time I graduated I was a sz 6-8.
I feel its a real nisoyan for parents to have heavy children. I didnt realize it untill now when I have 2 such kids. Its murder! And I sometimes feel complexed abt it. Thats why I now pay extra attention to my daughters looks and I make sure she has nice clothing and always looks "just so".
Back to top

amother
Ecru


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 6:31 am
amother wrote:
Thank you.
I do try very hard already to keep things relatively healthy here. There is no candy or soda or juice in the house ever. Our junk is things like potato chips and crackers. Shabbos I do bake or buy some cake or cookies having in mind that it's a once a week treat, but it doesn't end up that way. They take some erev shabbos, again after shabbos dinner, first thing shabbos morning, again after lunch, after 3rd meal.... after havdallah.... and if there is still more they keep going until it's gone. ...I should not care if she is taking significantly more of everything than her siblings? What about snacking on fruit? Fresh fruit is healthy, but should it be limitless.... 2 bananas and an apple in one stretch is okay for an 8 yr old? Or two apples with cheese or almond butter (no sugar added variety) okay for snack?


When you buy less there is less to nosh on. So buy just for shabbos day. If they finish it before - there's non left. Eventually They will get the idea That there really is no more and have only that once. If you need to , hide dhs portion. But having something hidden is much worse message than there isn't any. We don't need anymore.

And loading up on fruits and veggies at that age is no problem. My kids can eat four whole fruit in a morning. Say An apple, pear banana and kiwi.
Cheese is something that the body processes differently fat you are going to want to limit so perhaps it doesn't go in the same category .
Only make sure what there is to nosh on doesn't have added oils, sugars white flours etc.
Back to top

amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 8:15 am
I think you should concentrate more on movement and less on food.
Back to top

amother
Wheat


 

Post Mon, Oct 31 2016, 8:50 am
Regarding your 8 year old wanting seconds and thirds- maybe ask a nutritionist or doctor (not in DD's presence) to make sure she is getting enough food.
So what if your child is a bit chubby, the most important is that she has unconditional love from her mom no matter what. Healthy self esteem goes way further than a healthy body.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Baby girl names with Hashem's name in it
by amother
10 Today at 4:52 pm View last post
by Tao
Toddler girl sneakers
by amother
0 Today at 4:33 pm View last post
S/o Top BY school for girl with HFASD
by amother
20 Today at 3:38 pm View last post
Did anyone get accepted to girl’s high school?
by amother
9 Today at 2:15 pm View last post
Smelly feet - 10 year old girl
by amother
4 Yesterday at 6:45 pm View last post