Straight from the Heart

ClaRivka

Wed, Nov 02 2016, 11:33 pm

Hi Everybody,
I've been thinking about you all over the years. As you know my last post was about my father passing away. As some of you know I divorced my husband of 6 years a couple months before that. It was a very hard time for me. I immediately moved back to Yerushalayim where I felt was the only place I belonged. Things really went down hill from there and because I am an open book you are all privy to what happened because I owe you all an explanation.

I was too emotional to continue on my column in Ami Magazine "Girl on a Diet". I was so proud of it....and they wouldn't let me have it back....

I met people I should not have had anything to do with ever.

I dated a man from Ramallah and received antisemitism first hand. (I believe it was because said man's maternal grandmother was Jewish and they didn't want any reminders of the horrible act their father did back in the 1950's with a jewish girl named Rivka from Givat Shaul.

As my fathers death had had such a horrible impact on me I wanted to get as far away from anything that reminded me of him. And that meant anything to do with learning, davening, shabbes, everything that was holy since he was such a holy man.

Years before I had learned that my biological father was Arab. But now seemed like a good chance to check out that part of me. So, I did. I was the first Jewish student accepted into two schools located in East Jerusalem. I told them to forget my very obviously Jewish last name and that I was one of them.

I then moved to Tel Aviv with my arab boyfriend where I was completely removed from Judaism and experienced racism as an "arab woman".

Eventually things dissipated with the Arab men in my life and I moved on. I opened my own company in Tel Aviv and was doing well. Strong and independent with no sign of any religion around. The "right" one, the "wrong" one, it didn't matter. These things were not for me. I wanted to wear my sundress and go to the beach and do what I wanted.

I started to date Jewish men and soon realized the second I mentioned anything arab I would hear nothing but racist banter. If you hate all arabs you must hate me too for we share the same blood.

I wanted nothing more to do with Israel and the Zionist Entity that hated my people so much. So I moved. To Egypt. I threw out my company and took a loss on my penthouse overlooking the sea to get away from these hateful people who wouldn't just let me be.

I chose Egypt because the sun in the Sinai peninsula was supposed to shine all year round and the sea was blue. And the life- extremely cheap. Plus, it was close to my best friends just over the border if ever I wished to visit.

Six months dreaming about a life I wanted. I wanted to see the world and party in Amsterdam and sit on a beach in Thailand and trek the jungles in Sri Lanka. How though? I moved yet again after $40k worth of jewelry was stolen from my house.

I felt as if I had lost a limb. My clothes, my jewelry, my shoes. I had always said that people come and go. They die, they hurt you; Things will never leave you. Well....here I was penniless and without any of those things I cherished so much. I did not know what to do. I guess I had to try to build myself back up again. Again. Always again.

I moved to Dubai. There's something about the Middle East I cannot get away from. I moved there and had dreams like everyone who lands in Dubai. Money. Lots of it. Long story short, there was no money in the cards for me in Dubai. I had to go somewhere, but where?

My mother suggested anywhere in the EU with socialized medicine, where English is a prominent language, and I could get a job and get healthy and hopefully find happiness. But I had too much stuff. Not just my 30kg suitcases I've been lugging around from country to country, but everything that I feel. Everything that I think. I must say it, get it off my chest, and let it go. I'm currently in Miami with my mother and her new husband in their retirement community trying to sort through everything that has happened over the past 4 years. I could go further back but honestly, I don't think I have time to go back into thinking about my marriage, or my mil, or my infertility.

I'm tired. I want to go home. And yet, I don't know where that is or who that includes.

Today's talk with my mother included leading up to the decision that America is not for me in any other capacity than a short trip to go shopping and to give my nieces and nephew much deserved hugs.

It's so funny, while sleeping on my brother couch for a week my niece repeatedly asked me where Home was. I sort of just pointed to my suitcase opened up by her trundle bed. She's 7 years old and doesnt even remember my ex husband, her "feter yossi". It's a whole 'nother lifetime ago.

There's so much to write, so many details of the past 4 years. But the point of this post was supposed to be to apologize. To all of you.

During my 6 depressing years of marriage you were all there for me. At every hour of every day. I could not live without texting one of you. it's a good thing we all span the globe so I had someone to talk to at any time of the day or night.

Especially the women in the Chassidishe Velt and the Infertility Forums. I would not have SURVIVED without you. You literally took me in and made me feel so welcome. Even into your homes in BP and Monsey, Lakewood and Williamsburg.

I am so sorry for how I treated you after my divorce. Where did I stay the weekend after my divorce? The weekend I said goodbye to my father for the last time? The weekend I went on my first shidduch date after the divorce? In YOUR home!!! And I have completely abandoned you. I left everybody. I deleted everyone from Facebook. I changed my number and never told anyone where you could find me. I didn't answer PM's or emails.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am. You have all been amazing and I'm sorry I was only a taker and not a giver in our relationships.

As you can guess, I still have MANY things to work through. I started saying morning brachos every morning and lighting shabbes candles (truth be told, I never really stopped lighting candles..)

I have my friends I grew up with who all live in Israel now and they accept me for who I am at whatever stage I'm at and I'm so grateful for them. As I said before, I do not know where I will end up but seeing as I always go back to Israel I am certain I'll be there again soon. (waiting for a word back from a job I interviewed for before Rosh Hashana.

All I want now is to be surrounded by the people I love and hopefully soon share life with someone who truly loves me back. (if you know anyone in the modern orthodox lite or traditional spectrums... Wink

)

I hope you've all been fine and your kids are as loud and as busy as ever! And I look forward to reconnecting with you all here and offline.

I love you guys and once again (I can't say it enough) I'm Sorry.

100

ra_mom

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 1:14 am

ClaRivka, it's so great to hear from you!
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. Your story is surreal and I admire your ability to keep getting up and building again.
I hope that things look up for you and that you find peace and a place to call home.
We've missed you so much here and you are thought of often. Hug

seeker

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 1:26 am

Clarivka, we missed you. Even me - I'm absolutely terrible at keeping track of people especially with all the faceless usernames around here but even I thought of you from time to time, like when an old post would be revived with your generally enjoyable comments.

It was generous of you to decide to share your update. With that attitude, I am sure that many of the friends you left will shed any hard feelings they may have felt at your disappearance and will still be there for you. They were probably more worried than upset in the first place.

I hope you will stick around and gain strength and clarity. I'm going through some hard times too and I find that in between all the silly things, we can all support each other here.

I'm so sorry to hear how hard it's been for you but I'm happy to see you back in touch. Hug

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 1:52 am

Clarivka, I had always wondered where you dropped off to. Im happy to hear that you are trying find your way back, to wherever or whatever that may be. If you are in Israel, try to get access to the Israel forum. Us ladies will welcome you with open arms Smile

myself

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 11:42 am

Welcome back ClaRivka, both literally and figuratively. I'm sorry you've been through so much in the past few years but I'm glad it's now the past. Know that you've been missed!

Here's to wishing you a much more smooth-sailing future, with happiness, serenity, and good health.

It's a great reminder that whilst we continue to write and share, there are posters who are struggling enormously behind the façade of their screen names. Many of whom are not as open or forthcoming as ClaRivka.

ClaRivka

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 11:59 am

Good morning! Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm happy to be back and its nice to hear that I was noticed Smile

If there is anyone struggling with anythng- I have been and seen and done it all- there is no judgement when you talk to me...feel free to message me!

finallyamommy

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 1:15 pm

Welcome back! I think I joined right around when you left, but I do recognize your name from the infertility forum.

PinkFridge

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 1:32 pm

Wow. Thank you for sharing. I passionately support the use of amother but when someone courageously shares so much and wants to help others from what she's learned, well, hat's off (figuratively, of course Tongue Out

) to you!
I wish you a journey of discovery, simcha, all the kochos you need, inner and material resources, and menuchas hanefesh.

flowerpower

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 2:27 pm

Hi Rivky!!!!! Welcome back!! So nice to hear from you!

Happymum21

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 2:45 pm

Dear Rivky

Don't look for people, don't look for places, but please just look inside yourself and discover what a beautiful person you are...this is all you need in life.

Good luck on your journey

ClaRivka

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 7:02 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Hi Rivky!!!!! Welcome back!! So nice to hear from you!

I miss you!!!

anonymrs

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 8:10 pm

I've been thinking about you from time to time, always wondering what happened to you. I'm glad you're back, this time to stay!! Welcome back!

Mama Bear

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 8:19 pm

ohmygosh!!!
Your post made me cry and laugh!
Cry because... after you disappeared off the face of the earth I was stunned and concerned.
I "facebook stalked" you from time to time out of concern and saw that you were living in Dubai.
I was like, wow!! I can understand why she went OTD - you've been through SO MUCH in your young life, and there is so much confusion and grief - but Dubai? The Arab world? I was so confused. And nervous. But who was I to ask.
This post now came out of left field. I am so happy to hear that your'e alive and relatively well. And that you're coming 'home'. Where this journey will lead you, who knows. But it's a start.
So glad to hear from you. ((HUGS)) I hope you will find the strength you need, the right people to guide you, and the right place to finally call home.
And then, of course, you really need to be interviewed for an article in one of the magazines!!! Very Happy

sourstix

Thu, Nov 03 2016, 8:27 pm

Clarivka I definitely remember your screename. I was wondering for a while now that there are so many posters that I don't really see anymore and I couldn't name them. Now I know it was you amongst others.

Just a small question, why wouldn't ami take you back? I'm assuming bec they moved onto other types of things. Welcome back!

Raisin

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 6:11 am

Wow, what a story. I can't wait to hear your happy ending!

Please keep us updated.

Seraph

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 8:21 am

Rivki, I came back here to read this post after not having posted here in a long time. Thanks for sharing what you've been through; it was great seeing you recently in Israel, and I hope to see you again soon.

Mama Bear

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 8:31 am

I have to say, after rereading your post, that you are one incredible writer. Your post read like a magazine article.

anotherima

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 8:32 am

Welcome back ClaRivka, wishing you much hatzlocha and brocha on your journey. May Hashem surround you with good friends and supportive people who accept you as you are. Someday you will write a book about your life and the happiness you found IY"H.

ESB

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 9:40 am

Welcome back to this side of the world rivky! Boy do I miss you! You've written a great article, I accept your apologies lol! I hope you finally find inner peace and start really enjoying life! Loads of luck, im here for you!

ValleyMom

Fri, Nov 04 2016, 9:56 am

Welcome back!
It's so great to have you back.
I have a saying I share with people that want to pick up and move suddenly because of some life event:

"Wherever you go- there you are!"

Just plant your feet somewhere and get started on the next journey of your life.
May the coming years be filled with peace, serenity, health and joy.