Making Shabbos table special with small/young family

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 1:07 am

I want very much for my children to experience the beauty of a Shabbos meal but it doesn't seem to be happening and the advice and role models I see aren't helpful in my situation.

DH is not frum and often does not attend Shabbos meals. When he does, he leads the table nicely, the whole family gathers around, he leads kiddush, sings a couple of zmiros. That's already much better than I can do when I'm on my own. But even then, he makes conversation at the table that is usually not Shabbosdik (not objectionable, generally, just not inspiring in any way) and usually way over the kids' heads (think adult-level politics type of things.)

When DH is not there it's even harder. It's just me and little kids. Little kids don't sit at the table or follow any script and I don't expect them to. But in other families I've seen, when the little kids run off there is still a couple, maybe even some older kids or guests at the table keeping the meal going. So the kids go off and play but they drift in and out of the nice shabbosdik meal scene, and also have the atmosphere of a nice shabbosdik meal going on in the background while they play. Here, as soon as the kids go off it's just me. Often I join their play and we have quality time and the meal is just abandoned, but I wish they also had some semblance of a nice seuda. I also try staying at the table and singing some zmiros by myself, but it seems like me starting a song is the cue for the kids to start fighting or whining for something. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Also I feel like I spend most of the time shepherding. In families I visit, for example, after kiddush everyone goes to the sink to wash. Some little kids get prodded a little to come along but basically even with the prompting they're just doing what everyone else is doing. I have never seen any role model still working on just their first few little kids, all the families I look up to are more developed already, so I don't know how they got to that point. My kids are big enough that they should definitely be present for kiddush, washing for challah, etc. But they're not big enough to just go and do it. So it's all like, come for kiddush. Whoever sits at the table gets grape juice! Yay Shprintzy is sitting at the table! Yenty hurry up we're going to start kiddush! Shprintzy where are you going, don't you want the grape juice? And then the same idea with washing and everything else. Then they go off to play which is ok but basically makes it so my entire Shabbos meal experience was the nagging with nothing positive to balance it out because they're just not there for the positive part. Except dessert. I can't believe I've reached a point where I'm depending on nosh to make Shabbos bearable, and the only reason my kids look forward to Shabbos at all is because of the nosh. But it's better than nothing, right?

It's depressing is what it is. I try to bring the kids along to visit families who have a happy Shabbos so they can experience it. We go to families that are exceptionally warm and welcoming. But I still feel like the overriding feeling is going to be sad that we don't have a happy Shabbos like they do. Also, we can't go away too often. We need some stability and home and routine. The weeks are always so busy I don't want to spend Shabbos running around too. And there are only a few families we feel comfortable going to, one lives pretty far, one I feel comfortable with but the kids are on and off with their kids and you never know if the Shabbos you planned will be a week that the kids are on the rocks, you get the idea - it's good to go but if we did it too often it would go sour pretty quickly.

We cannot have guests for a few reasons. This is not negotiable at this time and for the foreseeable future.

The only answer is for ME to make OUR home a happy place, and I want it to be Shabbosdik so the kids will know that Shabbos is pleasant. Need ideas. Ideas that do not involve older siblings, a father, or guests.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 1:24 am

What about singing children's shabbos songs (shabbos shabbos yom menucha, shabbos is coming we're so happy) that they would enjoy singing along to and only at the end when they drift off to play you can sing zmiros as background? If they hear it all the time, when they get older they'll naturally join you.
Start off the meal with parsha story from a book like tell me the story of the parsha while they eat challah and fish?
It's about happiness and shabbos atmosphere that works for your family, not necessarily anybody else's version of shabbos. Hey in our family our four year old's shabbos highlight is helping to make the egg salad and then sitting down to eat some right away even before kiddush. Who knows what will be special in their mind?

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 1:39 am

They haven't been into the Shabbos songs but we do try for the parsha songs from 613 Torah Avenue. That's a good one.

What age is the Tell me a Story book for? I wonder if it will end up being the same things they learned in school though. Open to all suggestions.

Maybe I'll try to get them involved in food prep. They used to be interested in helping as a privilege and a big-kid thing but lately it's more "don't want to, busy playing." I'm happy that they have such a nice time playing together (or separately, some of the times) but it doesn't seem to make sense that they don't stop for anything else! Except when they start fighting. But even then as soon as it's settled they go back to playing!

I just realized how ridiculous I sound. But do you get what I mean? It makes it feel like Shabbos is just like any other day. Kids playing on the floor, nothing special happening.

I tried setting aside a special toy just for Shabbos but somehow that didn't last. At this point if I did that they would feel like it's not a good thing, that the toy got taken away from the rest of the week. No way I'm going to buy another new toy just for Shabbos, they already have way too many! (I keep trying to think of what to get rid of to make room but they really do enjoy them all frequently)

mha3484

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:58 am

DH is frum but was raised with a very dry shabbos experience. My FIL was not much for singing, stories etc. We both agree we don't want that for our kids but he is not so into taking the initative so I try and come up with ideas. My boys are 6 and 2. The older needs a fair amount of micro managing with everything so I can totally relate to a lot of your post. My two year old is super laid back and very happy with anything. Also guests are way too overwhelming for me these days.

I let my older son choose 2 or 3 noshy things when we go shabbos shopping. Same thing every week so there is no fighting in the grocery store. He gets a more unhealthy breakfast too. One of the yogurts with the toppings that you mix in. So these are all things he can look forward to. I often ask what he thinks we should have for shabbos meals. Its not always feasible but I think he likes getting to come up with ideas.

For the meals, we dont shelp them out. In between the courses we do his parsha sheet, he talks about school I ask DH to sing a zemer and DS chooses which one. We read A LOT of little medrash says. I dont expect DH to come up with a devar torah on his own. Sometimes if its just us we read an adult parsha book or something from one of the magazines that someone found interesting.

Lastly, getting out of the house is huge for me. I cant sit inside all day when its nice out. We do shul groups, the park or just sit on the porch and play legos. Anything for a change of scenery and fresh air.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 12:19 pm

It is very hard with young children.

It is even harder without a husband at your side.

I give you a lot of credit for wanting to make it work as best as possible.

We give out "parsha nosh". Anyone who say something about the parsha gets s special nosh. It can be parsha questions, a small dvar torah, even showing us a project and telling us about it. The nosh is very motivating and I try to buy exciting things that we don't usually have.

I also wish my kids would stay at the table and behave throughout the meal. You are not alone. Kids learn by example so if they see what you are doing, eventually they will most probably join you on their own.

I also offer a bentching nosh. I'm not sure that I should be going that, to be honest. They should bentch after the meal because that is the right thing to do. Since they have usually run off, it is almost impossible to get them back to bentch. I'm sure other parents have better discipline and their children will listen when called to betnch. As soon as I offer a "bentching nosh" they come running. I don't do this all the time since it's probably not the right chinuch.

One thing that works amazing is to have a really great story prepared. You can read R' Paysach Krohn books (tou yourself) or something similar and choose 1 or 2 stories to tell over. Embellish them and make them in to a fascinating childrens story. Who doesn't want to hear a good story. Without fail, they always ask "is it true?".

trixx

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 2:27 pm

I'm thinking more as a youth director, if the kids just want to play, can you do one thing with them that's related to the parsha? ex for noach play bingo with animal crackers, play animal farm, sing old mcdonald had a farm (noach had a tevah) - it requires prep and a bit of counselor-ing on your part but may be more enjoyable all around.

something else you can do, instead of just nosh, is making a parsha food craft with them. this will keep them at the table, involved in parsha activity, plus it's yummy. like sukkah out of graham crackers and sour sticks kind of idea. again for noach, decorate a cupcake with a rainbow - google image "noach food craft"

feel free to pm for ideas or resources. there is a fabulous book for this that's expensive but amazing

Beyla

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 4:49 pm

What my kids like for shabbos :
- My sons like to make kidush with a little Kos (they just say the bracha when they're young) and have some small challos for themselves.
- We make the tefila all together (when they're small) and they have candies afterward.
- I make a special chocolate cake with some special topping that they love. They have it in breakfast and dessert.
- They stand up on the chairs during the meal and get asked one after the other about what they learnt during the week (parasha, songs, alephbais, anything basically for small kids).
- They love to have guests even if only adults.
- They love reading stories and playing board games with me (we don't have time for that during the week).

Hope it's helping, kol hakavod for you great job of super mom!!!