Almost 5 year old cries always and won't stop

amother

Ecru

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 9:19 am

My daughter will be turning 5 very soon. She is a mature, responsible, very happy, articulate child.
But she will cry at the drop of a hair. Mostly because something isn't going her way.
and once she starts crying she cries hysterically for a long time. She will not talk. and there is no reasoning with her. Its so crazy because it goes so against her general personality - she is like too different people when she is 'normal' and crying.
Until now she only did it in only our house when no one was around, but recently she did it in school because she wanted to go home with someone (she knew she wasn't because we had even discussed it).
Or if my husband has to go somewhere she will follow him to the car and stand at the curb sobbing until I force her inside.
I'm not sure what to do. Most recently it caused her to miss the bus.
ITs not a new thing, she has been doing it for at least a year.
We've discussed it when she wasn't crying what else she can do or what she can say or how to talk about it, or once you start crying you can still talk, but once she is upset she just sobs and will not talk.
My method right now is that when she cries I put her in her room and she can come out whenever she is done - which can take like an hour.

Also I 'pushed her ahead' - even thought she is one month younger then the schools' cutoff she is still one of the youngest in the grade. I though she was mature enough and she is very bright and social. But now I'm questioning if she was really emotionally ready to go to school.

HELP!

5*Mom

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:12 am

Emotion regulation is a developmental skill that takes time. Also, some children are temperamentally more emotive. I have children like this. As hard as it is for you, it feels way worse for your child. Don't send her away. This is likely to increase her anxiety, which will increase her level of emotion and make the whole thing last longer and get worse each time instead of better. Stay with her for support without trying to reason her through it. Just ride it out. Let her cry. Hold her if she'll allow it. Just be there for her and accept that this is what she needs to do when she's upset. She'll calm down eventually, even if it takes a long time, and you can talk it over when you're both calm and plan for the next time. You're thinking that you don't have time to just sit and hold her for an hour but this is a case of the longer way being the shorter way and the shorter way really being the longer way in the end. Investing the time will help create the supportive environment she needs to develop her self-regulatory skills for the long term. There really isn't a short cut.

poppy1

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 8:45 pm

I actually recently asked this same question of Rebbetzin Spetner. She said "As long as your child is average and healthy, Baruch Hashem, socially and academically and behaviorally very well-adjusted, everything is well and dandy, no language skill problems, audio skills, concentration or focus skills problems, and in short, she is doing great", then the best way to handle it is to ignore it. "there is nothing dangerous of her crying. The only reason she is crying so intensely is because she feels she is affecting you, it is a control issue."

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:21 pm

Constantly putting a child in her room for having a strong feeling sends a terrible message--I can't handle you go away! You need to have conversations with your child when she is calm to understand the reason she is so upset by certain situations. You need to investigate if there is a common theme. You need to figure out if anything happened to her that would cause her to have that sensitivity. You need to teach your child tools to regulate. You need to stay with your child and hold her and bring up the tools and ideas you discussed so she can calm down. She is depending on you to teach her how to cope with this world which is overwhelming her. She is counting on you. Leaving in her room does none of that.

gp2.0

Mon, Jan 23 2017, 10:58 pm

1) Empathize that she wanted something and didn't get it. She feels frustrated and upset and those are valid feelings. Help her put those feelings into words and validate that she is allowed to be feeling them. "You really wanted to go with your father in the car, right? I know you did." Offer a hug and hold her if she wants it but don't push it if she refuses it. If you're not sure what to say just repeat back what she says in a calm, soothing, understanding tone. If she screams "I wanted to go in the car!!!" you reply, "Yes, you wanted to go in the car." It shows that you are listening and that you understand why she is upset. You'd be surprised how often they just want reassurance that their voice is being heard.

Don't try to reason with her or explain why she couldn't get what she wanted. She doesn't want to hear reasons why she can't get what she wants. She's just upset and she needs a listening ear.

2) Work on building frustration tolerance during a quiet time when she's not frustrated. Discuss tactics for handling frustration. "Maybe the next time you feel mad you will say 'I feel mad' instead of crying?" or "Maybe the next time you feel mad you will choose to go to your room for some quiet time?" or "Maybe the next time you feel mad you will think of a way to feel better, like this time you couldn't go with your father in the car but another time you will get to go with him?" Once you talk about words to describe how she feels when she breaks down crying, you can use those words the next time. Like, "It must be hard when you want something and you don't get it." or "Do you feel mad that you couldn't go in the car with your father?"

3) Use her room as a positive space to calm down, not a negative space. Instead of sending her to her room and making her stay there until she's calm, offer it as a positive decision she can make, like "You seem really upset. Would you like to go to your room to have private time and play with your stickers all on your own with nobody bothering you? I won't let anyone come in until you say it's okay."

4) There are always triggers to these situations. You can stop them from happening in advance. It probably happens more when she's tired or hungry. Try to avoid triggering situations - make sure she has snacks at the time of day when she's usually hungry, add some time to your morning routine if possible if rushed mornings set her off, and have her tell her father goodbye in the house instead of outside if you know it sets her off when he drives away.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Jan 25 2017, 3:49 pm

Funny this got bounced up again.

We talked about it together and came up with the idea that when she starts to cry (you can hear the sounds coming and buildin) we will try to count together as long as it takes until she doesn't feel the need to cry.
So in the beginning I was counting as she sobbed and then she would start counting with me and stop.
Then its almost like a joke and she laughs immediately and counts.
And now it almost never happens except for the rare occasion - which is much more handable for me, when it was happening mutliple times I just couldn't deal.

I've also found some books where kids are dissapointed and we discuss how they handled their feelings, and what do we think would have happened had they just cried.

b'H I've seen I huge improvement and I just want to thank everyone here.

5*Mom

Wed, Jan 25 2017, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

Awesome!