Embarrassed by challenging child

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:16 am

With all the emotional pain a challenging child can give there is one that has really been bothering me as of late and that is the embarrassment he causes. I live in a crowded development with paper thin walls. And cliquey neighbors that remind me of high school His endless tantrums and terrible things he says are definitely being heard by all of them.

My husband complains about how embarrassed he is that our son almost never comes to shul. This Simchos Torah I saw what he meant. He did come to a hakofoh or two but parked himself moodily in front of the ezras noshim and wouldn't budge.

I'm sure the neighbors and people in shul realize he is difficult. If we were a respected family on the block everyone would feel bad for us. But being that we are the misfit family on the block (for other reasons) this only adds to our discomfort and embarrassment.

Yes I know I have to work on my self esteem. What else should I do?

5*Mom

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:22 am

Hugs. You sound so unhappy where you live. Is there any chance of looking for a community where you will feel like you fit in and can be comfortable in your own skin? These other issues may still be challenging but it might not get to your core the way it does now.

amother

Natural

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:27 am

amother wrote:

how old is your child?

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 10:33 am

We do not have the ability to move.

He is twelve.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 11:13 am

amother wrote:

We do not have the ability to move.

He is twelve.

Are you in family counseling and is your child in individual counseling? If not, get those things STAT.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 12:31 pm

any support groups that you can meet other parents who can relate?

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 12:47 pm

If you live in a development in Lakewood then I know exactly what you mean. No advice just hugs. (((((Hugs))))))))))))))).

Those who have children at some point or another they know of someone with a child with issues. And just understand an don't make a deal of it. But I understand that you don't have privacy. I totally get that. Try to remember that if you are worried about that then I'm sure others are too. That's a fact of development life

leah233

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 4:41 pm

I'm guessing you are in a Lakewood development. Try not to internalize (your perceived) judgment people have about you or your child. If others judge you or your child for things you or your child can't help right now, they're the ones who are wrong, not you or your child.And don't be sure they really are making judgments.

Just try to focus on doing the right thing for your son and ignore all else.And be proud of your efforts

amother

Mint

Mon, Nov 07 2016, 5:58 pm

I have a special needs nephew that my family refuses to admit to anyone and basically bury their heads. Kudos to you for trying your best. Please don't be embarrassed, my family treats this boy as "normal" and as a result it ruins every gathering because he obviously can't handle it and they don't keep an eye on him. You and your husband recognize that your child can't be involved everywhere but in your own home do not worry about your child. People understand and if they don't they are the ones that should be embarrassed.

redheaded

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 7:43 am

May Hashem give you strength.

Interesting experience: my sister with a family of kids of her own, had a special needs child stay by her for a week. The little girl was beautiful and from looks alone you would never know anything was up. When they went on a walk, little girl stopped every passerby "what's your name, what's your name?" The comments and eyes gave my sister a tiny understanding of A parent of special needs.

Then we Discussed how a child provides us shame or pride when we really don't control their behavior. and many times it (child behavior) does not reflect our input.

5*Mom

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 8:29 am

amother wrote:

We do not have the ability to move.

Then I would say focus on getting support for yourself. Find a support group of parents in similar situations and surround yourself with any other sources of support and humor that you can find. Your child will still be your child and he will still have the challenges he has but you will be fortified.

justcallmeima

Tue, Nov 08 2016, 8:45 am

Here's my motto. Hope it helps: "What others believe about me is THEIR business. What I believe about them is MY business."

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