The man you dated vs. the one you married

amother

Blue

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 1:17 am

What are some big differences and changes that occurred after you got married? Change is very normally as a couple gets more comfortable with each other and let their guards down, I'm just curious what other people have experienced.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 1:26 am

The biggest change that occurred after we were married was that a few years after we got married my husband was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and Clinical Depression.
The man I dated was always happy and bubbly. The man I dated never really mentioned the bad about his family (we dont live in the same country so I really never met them before we actually got married, as in, at the wedding) so I didnt even see what was coming (and boy did it come)

The guy I dated was very generous with his time with me. The man I married not so much. He is a classical depressed person personality. And that is very hard, but I have come to know how to live with him that way.

Also my husband always talked about his cleanliness and order he kept all of his things. Well, lets just say, thats a sore point in our marriage. He lives as if there is a maid in the house. There isnt and I let him know all of the time.

We are married over a decade and it has taken a very long time to get to where we are. But marriage is also compromise and marriage is doing for the other and marriage is work. And BH I can say, even for the negative things I wrote, I love my husband. Yes, he is different from the man I dated, as I am sure I am different from the woman he dated, but that happens. And we adapt. And grow together. And work, work, work at it. And in the end? I think it is very worth it.

ectomorph

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 1:45 am

Real life is much more stressful than our dating, since my husband started his first job 2 days after Sheba brachos. It was an abrupt transition. I try to take it day by day and not allow unnecessary drama in our lives.

I didn't expect marriage to be easy so I'm pleasantly surprised if it is and ok if not.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 3:32 am

The man I dated was religious. The man I'm currently married to is not.

The man I dated didn't pass out from alcohol at the shabbos table (its getting better thank g-d)

The man I dated wanted 5 kids. Now doesn't want more than 1.

But I'm sure I'm not the woman he dated either

amother

Papaya

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 4:04 am

Hugs, pewter. I hope you have a good support system.

The man I dated had a good heart, but was petrified of strong emotions, especially negative ones.

Now, after time and therapy, he is able to listen, remember better, and talk things through.

The man I dated thought that interaction with children only happens when you're in the right mood. Now, he sees the importance of being a part of their lives every day.

Not all change is for the worse.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 5:06 am

The man I dated was fun, interesting, interested and romantic. He did things for no other reason than it would make me happy

The man I married is a bossy know it all who takes care of himself and his needs before us and ours. He is anxious, moody and often depressed. He is constantly fatigued and minimally interested in s*x

The man I dated had a solid employment history. The man I married can't hold job a down for more than 6 months at a time.

I miss the man I dated

amother

Copper

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 8:34 am

Hugs everyone!! But let me tell you the grass is always greener on the other side and this is how the yetzer hora works! He will always make you think that one would have been better. Dont let him fool u in making u think you would have been happier marrying that other guy. A persons zivug is announced 40 days before they are born. Even if they divorce and remarry, they say they still get a husband from the "same barrel" in just a different way. Its all bashert. This is where hashem wants you to be- not that its easy! But think of your schar in gan eden. No one achieves gan eden without hard work.
Good luck! I try to think of this every time I have a hard day or when im going thru a challenge.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:22 am

What a great topic, thank you! It's really validating to read everyone else's experiences.

The man I dated was an extremely serious and frum yeshiva bocher, who was genuine, honest, deep, thoughtful and opinionated. He was not very emotional or expressive. I was told this was due to his immense 'tznius' and 'anava', and believed it.

The man I married is now still genuine, honest, deep, thoughtful and opinionated, but is no longer very frum and doesn't learn at all. He has channeled his intellect to secular knowledge. He is still not very emotional or expressive. Nothing to do with 'tznius', but rather his personality combined with some traumatic experiences in his upbringing.

I guess I was naive when I got married! No regrets, though, coz I know that everyone comes with their package...

amother

Teal

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:26 am

amother wrote:

Goodness! Reading this thread, I'm not sure that I should get remarried (post divorce.)

Def want to remarry. Even though I didn't have a negative experience. Had a wonderful dh just.....
And I'm a 'richer' and better person now having gone thru what I did.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:34 am

The man I dated had what sounded like a terrible relationship with his father. The man I married thinks his father educated him and his siblings the right way (spare the rod spoil the child) and now discusses e.t with him. Not sure if this change is good or bad...

The man I dated put me before him. The man I married puts others before us.

The man I dated worked on connecting. The man I married lets me do all the work.

amother

Orange

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 9:37 am

The man I dated was knowledgeable, a good listener, a bit shy.
The man I married is way more knowledgable than I realized, not such a good llistener, and not shy in the least. He is also very handy around the house and though he didn't realize I have emotional baggage, for the most part he's been very patient as I work through it all.

essie14

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 10:01 am

HonesttoGod wrote:

The man I dated made me want to marry him.
The man I married is 1000 times better than I could have imagined - he puts up with me.

The man I dated made me want to marry him.
The man I am married to makes me want to stay married to him. He treats me better than I ever could have imagined.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 11:21 am

Aren't all these posts kind of one-sided?

The man I dated was still in school, was a bit overweight, and I liked his jokes.
He was a sincere oved hashem, but could not cook and was not handy at all.

20 years later:
The man I married brings home a nice paycheck, is a bit more overweight, and his jokes are less funny.
He is still a sincere oved hashem, has learned how to cook most of the Shabbos food, and is still not handy at all.

You win some, you lose some...

zaq

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 11:32 am

amother wrote:

. Dont let him fool u in making u think you would have been happier marrying that other guy. .

Read the OP more carefully. There is no "other guy". She is not asking you to compare your dh with some guy you dated before you met him; she's asking how did your dh change from the time you were dating till now? maybe a more correct title would be "the man you dated vs. the man you're married to." The name, rank and serial number are the same but the person inside has changed. People do say to each other "You're not the man (or woman) I married."

amother

Teal

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 11:38 am

I should hope that we all changed through the years and aren't exactly the same anymore as when we dated and got married.
Don't we all want to grow from our experiences in life?Just like changes can be positive some are not exactly the way we like it. But that's life. There is always 2 directions to move. And we have choice which way we want to go but aren't in control of anyone else's.. ..

amother

Gold

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 11:49 am

wow this is complicated.

the man I dated was indecisive and unsure of what he wanted but knew he wanted to live with me. he wanted a big family and to be modern orthodox. he was sweet and loving. he wanted to pursue academia or the rabbinate.

the man I am married to has been suffering with depression and done therapy which has really changed him, mostly for the good, but some of those changes have been challenging for me. he no longer wants children and he is not sure how he feels religiously. he is sweet and loving and very much loves me but we certainly have more differences now than before. he is a businessman.

amother

Hotpink

Wed, Nov 09 2016, 12:54 pm

what about the woman HE dated?

I was very emotionally closed. I couldn't express what was then my deepest darkest secret, that I was terrified to have kids and didn't want them right away, even though he told me on a date he dreams of a family with 12 kids (way more than either of our average middle-sized ones). I didn't allow him to help me in any way, like carrying my bags or even opening the door - I was fiercely independent.

Now almost 2 years later we have opened up to each other. I sobbed my eyes out to him when I found out I was pregnant. I learned to say "I need your help" even when I could do it myself.

bli ayin hara the man I married has been more wonderful in real life than the guy who took me out for drinks, and I hope he would say the same about me.