I hate how our being poor is hurting our kids! Vent

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:12 pm

It's killing me that we couldn't send our dd to Israel for seminary, most of her friends went, and she's hearing from them what a great time they're having. I see her trying to be happy for them, and making sure to sound happy when she talks to them, but I also see that it really hurts her.

I hate that we can't afford braces for my dd who really needs it. She just told me that she hates to smile with her mouth open, because she's so embarrassed. But we are so far in debt, how can we add another five thousand dollars to it?

I hate that my girls have to sleep squashed in two bedrooms, and that they refuse to have friends over because they're so ashamed of our house.

I hate that I can't send the musical one to music lessons, and the artistic one to art lessons, not because I want to spoil my kids, but because I think it would do wonders for their self esteem.

I hate that I can't buy my girls what's in style, again, not because I want to spoil them, but because I want them to feel good about themselves.

I hate that our money issues are turning into shalom bayis issues, and that we can't afford to go to therapy for them, and most of all, I hate how that's affecting my kids.

(Yes, usually I try to keep a positive face around the kids, and try not to let it affect them more than it has to. But there are sometimes, like tonight, when one dd just complained about being embarrassed to smile, and I listened to another dd speak to her friends having a blast in Israel, and it just hurts too much)

Thanks everyone, I just had to get this off my chest, and now I can go back to smiling.....

121

amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:26 pm

I am sorry for the position you find yourself in.
Would you consider allowing your girls to babysit and earn cash to fund the things that are important to them but you cannot afford right now?
It may be a great learning experience.

My friend in HS earned $ babysitting and bought her own stylish clothes. no one knew except her closest friends that her parents could not afford to buy her clothing. Another friend paid for her year in seminary by starting when she was in 9th grade to earn money. Others like me worked and put away for marriage so we came into marriage with some money.

familyfirst

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:28 pm

Sounds so tough.
The only thing I'd strongly suggest investing in is braces. Those are time sensitive and work best while the child is still growing. Figure out w payment plan. Or get them at the tea hi g universities. Or something. Just get it done.
Yiur daughter who didn't go to out of town sem will be ok. Encourage her to further her education and get a job. Or develop a hobby.
Music and art classes can be found online. For free. On YouTube. Be proactive. But the sketchbook and pencils and Google "how to draw a ...". It's all there. Beginners music as well.
As for the small house, keep it clean and homey. Yiu can even let the big kids help paint their room.
Good luck! And get those braces!!!!

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:32 pm

amother wrote:

Our girls do babysit, but we encourage them to put away money for when they get married. They can use some of it for clothing, but we feel that it's a waste to spend that much on seminary when it doesn't seem like we will be able to help at all after they get married.

We are trying hard to improve things, but DH made a bad business investment, and it put us in so much debt that I don't see how we will ever climb out of this hole Crying

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:36 pm

familyfirst wrote:

The orthodontist offered a payment plan, but when there are many months where we can't pay the utilities, how can we find the money to pay for braces??

It's funny what you said about music and art classes online. My dh found a keyboard for very cheap at the flea market, and just tonight we all spent some time watching lessons on youtube and trying it out. I guess we will try the same thing for art lessons, I hadn't thought of that, thanks.

We were also thinking of painting their rooms with them, just have to find the time somehow.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 13 2016, 11:46 pm

amother wrote:

You sound like you are really trying to make the best of a trying situation. Kudos to you!
My mother used to tell me growing up "its not a sin to be poor". Keep your positive attitude and best of luck to you & your husband and family.

amother

Navy

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 1:52 am

I could of written your post word for word.
Also I want to add that I hate that my kids school gives my kids money for clothing so they could look like everyone else it is so nice that they do but why do we have to be one of the only ones.
That I hate that my kids cant go places their friends go.
My kids work but I feel bad they have to work not because they want to but because that is the only way they will get the things they want and need.

saw50st8

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 7:53 am

amother wrote:

I'm a big fan of saving money, but make sure they live and enjoy life now too. The future is not the only important thing and rarely do they have opportunities like they will being young, single and free.

tryinghard

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 8:27 am

amother wrote:

My kids work but I feel bad they have to work not because they want to but because that is the only way they will get the things they want and need.

This is preparing them for life. I WISH I had worked more in HS, and so does my DH.
And are they actually working for what they need, or what they want? If they are working for nicer/more stylish clothes, this is a really positive thing.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 8:33 am

Being poor made me a great parent, and helped me raise an awesome kid.

I remember when I was a single mom, and we lived in a studio apartment with barely enough room to turn around. DD was 4, and I couldn't afford preschool, day care, or a baby sitter, so she went everywhere with me. I couldn't work because I'm disabled. I made my own mommy preschool for her.

I took her on all my rounds to the various food banks in town. We often got prebagged groceries, so on the way home we would sort out the treif foods, and distribute them to the homeless at the bus stops.

We talked about how grateful we were to be going home to a roof over our heads, with soft beds and heat and running water. We were grateful to have clean clothes. We were grateful for the food banks that went out of their way to find us kosher food. We were grateful for the JFS that helped us out with utilities payments. Basically, we practiced "radical gratitude", and made sure to thank Hashem for every little thing, even a pretty flower we saw blooming in a neighbor's yard.

Now, when DD sees kids with lots of material stuff, but parents who are never there for them, she feels sorry for them. She realizes that having things is not the same as having love and security. If I say that something is not in the budget, she might be a bit disappointed, but she's never devastated or sulky. She shares everything she has freely with her friends, and is genuinely happy for others when they get something nice.

Last year, she was bringing extra lunch to a girl who she noticed never had food of her own. She knew that the girl's family was large and very poor, so she told the girl that "her mom packed too much food", or "I really don't like this, do you want it?" She was so careful not to embarrass her! That kind of caring and sensitivity can't be bought with money.

OP, I hope you can figure out the braces, because that is important. For everything else, use it as a teaching opportunity. You can give your children the middos of gratitude, and the lessons will last a lifetime. It's absolutely priceless.

animeme

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 8:43 am

Have you told the orthodontist that you haven't proceeded because of money? Many people comparison shop and never come back. But maybe if you tell the dr that you still can't afford the payment plan, they will have suggestions. They may even have a fund for things like this. or they will tell you how necessary it is, realistically. I would also talk to your local tzedakah fund about this one. Yes, who wants to do that? But for your daughter, for this...

Hatzlachah.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 9:27 am

Thanks amothers magenta and red, you really helped me feel better about myself. I spend so much time thinking about the things I can't do for them, it's good to be reminded that the best thing I can do for them is free!

flmommy wrote:

You sound like a great mom. Regarding sleepovers can you move out the children who aren't having the sleepover and put them in sleeping bags on the floor in your room or elsewhere to make more room for the sleepover occasionally?

We do that sometimes, but now that they're getting older they feel uncomfortable about it.

Quote:

Have you told the orthodontist that you haven't proceeded because of money? Many people comparison shop and never come back. But maybe if you tell the dr that you still can't afford the payment plan, they will have suggestions. They may even have a fund for things like this. or they will tell you how necessary it is, realistically. would also talk to your local tzedakah fund about this one. Yes, who wants to do that? But for your daughter, for this...

I did tell him it was because I couldn't afford it, but there are so many poor people around, I get that he couldn't do much about it. I'm going to give it another year and see if things start looking up for us financially, if not I'm going to have to borrow it or ask a relative to sponsor it or something. I can't make her live like this forever, but dh HATES asking for favors, even when we're desparate.

Franticfrummie - you are always an inspiration! Thank you!