I hate how our being poor is hurting our kids! Vent

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 1:22 pm

Op, it must be really hard to feel that your children are being deprived. With that said I want you to know that I grew up very poor. I had to stay home from sleep away camp and work in day camps instead. I babysat almost every night and worked as an assistant sub in a preschool during my pesach vacation from school. That was the only way I was able to buy tights,cards and knock knacks for my friend, paid my hairstylist if I want more than just a simple trim and the list goes on and on. Our house was so shabby that the bathroom tiles all were falling off and my mother covered it with a disposable plastic tablecloth in order for us to shower. My mother slept on a bunk bed with me since we didn't have enough bedrooms(she was singl), I was not able to go overseas to seminary and couldn't even go bowling or snow tubing with my friends. But that NEVER stopped me from hosting friend in our falling apart house. Of course I wAs a bit ashamed but I knew that it was not a reflection of me and my friends loved me for who I was not the condition of our house. In retrospect I'm thankful to Hashem for putting me through that. I got married appreciating working hard for a living, not getting a free ride and knowing life is not a bowl of cherries. its helped me and people that have a perfect childhood have a harder time when challenges arise in adulthood. So even though it's not easy love your children as that is the MOST important and your daughters will grow up with a better maturity and understanding of "real" life. May Hashem bless you and your family with all things you need and may it come easy! Hug

Coffee Addict

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 6:27 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Being poor made me a great parent, and helped me raise an awesome kid.

I remember when I was a single mom, and we lived in a studio apartment with barely enough room to turn around. DD was 4, and I couldn't afford preschool, day care, or a baby sitter, so she went everywhere with me. I couldn't work because I'm disabled. I made my own mommy preschool for her.

I took her on all my rounds to the various food banks in town. We often got prebagged groceries, so on the way home we would sort out the treif foods, and distribute them to the homeless at the bus stops.

We talked about how grateful we were to be going home to a roof over our heads, with soft beds and heat and running water. We were grateful to have clean clothes. We were grateful for the food banks that went out of their way to find us kosher food. We were grateful for the JFS that helped us out with utilities payments. Basically, we practiced "radical gratitude", and made sure to thank Hashem for every little thing, even a pretty flower we saw blooming in a neighbor's yard.

Now, when DD sees kids with lots of material stuff, but parents who are never there for them, she feels sorry for them. She realizes that having things is not the same as having love and security. If I say that something is not in the budget, she might be a bit disappointed, but she's never devastated or sulky. She shares everything she has freely with her friends, and is genuinely happy for others when they get something nice.

Last year, she was bringing extra lunch to a girl who she noticed never had food of her own. She knew that the girl's family was large and very poor, so she told the girl that "her mom packed too much food", or "I really don't like this, do you want it?" She was so careful not to embarrass her! That kind of caring and sensitivity can't be bought with money.

OP, I hope you can figure out the braces, because that is important. For everything else, use it as a teaching opportunity. You can give your children the middos of gratitude, and the lessons will last a lifetime. It's absolutely priceless.

I promise you, I was having tears in my eyes while reading your post! You're seriously unbelievable amazing. Please tell me how? You were born with fabulous middos? Or worked hard to be what you are? Or perhaps both Smile

I want to be you 😂😂😋😋😝😝

staten islander

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 8:21 pm

Op,I want to share that I ,like a few posters above,grew up very poor. All the things you describe and much more. My husband grew up the same way. Today,we are BH doing great, we have a wonderful life in all aspects. I have no resentment toward my parents at all,and while it was hard growing up,it made me a stronger,better person. You sound like a wonderful mom,and your children are very lucky to have you. May you continue to enjoy your family in good health,happiness and do Parnasa!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 9:15 pm

Coffee Addict wrote:

I want to be you 😂😂😋😋😝😝

I can't take credit for this. My parents were very lower middle class, and worked hard and long hours. My sister and I were not spoiled in any way, even though all of our neighbors were better off and snotty about it. Our parents raised us to hold our heads up and be grateful for what we had, and we learned to make the most out of it.

My grandparents were Holocaust survivors on one side, and survivors of the Great Depression on the other. Frugality, home cooking, and learning how to sew or repair your clothes were all taught before I was 12 years old. We grew almost all of our own fruits and vegetables, and I know a million ways to cook a cheap, tough pot roast. I can make one small chicken feed two people for a whole week. My friends think I'm crazy because I darn the holes in my socks, instead of just throwing them away and buying new ones.

Most importantly, I made a line from Pirkei Avot my personal motto. "Who is rich? The one who is content with what they have."

DH is constantly amazed when he goes out and says "Do you need anything?" and I say "No. B'H, I have everything I need." I have clothes that have lots of years left in them, I love a good bargain at thrift stores, and I make my own jewelry. I'm not constantly wanting a new sheitel, or crying because he doesn't bring me gifts. If anything, sometimes I have to make up something that I "need", so he can feel like a hero when he brings it home! Wink

DD has always had a sweet nature and naturally good middos. I just reinforce what she has, and tell her how proud I am of her. I'm incredibly blessed to have her. She can be a challenge at times, but she's 98% a good girl, and I'm really enjoying watching her become a young lady. People always tell me I must be a great mother, but really, I think she just makes me look good. Very Happy

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Nov 14 2016, 11:43 pm

I hear what posters are saying about being prepared for "real" life, but at the same time
I am happy that my parents tried to give us everything so real life could wait a little. Children should have a childhood. Op, you sound like a really good balance- not forcing you children to face super harsh realities, but not sheltering them too much. With the right balance, they won't feel like they are missing out. And yes, it's important for children to not feel like they are missing out.

myym

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 7:54 am

I just want to add that I also grew up poor, and only look back and remember the good. I too feel it helped me to appreciate everything and spend wisely. even though B''H I can afford more for my children and we buy them nice things, I always remind them about how I grew up, and how much we need to be grateful to Hashem that we can afford things. I really feel your children will grow up to be stronger, more appreciative individuals from this challenge!

Fox

Tue, Nov 15 2016, 9:02 am

We went through some very, very lean years when my DH first became ill. One winter we weren't able to afford heat, and it gets darned cold in Chicago, even with electric blankets and space heaters!

The best trick I found was to focus on one thing that was somewhat luxurious and avoid skimping on that. For me, it was the food in my kids' lunches. I spent extra to make sure they had chocolate almost every day or whatever the latest food fad was. I even bought white bakery bags just because they looked more appealing. It was an extravagance I could barely afford, but I felt like they at least deserved to look forward to lunch.

The effect was amazing, though. My kids are all young adults now, but whenever they and their friends are shmoozing about elementary school, someone always says, "I was so jealous of you! You always had the best lunches!" One of my DDs' closest friends once said, "I just always thought you were rich but were the kind of people who didn't show it."

As for the braces, I'm going to suggest that you take out a loan from a gemach or approach a family member for a loan that can be paid in small installments. Yes, it will be utterly humiliating. Normal people like to be givers rather than receivers. But learning how to receive graciously is also important, and I learned a lot when I was forced to be a receiver.

Always being a giver is a huge nisoyon. It is very easy people who are always givers to become self-righteous and smug. I've seen it on Imamother, those posts where someone essentially says, "Well, I did XYZ, and if you'd done the same, you wouldn't have a problem." When you're doing everything you can but parnosseh is still difficult, Hashem is giving you the opportunity to develop a more mature view of the world. That doesn't make it easier in the here-and-now, but you will ultimately find yourself on a higher madrega than many of the people who were only challenged to be givers and never takers.

I don't know if this advice is helpful, but please don't feel bad. There's plenty of evidence that kids are ultimately more successful when they've experienced a small amount of hardship. If they have a roof over their heads and enough food on hand for dinner tonight, they're richer than most people in the world.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 17 2016, 6:49 am

I love Fox's post. It reminds me of a letter I once saw, many moons ago, in the Jewish Observer (anyone remember that) written by a woman who was responding to an article that happened to be about people in Kollel and their expenditures, when they don't have alot of money for tuition, etc...

Without going into that, the woman wrote that sometimes, the one or two things she spends on (like a nice sheitel, or one new outfit that she will wear for several seasons) help her to feel good about herself and enable her to scrimp in all the other areas that she doesn't spend.

I've found this to be such a true principal in my life. For example, I find that if I buy the girls one nice outfit for the season (on sale, last year's style, whatever....) it helps them feel good about themselves, even when our budget is so tight and they forego alot in other areas.

I also want to say, OP, that it helps me when I observe that nowadays it seems to me that everyone has struggles with their kids at all financial levels of society. In fact, I've said to DH that I'm grateful that Hashem didn't make me wealthy, because I have several relatives who are quite well-to-do, and they have struggled with issues with their kids way beyond anything I would ever want in my life (kids at risk, OTD, drugs, etc...) I'm glad that our struggles are affording the dentist bill, or a new pair of boots for a teen who needs it.....

I too have a high school graduate who did not go to Israel for seminary this year, and B"H is doing really well locally. It was tough the week her friends left, but B"H she has formed a Chevrah here, and is having a productive year. B"EH she has her life ahead of her, and I really don't feel that not going to Israel is going to be more than a blip on that road map, in the long run.